Where there are contradictions and different goals — there will always be conflicts. In a relationship they just can not avoid. A time to notice and discuss a very useful. Helps to take things to another level.
Certainly have to suffer the consequences of conflict, and everyone has their own favorite way to solve them. Someone who leads from the front, who the opposite tack and tries to avoid.
Just allocate five strategies:
2. a compromise,
How did it start?
First hand vaguely aware of the discomfort, tension and anger. Increases the friction between how I want and as it is. Complain to anyone, but do not speak directly with the source of discontent.
While the conflict resides in a latent state, we pretend that nothing is happening, accumulate dissatisfaction to the limit. Then release the steam with fellow comrades. Well, or take the bull by the horns and begin to sort things out.
When ignore the first signals, the intensity of emotions reaches a critical level. Works launcher "mechanism", which cuts off a peaceful solution. The hassle gets everything.
In the course are different methods:
— emotional blackmail (threatening to leave);
— engagement of other family members;
— the waiting game (the game in silence, "ignore");
— bullying (including physical violence).
the Main goal is to win at any cost, to prove their own innocence. Usually used by both parties. It is understandable that in such a situation, yield – like death. Sometimes, of course, after a heated argument — sweet reconciliation. But often a temporary truce. If that does not solve the issue that started the conflict, he often breaks out with new force.
I Believe that theory without practice is an empty phrase. Give examples of conflict situations for each strategy. Suggest practice in the comments how you would respond in real life. So you can determine which tactics closer. And in the real world these skills come in handy.
a Compromise is the best solution to the conflict. Who are you to say, send him to read my article about the conflict.
Because it is not. And now I'll tell you the pros and cons.
But first about the concept:
Compromise is a mutual concession to reach the goal.
And, in human terms, "come so that neither you nor I were not hurt".
let us Consider the example of the vacation. The husband wants to the North sea, the wife is in the South. So when you compromise anywhere they most likely will not go, will stay home. Or even "better" half of the vacation I will spend in the North, and half in the South.
as a result, partial result that does not suit both, but gives the possibility of postponing the decision the patient's problem.
Ideal as a temporary solution if there is a risk to lose everything. With the same vacation. One-time event adds spice and variety to life. If the situation is repeated from year to year, the torment of both. Sooner or later have to sit at the negotiating table.
+ removes the severity of the conflict. There is a time to gather my thoughts, to discuss the needs of each other.
- only effective in single or de minimis situations.
to pin the subject and invite to dream that motivates the participants and how to resolve conflict by compromise. And share what, in your opinion, the most appropriate way to get out of the situation.
And you keep silent, pretend it's all right, teach unworldly aunt.
So effectively if and when needed. Consider the pros and cons.
Under the gun: Avoidance or withdrawal from the solution.
Position is "I see Nothing, I hear nothing."
In the example about vacation. He was going on the North sea, it is on the South. How will the avoidance in this case. Husband for all the talk about the sea silently collects warm clothes and a kayak. And the wife in response to his fantasies about the vast tundra and lakes shows another swimsuit and beach bag.
it is Understood that the example is too exaggerated reactions. You know well that the stubborn ignoring reality only exacerbates the situation, and the problem is growing like a snowball.
what is avoidance? Noticing their own discontent — laugh off, shrug off the disturbing thoughts, assure that struck and nothing happened.
+ Allows to gather my thoughts. To think in a calm atmosphere the possible consequences. While quite acceptable to "walk away" from a conflict situation to understand what is happening, to understand their needs. Think how will it affect you if the issue will be resolved not in your favor. What steps do you then take a step.
- destroys the intimacy in a relationship. On important issues it is not advisable to pretend everything is fine. Especially if it's not.
For exercise try to build a dialogue, where one constantly applies a strategy of avoidance in response to cues of the opponent.
Two sides of the same coin: the assignment and the competition.
get along well in tandem, complementing each other. But as they say, there are nuances.
Strategy in the conflict: the Device or assignment.
— Okay, have it your way.
Traditionally attributed to women. In fact from the floor does not. Go on assignment for several reasons. When:
— aware of their wrong;
— minor problem;
— fear of losing the relationship.
the Conflict comes to naught and it seems that the family peace and quiet. In part it is true. Well, not to make the same on every occasion debriefing. Right? What is really there.
— you do not lose anything. It's hard or something.
Well, what words to convince myself to give in.
but, one big but. Constant refusal of her own needs in the end bring to the boiling point "And threw knives, and a pack of reproaches..." in Short, the eternal concessions in a pair gradually lead to tyranny.
Specially exaggerate and turn to strategy: Competition.
— Everything will be as I want.
the Rivalry is considered masculine way. It is a myth. Women also love to win. The desire of the second party is not taken into account.
large rates of persistence is respected. Small things looks like whims. In an extreme situation, perhaps the most effective strategy. Clear orders and no arguments.
it is Useful to use the competition in the case where the conflict involves the vital sphere and the desired speed of decision making. To argue and talk then.
So carried away that I almost forgot about the example. So, she is a lover of the South seas, he is from the North.
— all right, let's go to the North. You dreamed about it. And I even useful to see new places.
— We're going South. The objections are not accepted. Or are you not my husband anymore.
I grasped the difference? For exercise try to come up with two versions: concessions and rivalry. Connect the imagination and give rude statements in full.
a Note about conflicts end strategy: Cooperation.
— You're important to me and the roads, but I have my own interests.
Collaboration is the search for solution that satisfies both sides. In collaboration solutions can look like: competition, compromise, avoidance and assignment. But only superficially. Inside cooperation permeated with respect for the partner. The other person is perceived as equal and valuable to us.
Collaboration is the game in the long. The point is how to make you and I was fine. This strategy appears in the conversation about compensation and balance "take-give". Only the balance is reflected not in the specific numbers, but in the internal sense.
For small domestic issues, perhaps, too cumbersome and is fraught with a jump in the ongoing discussions instead of action. Any sensible idea can be brought to the point of absurdity. But we will not.
so, in a relationship, especially in long-term I think the strategy of cooperation most appropriate.
In daily life are seldom used, because it is not used. And because as the examples in the books (movies) nobody is talking.
First write the theory and then practice.
What you need for negotiations in case of disagreement?
— to separate the strong emotions towards the partner (resentment, indignation, anger) from the problem: put yourself in his place; honestly admit the part where he's right, show a willingness to deal with the problem;
— focus on common interests: look for what unites You, ask your partner about his needs, explain the importance of self-interest;
— to offer options acceptable to all: connect to your creativity, create joint options, don't stay on one decision, do not rush to evaluate and abandon any plans, take the time to discuss, don't insist on a single way of solving the problem;
— be open to arguments and proposals of the other side: do not criticize, do not judge, ask what it meant, a partner and get joy from communication.
Go to practice.
For example, take our couple that wants to vacation in different seas. Let's say they talked and found out that he wants the North to go down the river. And she wants to go to the southern sea, to go dancing.
What could be the options:
— they take on the North sea, and then it once a week, go to dances during the year, as he sits with children. All fair and happy.
— they are going on vacation for apart. So, too, sometimes. He and his friends. she's with her friends. All happy.
— they go to the South seas, but where there are rivers and the ability to raft. They are close, everyone is happy.
you Can continue this list. To write my case when I managed to come up with the perfect option for everyone. Or write a case of long and I did not get to negotiate. Let's try together.