a visit to the circus for the first time in 15 years, left me with many strong impressions and brought to life so many vivid emotions that wanted to turn them into something tangible, for example, in the text on the paper to keep them not only inside but also outside of their own feelings and sensations.
The first time in my life I was in the circus when I was 3-4 years, we were there with mom and dad. Remember, then, before the performance, I was very scared of the loud sounds of the circus orchestra, and especially the penetrating sounds of the drums, which seemed unable to ruin. Remember how I was comforted and convinced that it is not terrible and what's going to happen an interesting idea. I don't think it is then it worked, because from the view I don't remember absolutely nothing, but the terrifying sound of the orchestra forever inside my memory.
Now the music circus orchestra before the performance is more excitement and expectation of something solemn and does not seem scary and dangerous. And loud laughter and cries sitting near children multiply and sharpen all the senses.
when first I visited the circus in the 3 years I been there several times in my childhood, and surprisingly, the experience then was very different compared to the recent deliberate a trip to the circus.
as a child In the circus I was most fond of trapeze artists, they seemed so flexible and daring, with thoughts that they can hard it is to be given, was not absolutely, as if it were a separate category of people — circus gymnasts, from which they were born, grew up and now act under the big top, and no matter what they are doing, as it should be and it does not cost anything.
this time the first number was just an air gymnast swinging on the aerial swing, and each time she twisted sharply in the air or swung too hard, my heart stopped, and his hands unconsciously closed his eyes. It seemed that she was going to blow, fall and break. It was scary in some moments, until the chilling terror that gripped for a moment and released when ended with another complex element of the gymnasts in the air. In the presentation there were many rooms with gymnasts and acrobats, and every time they successfully get their tricks in my soul there came a welcome relief — at this time there! I thought about what these people in real life, what they are addicted that pleases them every day. And about how much they train, what times they are able to perform a trick and most importantly — for what they do, why they risked their lives and do it not occasionally, but every day during his performances? How they feel when the audience applauded them, does their ego saturation, and how long will it last? I felt a little uncomfortable and sad. What if their ego is so wounded that they are ready for not a lot of money every day go here the risk for the main narcissistic rewards — the admiration and recognition of people?
Clowns I used to not like, it seemed to me that they don't do anything special, just take time away from the program, always wanted a room with a clown over.
this time, however, the clown moved me to tears that I barely held back. The plot of one of his rooms, he really could not keep balance, standing on the cylinder, is constantly falling, while the entertainer every time I get flowers for the successful execution of the trick, they took out the girl from behind the scenes. And when the clown finally managed to get up at 5 or 6 stacked on top of each cylinder and balance on them, it is expected that someone will give him flowers, but none came, he continued to wait, and wandered in the hope of around the arena, looking into the distance, played sad music, and when he was about to leave the arena upset, ran a little girl — a real, not a fake and gave something to the clown. She embraced him and they stood embracing — the girl and the clown for a long time, I thought for a minute. I got up with tears, I thought I was going to burst into tears from such a touching moment and genuine emotion appeared on stage.
At the end of his last number have already tired of the clown approached the woman who sat in the same row with us, hugged and kissed her — it was probably his mother. This is even more touching moment, I suddenly saw that behind all this clown outfit and makeup, the lives of ordinary people, with their desires and joys, disappointments, and hopes, and who also has a mother — an ordinary mother of an ordinary clown.
And finally, I will talk about animals that have played at the show at the circus. I loved the rooms with trained animals, not realizing again that is behind all this. Now — anger, indignation and disappointment. The seals look extremely unnatural, doing something that nature is not explicitly provided. They put a special film so that it slid across the arena, and at a certain point poured on the quarter-bucket of water to Navy seal was able to dance break dance...Disgusting, inhumane, unfair to nature.
Tigers. My favourite animals. The strongest, the most graceful, the most graceful and beautiful. They are intimidated so much that literally jumps from the slightest approximation of sharp sticks. For a piece of meat that it's difficult to see from the fourth row, they walk around the arena on his hind legs. Any manifestation of aggression severely suppressed, however, they deliberately tease. Four tigers, and they are completely powerless before the two trainers. Pretty pathetic. At some point I (just like in the countertransference) to catch the tigers this suppressed anger and I want one of them finally bit the trainer's hand, to show who is in nature a predator, and who is the man. I'm scared that my anger, and after a while it changed to mild irritation and a huge disappointment. Well, it wasn't the last number in the program, and then all this would be carried along in full.
Magic is a circus theme. In childhood they are perceived as real breathtaking magic, something unique and incredible. The whole soul to believe that still there is somewhere in the world a magic wand that pulls rabbits out of hats or released doves. And now, when you're an adult? The realization that there are no magic wands, no magic, but surely there is some kind of trick, trying to find an inquisitive mind, to finally understand, well, as she quickly manages to change in the box or during an outbreak of shiny confetti?! Incomplete understanding is not solved and explained from the point of view of logic the focus even slightly annoying. In the end, it would be desirable sometimes to control everything!
In the end, the performance ends for me, elation, excitement, enthusiasm, a nice sense of "rascacielos" feelings, are completely different in content, but equally bright and saturated, and also thoughts about that it would be great to be able to see Nikulin in the role of a clown! ;)