Imagine you have a garden. He is dear to you and you care about him. Invest your soul, sow the seeds, fertilize the soil, watering, plan where and what you are going to grow. Here, you can grow flowers and then the tree, and there's the siren. And you enjoy YOUR space.
now imagine that your garden there is no fence. And someone already picks apples, and someone breaks the lilacs for a bouquet, and then runs somebody's dog and trampling the strawberries. Or your neighbor had uprooted trees and transplant them on your own.
How do you feel? Rush into battle and protect your garden? Or silently watching and crying? Maybe in the shower get mad at the neighbor, but agree that he's right, because to say "no" scared or ashamed?
And you can imagine a very different garden. It's just fine, but it is separated by a high oak fence. Even the gate is not visible.. you do not get in, it is clean and comfortable, but kind of lonely. Not someone to show off your flowers, to treat a crop. And the fence is life. There are people. They fight and make peace. But you are alone in your beautiful garden.
Which of the two options more similar to your life?
What's more responds to you?
Variant without borders is about the merger.
When I do not feel their borders. Allow to enter my space to tell me how to live, to criticize and devalue me, my desires, thoughts and feelings. Very surprised when faced with someone's boundaries. Get angry and demand to let me in. Feel deserted and abandoned, because the separateness and difference are perceived as a threat. Start to lose themselves because they do not know where my that my and how does it. And avoiding responsibility.
Option with a high and strong fence about the insulation.
When I'm alone. I'm so afraid of vulnerability that they try to be unnoticed. I'm so much afraid of my feelings I choose to feel nothing. And no one to himself to keep away. Only in this case, I can maintain stability in their lives. Perhaps since my childhood, I learned that this world is not me and my garden (internal world) anyone interested. It is very painful, so I choose a sturdy fence, it's safer.
Person in a merger or insulation of hard to realize that borders is not only about the separateness, and togetherness. What if you have them between real people happen, close and sustainable relationship. That line is different for everyone that they are mobile, that they are always talking about responsibility, trust, respect and closeness.