And tell me, please, what you simply say to your family, "I love you, you're so cool!" or "You hurt me, you jerk!" ? In other words, it is easier to praise or to criticize?

I Understand that the answers may be different. If they are about "praise," can not read further. If about "to scold", then listen up!

do you think that I hear often on the receiving in response to my innocent question? The tip is already sewn up in the question: a good life people never visit me.

the child's need to receive love and to talk about her included in the "basic package", which he received at birth. But the question with one unknown: the little baby was born, open to the world, adoring mom, dad, and the whole world. But this little baby has multiplied to the x and here rose adult person closed, guarded, distrustful and not able to talk about their feelings. Positive, of course. Because in our society to say "You moron!" at times is easier than "I love you!"

do you think what is the IKS?

the Clue lies in real-life scenarios, which is formed in the first 6-7 years of a child's life. Perception of the child and the adult are two different things. Want an example? Imagine: for the child in the evening in the garden, the mother arrives. Tired, upset, angry – the list continue to themselves. The baby to her: "Mommy, look what I drew! Mommy, me and Dennis rapped! Mommy, you're so good! I love you!" Well, if mommy has enough brains to respond adequately to the child! But, unfortunately, often requiring the attention of a son or daughter stands as the last straw, and "mommy" breaks down with all the dope on him, "What are you doing, don't cry, come on" and so on.

the consciousness of the child – a blank slate. That gets there in the first years of life, and remains there. And in such a situation, a so-called scenario-based instruction: your emotions, your love does not need anyone. You also do not need anyone with your tenderness. You still rejected.

Fear of rejection (lack of love, loneliness) – one of the worst childhood fears. And when, in response to words of love the child meets with a rejection in the form of unhappy, grumbling tones of pre-loaded lip, angry, radiant glance, it is instantly recorded as a conditional reflex. I said something nice, and you rejected me (got in trouble, laughed, did not pay attention). Do you think that such a psychologically wounded child brings with them into adulthood? Right, clear the unconscious belief that we can't talk about their feelings, because it will be worse.

It was just one of the examples, which hundreds.

I gathered from their receptions to name a few. So I can't speak about his love to their relatives/husband/wife/child because:

  • will Show itself weak, and he gave me suppress
  • I feel uncomfortable
  • Not know how. I was not praised, cage should I?
  • He will laugh/shout/will not understand, etc.
  • Aumagic! What is this mushy stuff?!
  • Shy
  • Yes, it kind of sucks(((
  • etc.

Then I include the scenario of beliefs that sound in my head of the distant intonations of childhood that could lead to this block:

  • Conceited Will to use it – "Now, you say I'm good, and yourself/as troyak brought!"
  • laugh – "Ah-Ah! What we are gentle! Think!"
  • Say what, fool? "Only stupid women and wimps need this! You're a hunk! Mighty, smelly and hairy. FSE!!!"
  • I'll Tell Cho you need? – "You're a good girl, go sit with your brother!"
  • Shrug – "Yes, to hell with their calf tenderness!"
  • what, You broke the car? – "My favorite Cup/vase?!"
  • Cozy? – "Dada, it's because of you my blood pressure soared!"
  • do Not believe – "do Not lie, I know what you really think!"
  • etc, etc

"I Need your embroidered gifts like the hole in the head! You didn't clean! And the music C brought!" - this is from my childhood.

Often, as a consequence of the inability to talk about their feelings, praise, there is a depreciation of the foreign words containing praise and a positive attitude.

the Western "you will succeed" we have not always work. Because at the genetic level by many people is perceived as a mockery.

How all these things work in adult relationships? He made Her something good. Waiting for her positive response. She is unable to praise Him high, he can "take for granted" because "the Princess should be thrown to its feet". How do you think He feels, instead of receiving It with joy and gratitude a condescending nod in their direction (and even reproach, that did the same, but with pearl buttons)? Right, offended, withdraws, blames Her list continue to themselves. The question is, will He continue to strive to do something good? The answer, I believe, is obvious.

mirrored the situation all too clear. She tried to do, and He couldn't tell Her what she's done, how much He loves Her. Patamushta musiiic! As events develop further and possible final think for yourself. It's easy!

the question Arises: what to do with it?

the Answer, as always, lies on the surface.

Remember the old, since Soviet times, a cartoon about a Little Raccoon. In a nutshell, for the very young: my Mom sent a Little Raccoon for a delicious pot on the river. Every time in the river little Coon saw his reflection. He built him a face, threatened with a stick, but it was made even more terrible. He was frightened all the more. But when he smiled at him, the reflection smiled back. And the One Who Lives In the River became a friend.

This is what I am. Don't wait until your loved one begin to praise you and say how he/she loves you. START TO DO IT YOURSELF, FIRST! No matter how difficult it was! Understand, this is not more than your children's fears, blocks and bad installation. However, be prepared for the fact that your sudden words "I love you, you're so good/so good!" can confuse people. They can cause not quite adequate reaction from the silent hang in the next 10-15 minutes until coarse ridicule, like: "you, mother, Cho smoked?" Patience! Understand that person is also not easy to get used and you believe that you do it sincerely! If your loved one has no such problems, then the reaction will be adequate and will please you.

Tatiana Jovanovic
Статья выложена в ознакомительных целях. Все права на текст принадлежат ресурсу и/или автору (B17 B17)

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