unfortunately or fortunately, life together is not always consists of the joint trips to the coffee shop, donated bouquets of roses and romantic experiences. Sooner or later we start living together after a year the passion goes away, its place is so convenient-the usual affection, life begins to jam, and then like a bolt from a clear sky: "He's cheating on me". Not as important as you found out, it is not important what led to this, it is important how you will survive the consequences of infidelity. Psychologist Julia Baby experience their clients have compiled a short sequence of actions that will definitely help to cope with emotional pain.
Step one — shock
It will last on average from one day to weeks. It will seem that the sun fell to the ground, the world turned upside down, so dear and close person, it turns out, has betrayed your trust. At this stage the most important thing — do not be afraid of their feelings, to admit that you hurt, sad, bitter and so on. We should also mention the Swiss doctor Elizabeth Kubler-Ross, who defined five stages of grief: denial, bargaining, aggression, depression and acceptance. In General, the living grief lasts about a year, so I do not think that in a week or a month everything will be forgotten and you once again begin to enjoy life.
Step two — trying to understand and the inclusion of control
When something happens, the main thing for us is to understand why it happened. It's tricks of the mind, which tries to turn the control when there is chaos and life is crashing. Believe my experience, it doesn't matter why it happened, whether it was single sex, they've been Dating for a long time, and maybe no sex at all, and only Platonic love to a colleague? You these barren thoughts to anything — you just drain the nervous system. By the way, trying to find out something about the other surveillance in social networks, calls her and desire to meet is also an attempt to establish control where from you nothing depends.
Step three — give yourself to blame
Most of us are already so advanced in family life, many articles on the psychology of reading, an incredible amount of training for true womanhood are visited, what we know: treason both to blame, the responsibility lies in the plane of 50:50. And now treacherously sophisticated mind begins to seek out disadvantages: well, of course, my fault, completely dissolved in the baby immediately after birth, went around the house in a faded t-shirt and completely forgot about the lace panties, so went to that new job, the horror, the horror, no longer ironed linen. Remember, please, once and for all: the responsibility for cheating lies with the one who changed. Not on the ones who have changed. The fact that the sense of guilt very strongly blocks the accommodation of grief and the need as quickly as possible to get rid of it.
Step four — get out of the position of the victim
If you a priori accept that the responsibility for cheating lies with the partner, it is very important not to fall into the trap of the "position of victims". Yes, feel sorry for yourself and need someone you will regret, if not yourself? And Yes, sometimes performance of the orphan's song "poor, I'm poor" with feeling, really, emphatically, rich in articulation and melodic modulations can be very helpful. But not for long. Because the position of the victim's energy consuming and very unproductive. Here we are included in the so-called triangle of Karpman, a triangle of destructive relationships. It implies that all three roles at the vertices of the triangle — the Tyrant, the Victim and the Lifeguard are interchangeable. That is, if I feel like a victim, then your partner consider a tyrant, and I need a lifeguard, for example, my girlfriend is so cute we will wash up bones to the tyrant and his passions. And I'm not a victim but a tyrant, and then running in a closed triangle. It is possible to spend the rest of my life. So the only way to get out of the triangle of Karpman is to talk openly about their feelings and that you are not satisfied.
Step five is to bury hope and to forget about forgiveness
When I get a new client with a fresh trauma of infidelity, the first thing I recommend is to bury hope. Hope that nothing has changed. Even if your couple survive infidelity, then as before, it never will be. Cheating is the watershed that divides family life into "before" and "after". From the most advanced customers in the first ten minutes of our conversation like a Jack-in-the-box, popping up the question: "How can I forgive?" My answer — no way. Because I don't believe in forgiveness. Forgiveness is when one partner, towering over the others, standing one step higher and give mercy. But the relationship is still about equal in pairs. Therefore, it is better to think about compensation — emotional, moral, material that you are willing to accept in exchange. Another thing is that sometimes you need some time, the pain and resentment, to talk about compensation.
Step six — deal with their own lives
Now you can forget everything that you've read before, because we come to the most important step. This step is about taking responsibility for your life. About the fact that eternal love does not exist. And magic pill for emotional pain too. About the fact that no one, except you, will not understand what happened. Because this step is about action. No matter what they will be: go get a haircut or to do sports, to visit a Tarot reader to see what archetypes now operates your unconscious, or go to second or third generation. To go into counseling together or go to therapy alone. To immerse oneself in work, to only not to feel. To leave or to stay in the relationship. Ninety-five percent of cheaters don't want to leave a previous relationship. Cheating is always a crisis with an open end. And to you now on what happens next.
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