50 tips for beginner Gestalt therapist. 7.

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tip # 7 "On proportionality"

for example, a client comes to us and tells us the following situation. A few days ago, when he returned from work, he called his wife and asked to pick up a few items. He agreed, went to the store and bought... But not all. Forgot something. And when, after his arrival home this fact opened, his wife confronted him with the accusations in a very sharp form.

And here he sits now in front of us and asks the following question: "Like, I'm sorry. Like, should feel a sense of guilt. But why I can't feel it? I have a feeling that we ought to apologize, but I can't bring myself to do it."

What can we answer him? How can we help?

the Situation is quite common and not so complicated. So in detail analysis, I think, doesn't make sense. So, try not to spread the idea of the tree. On the other hand, practice shows that still a number of young specialists do not quite understand how to resolve this issue.

In my opinion (based including experience with similar situations), are as follows. The man really feel guilty. And, let's say he was ready to face the aggression of the spouse for this reason. To face, to endure, to accept.

But not in this size.

And when he gets it – aggression – in the amount exceeding his expectations, his ideas of a fair proportion of "crime and punishment", he begins to feel resentment (or a different form, a different shade of anger). If it is "exceeding the allowable upper limit is" insignificant, probably, he would be able to differentiate both the existing feelings of guilt and anger. But if the relationship has accumulated a lot of feelings withheld, and the described situation was the trigger – "trigger" – for posting wife described of a subject, her reaction is excessive. And the spouse, unconsciously realizing this, in turn, may experience strong anger.

there is no more guilt. How can you apologize to the man who, according to your understanding, he wrong to you? And perhaps even more (according to subjective feelings of the customer: if in a relationship a lot of things have accumulated, it will also be highly responsive – not only "situational" feelings, but also those accumulated).

to sum up. There is a wonderful word, "proportionality", which very well explains this phenomenon. As it does, I think, more or less described.

there Are people who absolutely not familiar with this "term". Not in the sense that I never heard about it, but just had no idea that it can be applicable to the sensuous sphere, to relations.

And above them is a revelation. They begin to understand, for example, why, over and over again, correcting their mistakes, do not feel relief. After all, it would seem that it should appear, as the mechanism chain "atrocity – redemptive action" works correctly.

the fact that is not taken into account accumulated due to the disparity of anger. It remains their burden.

the example refers to male-female relations, but, of course, the concept of proportionality applies not only to them. It is valid for any type of relationship.

Alexander Urazov
2018-08-27
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