- Mommy, can I stand in the corner?
- Why, Bunny? Daddy don't need to! We just want you to understand what happened!
- No, well, can I stand in the corner?
- You want to stand in the corner...
- Yes! I deserve it!
- You feel very guilty. And if you stand in the corner, then you'll feel better.
- I love you! And I want you now easier!
- Thanks, mom!!! (from personal experience)
Everything is simple and difficult at the same time. Modern parents try not to punish children, not put them in the corner, not beaten with a belt. Why we do "not punish"? Of course, we remember how it was in our childhood, the humiliation we felt then, standing in the corner after mom or dad yet "flew" sneakers on the soft spot. And to do THAT with your own child? Well, I never! It's violence! But did that make this easier? In some cases, became much harder and scarier. Punishment became soxranenie. We become silent in response to the objectionable behavior of the child, or "hurt" or worse - "die", "not being able to survive it." We began to suffer greatly, though again experiencing the same humiliation as a child.
what happens to the baby? He feels rejection, failure, its badness (and sometimes horribleness) and at the same time a huge responsibility for my mother's/father's suffering. And he so loves mom/ dad and so he needed their love in return. How can give love the suffering parent? Yes way! And here the child lies in bed and cries. Crying that he is now left without love, crying from fear, that now he stays because he's a monster, monster, ungrateful, and he has no forgiveness. Or maybe there is? Maybe something can be done? Maybe we need to be good? How is it? What you need to do to mom and dad began to treat me as good to mom and dad no longer suffer because of me? So convenient the children are born, then they grow up and become easy to blame adults.
- I then it was still small (there 14 years!), came home at night, drunk. On the threshold stood the father. I expected that he would beat me.
- what is Your father You were punished for some infraction?
- No, never. But that time I was somehow sure that he will do it. But I was wrong. He just stood there, looking at me like that, and was silent. And this silence was worse than the belt. Inside I had a feeling that he beat me all only one with his eyes. He didn't say anything and the next day and a week. As if nothing had happened that night. But I know that it was my fault! All my life I feel...
- what would happen if Your fears and expectations of that night came true, and dad really beat You with a belt?
- ... Maybe it sounds awful, but would make me feel better! Yes I would be hurt. But the pain is external, it would have passed. And maybe dad would still be resentment. And it still hurts. But this pain is internal, length almost my whole life. And how to get rid of it, I don't know.. (excerpt from a therapy session)
When there is a little person who only knows this complicated world, it makes a lot of mistakes, and that's fine. The child does them not because he wants to hurt parents and cause them pain and suffering. No! He's just learning. He is still good and beloved. Good, just did something wrong, not right, not, as would parents. And that's important to him to convey this separation: you're good, I love you, but your action - I don't like. Otherwise he will not learn, the lesson will not take place. Because your child's mind will not be on what he did wrong and how next time you need to do, and what he is bad (or good), and the suffering he caused his parents. Instead of feeling love and acceptance dwells inside fear. And state of fear we can aspire only to the calm state (and not development).
What are parents to do? To separate the intent of the child and his wrong action. Praise for the intention, and forgive me for this action. To help make conclusions about how it would be possible to do otherwise.
If there is such a need, you can punish. How? Well now to beat their children? This is entirely optional! Because of the age of the child, You can choose different options their behavior in response to wrong action of the child:
- the Action can be corrected by another action (but not guilt or a sense of their own "worthlessness"). For example, spilled - wipe, broke - build.
- If there is no possibility of such counter-actions, then maybe I can get an equivalent replacement. For example, then to clean the room, wash the dishes, help mom or dad at work.
- Temporary deprivation of some privileges, restrictions can also serve as a means of punishment or compensation for the guilt of the child (watching a cartoon, a ban on sweets, walk, etc.)
everything Seems simple and clear. All of these rules penalties can be found almost everywhere. But for some reason, not all parents use them. Many choose to suffer in response to the "mistakes" of the child. It is Your right and Your choice. But you can choose differently.
- That now brings me suffering?
- For which I now feel stupid (offended, annoyed)?
what I blame?
In fact, when I was little and have made some mistakes? Maybe then should go back there? To return to moments of their own "mistakes".
- And now the "rewrite" a script on this Your story?
If You were in the place of Your dad, and at night came home drunk and Your daughter. What would You say to her to make her understand the extent of their responsibility, but would not feel committed some terrible crime for which she will now have to carry a lifelong penalty of guilt?
- I guess I would say this: You did very bad! Much to drink, and especially at this age, it is impossible! This is unacceptable! Understand: I care about your health, because I love you so much! And I will do everything possible to keep you healthy. But if you disobey me, next time I'll have to punish you for this behavior. And today we will do just a conversation.
- What do You feel now? When dad told You these words?
- I feel that he loves me and cares about me. And that it is necessary to control the amount of booze (laughs)
In this work several important points:
1. To separate intent (what You have is small then was the purpose?) and effect.
2. Actions can be different, but the intention is always positive (!).
3. Mentally stand in the place of its parent and say to yourself: I know you want...(the intention). I understand you, and I really like your wish! But you did....(what?) and I do not like. I think this is wrong because.... Come to think of it, how could it be otherwise?
4.If You want to punish yourself-child of the position of a parent, say it. How would You punish yourself? Can be made would be some kind of counter - or replacement action, or would deprive himself of something? And maybe, put yourself in the corner? "Practice" Your punishment.
5. Finish the monologue from the name of its parent phrase: "despite what happened, I want you to know that I still love you very much!"
6. Mentally go back to the baby's position and observe how changes Your feeling? What conclusions can You now make after a conversation with a "parent"? It would be great if You write down your insights on paper.
And to end my rather long narrative I want pleasant. When a child (or You as a child) commits a wrong action, a mistake, You punish him or just talking about what happened, the final chord should be forgiven. But, unfortunately, we do not always understand what it means to forgive? To forgive her or forgive himself? To FORGIVE means to PROMISE that from now on You'll never have to use this situation as a "trump card" against child (or yourself) in the subsequent disagreements or conflicts.