the

What is a good relationship? On this question of ten people will have ten different answers. The core, however, one is trust and acceptance.
And all would have been just and good if not for the fact that the path of trust and acceptance not all and not always straight and smooth. Have good relations in any understanding, there are enemies. If you want to keep warmth and trust, learn to beat them every day.

Take, for example, familiar to many of us the situation when the partner in the relationship somehow didn't figure obvious to us needs and not to satisfy her. It would seem that complicated — flowers to give on Fridays or report late from work in advance?

But there is the difficulty. And in fact, is not any indifference or irresponsibility (well, except that you see this regularly and feel always). The thing is that in the mind of a person, in addition to our needs and desires are still his own thoughts, problems, feelings and needs. And so we arranged that its content will always be closer and more priority. Thus, the first enemy of the relationship is the expectation that the partner will guess our desires and to read minds. What to do with such expectations? To begin to accept the fact that the desires and needs have to say. Sometimes directly, sometimes by innuendo. But a partner cannot, and should not guess about what you now want. You, by the way, too.

Another way to ruin a relationship is to control the partner. The desire to control everything comes from the insecurity that we learn from childhood. It so happened that the atmosphere around is not always safe and predictable, people do not always justify the confidence. But our close people this is absolutely not to blame. What for you reassurance and safety for the other — a sign of mistrust. Who wants to be in a relationship in which initially there is no trust? To take and disable the control function alone will not work. We are talking about automatic security system. To be able to feel safe and to trust, you will have to devote time to themselves in therapy. But you can track and recognize our need to control themselves and to negotiate with them about the minimal "intrusion" into the personal space of another. For example, you could ask your partner about his plans to propose spending time together with his friends, to call a couple times a day at work to check on things. It is also a control, but it is in the form of caring and inclusion and brings more warmth into the relationship.

speaking of inclusion. The absence of this inclusion is the third and almost the worst enemy of a relationship. What is the involvement essentially? It is the ability to be part of a world partner involvement in his emotional life, activities and values. Kind of like on this and built a normal relationship, but it is not so simple. Are long and smooth relationship in which one partner is not included in any of the spheres of life of the other, and the second feels miserable. For example, included in the material sphere, but emotionally removed. Can't hear the pain of a person, it does not hold joy. Inclusion is very important not to be confused with the implementation. Implementation entails a violation of personal boundaries (space) another person. Interested in things at work — that's fine, but to come and give "valuable" advice is overkill. In the first case you are involved in the second — introduced.

the Next problem, which can destroy even the most light feeling, comparing. Most of us remember the resentment, anger and pain because after all the effort spent on the task execution time, "Mary coped with this task better and what prevents you?". The comparison with someone is a form of depreciation. It is important that we feel in the relationship the only important, valuable. If we will compare with some "former" or "ex", our value drops, because the relationship is not clear why there is this third that something did or did not do. Even if the comparison is in favor of your partner, he will experience at least the awkwardness from the fact that your memory recorded the other. Yes, everyone understands that new relationships do not cause amnesia for the past. But this comparison becomes more enjoyable. Better encourage, praise, support. Begin your responses with "What a wonderful dinner you cooked," but without adding the comparative phrase in the spirit "...not that my ex/mother/sister" or "but my ex put out meat tastes better."

let's Move on to the biggest enemy of a happy relationship depreciation. This terrible phenomenon can take a variety of forms, from neglect to sarcasm. I repeat — we are going in the relationship largely in order to feel important. If the partner multiplies our importance by zero, it hurts the self-esteem and badly hurt. To believe, to keep close, or even love such a person very difficult. What to look for depreciation? This is usually manifested verbally and non-verbally. The dismissive tone, a look, a condescending smile, or a sarcastic phrase like "a Great bunch, dear, put in the closet" — all of it devalues the other person. So that there is direct sarcasm! The manifestation of the depreciation can be even outwardly supportive phrase like "You're soup is too salty, but nothing like anything you eat". The roots of the devaluation of another human being lie in the conventions of love. That is, in the view that the value depends on the (insert as appropriate). It also comes from childhood when that was loved, it was necessary to observe a number of conditions. But in a healthy relationship of conditionality can not be.

a True sense lies in the unconditional value each other. In any case, not one-sided. The most accurate phrase describing a healthy value, is "I love you for who you are." Of course, silent about the shortcomings not necessarily. But you can point them to regain a sense of values itself, but in order to correct the error. And it will be perceived quite differently.

Relationships can break down for another reason is the wrong allocation of responsibility. Eric Berne once said that each of us has three parts I — Parent Adult and Child (the Child). The first is our values, rules, about, and correct installation, the prohibitions and permissions. Adult is analyst, soberly assessing the reality. The child is our emotions and feelings, memories and insights. How it relates to justice? The most direct. It is important that the partners remain in the Adult. If the question of duties and responsibilities is solved when we are in the Parent (guided by stereotypes and someone's rules, regulations of our parent families), we will assume significantly more responsibility than you need, and will be implemented and controlled. If we take responsibility of the Child, i.e. being guided by our emotions and childrens belief — we do not take, and will expect "mind reading" and complete control with the other hand.

What this means? Gap. Relationships are an equal responsibility of both. If someone has it much more, that sooner or later get tired. And the second of the pair will live with a sense of inferiority. The question of distribution of responsibility is not something that is taken for granted. This topic is important and necessary to discuss,articulate its boundaries, and to hear about the limits of the other, compromise.

Next, it is necessary to win routine. When ending phase of love comes the harsh reality, to replace the idealization comes routine. I have an appointment a pair of call it another word — boredom. In the movie, already tired to walk after work, no strength to think of something, "and why doesn't he do something for me?"... This condition is normal and inevitable at some stage. But his commitment does not mean that there is no point in fighting.

In relationship it is important to add variety. Despite the fatigue, or the familiarity of this state. You can negotiate about the day surprises when the partners take turns choosing a day and prepare a few surprises to each other; you can and should add variety to sex life; you can go once a month out of town, find new Hobbies and give other the opportunity to enjoy separately (to give the tickets to the concert of your favorite band, a certificate in the Spa, Yes even on the strip!). In relations should be a place for healthy humor, concern, even conflict. Know how useful it is to beat cymbals together!

the Last enemy of the relationship is the inability to speak. It is not in these conversations, which encourages all sorts of literature in the style of "How to keep a husband." The case in ordinary human communication, in General topics, ability to discuss not only common interests but also common problems. We are talking about the ability to be honest in communication and to speak freely about all sides of the coin.

equally important to be able to hear the other person. To hear and not listen. The difference is that the one who hears and tries to understand. He asks clarifying questions, double-checks whether he understood and trusts another person, even if do not agree with it. Like this? "I think otherwise, but I believe that's the way you feel and so see it." The ability to speak allows one to avoid fantasies about what happens in the mind and private life of another person. And it is fantasy (samanukramya) often brings us to such a state that we are not able to adequately assess reality.

a Good relationship is not a given and not luck. It's constant work on building a good building on the already laid Foundation of trust, love and acceptance. It is important to give ourselves and the other person space to be themselves. It is important to acknowledge the value and importance of the partner and allow him to make a mistake. I sincerely hope that you will be able to consciously approach your relationship and over and over again to defeat enemies that I have described to your relationship was solid and secure.

2018-01-01
Статья выложена в ознакомительных целях. Все права на текст принадлежат ресурсу и/или автору (B17 B17)

Что интересного на портале?