1. A common GOAL is the most simple and understandable for everyone ingredient. It is with the education concepts WE are... and WE want: children, car, sex, a vacation, an apartment in the mortgage for life.... and begins preparations for the wedding. BUT in the course of a long marriage goals change and grow, as well as the partners themselves. And it is important to balance this growth with partners. For example, if the husband builds a career, developing himself and his business, and his lovely wife all day at home three children and the household, it is not surprising that in a couple or three years — he will become bored and nothing to talk about. And in a harmonious family — a woman needs time to start demanding the time and opportunity to themselves, their self-development, and the best husband in the world — I'm happy to accept her ideas, to support and help her to organize it. This, of course picture perfect, but to strive for it )
2. TIME SPENT ALONE in the first years of married life, this problem does not happen, unless YOU live in the same apartment with my mother, older brother and his wife. But over time, especially after the advent of children — spouses simply forget that in addition to the life, work, parenting, and other problems — THEY EAT EACH other. And the two of them is very important at least a couple hours a week to spend full time with each other.
FULL:
this is when you can talk to each other about something interesting for each of them (not on the dirty dishes, and two school children).
this is where all the attention is directed at him (no phones, social networks, tanks & TV)
is when there is mutual dialogue with questions about thoughts, feelings, experiences, addressed to Your partner (i.e. You are sincerely interested in each other, not to broadcast to one person about how You all got. And even if suddenly the last, do not forget to check with Your half, I got it him (her)?)
3. JOINT POSITIVE EMOTIONS is one of the most difficult and problematic ingredients in family life. Because over time, the joint experiences of positive emotions eroding. In their place comes life, routine, obligation, and just too lazy to strain on the subject. A Holy place is never empty! Because there where missing joint POSITIVE emotions — immediately begin to form the joint NEGATIVE emotions. This and the frequent quarrels in a vacuum, and the dispersal of a major scandal from nothing in 2 seconds, and the eternal irritation and coldness towards the partner. Those who are experienced in marriage — I'm sure you are familiar with such periods. Now all this can be avoided if you just make it a rule that once a week (well, at least 2 times a month) — you raise your priests together and organize a positive emotional jolt of color for two. It can be anything: going to the theater, drive to the nearest grove for extreme sex, walking alone in the Park, Cycling around the house, going to the SPA for a mutual massage where both will get a lot of pleasure without energy costs.
4. ADEQUATE (MODERATE) INTERDEPENDENCE. I said about reasonable and adequate, because here is very subtle and important distinction. I will try the examples to decompose.
ADEQUATE
"when you're waiting for me at home, I want to fly with a wind speed of"
"when you're around I laugh more often"
"without your help, my soup is not as good"
"I want to spoil you and delight, that I enjoy it"
INADEQUATE
"only you can make me happy (happy)"
"if you won't love me — I'm not going to live."
"without you I am nothing"
"if you screw me I'll go crazy with grief."
Feel the difference? Adequate promises — we give partner feel its necessity, importance, and uniqueness for us. And in an inadequate level of responsibility for someone else's life any sensible partner would start to shrink that part of the body on which he sits.
5. FULL SEX. Sure about sex nothing no need to explain, but that's about the usefulness to mention worth.
FULL is when both partners enjoy when free to discuss your desires and what you like or don't like. When carefully refer to the complexes to each other and not be afraid to take risks and open up to each other, to experiment. And if something does not work, then together you can "laugh and sleep" - no offense. And another IMPORTANT POINT (especially for women) — sex should not become a bargaining chip in Your relationship (you're my fur, and I'm having sex, you'll get some supper — and I'm the sex). Because there is a risk that the coin will depreciate, and both will be left with nothing.
6. HUMOR — it's simple — the humor is almost like mayonnaise, it can fix almost any dish. Similarly, in family life — almost any tense situation, a moderate conflict, reconciliation, failed sex, you can steer with the help of humor. Importantly, the sense of humor, the partners had similar! If this is not Your case, replace the appropriate humor to unobtrusive compliment (works just perfectly).
7. The CORRECT ARGUMENT — Yes, don't be surprised to pick a fight is necessary and important, for without the hassles of interests and there is no conflict of development and the needed discharge of negative energy. But to do it properly. And because there are a set of rules of good productive argument, I'll save the plot, and write a post about it next time. And it's too many letters.
All kindness and understanding!
Your family psychologist Ekaterina Filimonova.
