What do you do with what's been done to you?
Jean Paul Sartre
whether we Agree to waive the right to adulthood
only for the reason that preserved
archaic children's vision of themselves and the world,
you want to keep struggling?
what are we talking – let's keep this inner child,
as it should, just don't let him
to dispose of your adult life.
My deep conviction is that the goal of any work with a psychologist or therapist is gain a new quality of life and help him in an adequate maturity.
If a person has experienced profound childhood trauma, the normal and natural course of growing up broken. And for this we need to look back in their past to escape from their own childhood, doda with your inner parent to ourselves that we once did not get, and allow yourself to move on. To to grow up, you must pass all the stages. Without a return to childhood and living that have not been experienced, growing up unlikely. I think that is the way you grow is to give love and acceptance, as well as the needs of our inner wounded child, shape your body internal enough a good inner parent; to accept that our own parents were not perfect, to listen to the wishes of the child, and, consequently, to be able to build their relationships with adult position.
as we have a figure of the Inner child, Inner parent, we have a figure of the Inner Adult, which is a figure combining all the subpersonalities. With the emergence of the Adult man becomes complete.
In my opinion, adult man is characterized by the following qualities:
- He understands their needs and understands how and where safe to themselves and others that way, he can satisfy them.
- It does not transfer the responsibility on others; one of his basic needs – to be master of his own life. To be the master of your own life also means that we live his life, not the life your parents, or your children.
- an Adult respect my own feelings and thoughts, but also feelings and thoughts of others and gives them the right to not be like him.
- a Grown man has such a quality as self-esteem.
- an Adult is able to make decisions. However, he understands that these decisions may not please his family.
- It recognizes their vulnerability and giving yourself and others the right to be wrong.
- a Grown man accepts and recognizes his feelings and is capable of a healthy, Mature expression.
So, in anger, flinging, yelling, throwing things – usually not Mature manifestation of feelings of anger, anger can survive in different ways.
- an Adult is able to care for themselves. Often, when I client comes for consultation, I ask, "how do you take care of yourself?" Somehow the first thing I often hear in response is the following words: "Well, sometimes I go for a manicure, but can still go to a cafe and drink a Cup of coffee before work." A manicure and a Cup of coffee is wonderful. But caring for yourself is not so limited, and is far not only this. Sometimes it is the most elementary things, for example, that you have time to eat normally, not forever get a bite on the run. That you understand your body's signals, and rest until ready to fall down from exhaustion. That you do not carry the flu and a cold on his feet, performing feats of labor, and give your body time to recover. This too – taking care of yourself and not only caring for your body and applying makeup in the morning. In addition to taking care of yourself can be attributed to the ability to seek help when you realize that you do not cope with life's challenges. Seeking help from a psychologist or psychotherapist can also be attributed to this item.
- Adult realistic in relation to himself, he doesn't try to be perfect and perfect in every way.
- an Adult is able to give the responsibility to someone who really relies. This point is closely related to number two, but I decided to submit it separately. And here I would like to talk in more detail about our relationship with our parents and our parent role.
Some clients coming to me for advice and groups that feel like a traitor to my parents. As if they "lash out" on them that actually nothing happened, that there are families where even worse – those in which the parents are alcoholics or drug addicts who beat their children and mock them that do some even less lucky – they grew up in an orphanage. Yes, to admit that something was wrong in our childhood, is not easy. And at the same time, it is a necessary step towards further progress. I usually tell clients: "If you have all been so good, why you so bad right now?" I am a supporter to trust my feelings and senses. Sooner or later we will have to remove their parents from the pedestal. Go through the stage of mourning what was not in our childhood, to understand that our parents did everything in their power to the point that they themselves were not perfect people, they also have a wounded child inside them is wounded so much that they are afraid to let go of their grown-up children myself. When you break away from parents and begin to see them as ordinary people with their problems and deficiencies, imbalances in the nature, you do not betray. In fact, you give not only yourself, but them a chance to grow up. No one will be able to do so. This may be somewhat exaggerated example, but you allow someone in his place to eat? If for you, someone will eat your lunch, you will continue to experience hunger. Also is your parents – if you will constantly do something instead of them (for example, to fill the void in their lives after you have already started your family, but must come at the first request of your parents), you emptiness is still not complete. It can only do they.
I accidentally made in the epigraph the words of J. P. Sartre's "What are you doing with what's been done to you?". Yes, it was important to accept and mourn their past. But to have the strength to live on, and live with another, healthier sense of self, responsibility for what we do now need to take. Another way is unlikely to succeed.
And one more thing. An adult understands that there are different situations. There are those where you can "unleash" your inner child, there are those where you can give voice (or not) of internal criticism. And that a grown man can live his own life.
an Excerpt from my book "healing the Inner child"