About the victim in a codependent relationship


But why forever? All will end when the partners decide to separate or one of them will take a reference to partnerships. If the second dare to try, then, to begin their work on the relationship. But back to our Victim.

the Victim (and in Schema Therapy this role corresponds to most of the Submissive mode of Surrender) can't live without the approval of myself from others that surround it. She waits for their love, warmth, acceptance. And not just waiting, but also looking for their rescue from loneliness and longing. She can't self-actualize, and is constantly looking for recommendations of what else to do how else to make her finally noticed and approved. And someone or something will tell you how to achieve this miracle, a potion to brew, what secret knowledge to... And it's like she finds these recommendations – books, webinars, rituals, knowledge about karma, etc, etc, etc.

in Other words, the Victim spends his life in constant movement to the horizon, which moves away at the approach. She tries to sacrifice the state of happiness "here and now" to reach the unreachable, to become something completely different that would be worthy of happiness. As a result, such a person renounces itself in favor of manipulation as a Lifeguard and the tyranny of the Stalker. Hard and not so joyful life.

the Most common cause of the Victims of such behavior lies in the failure to receive it once for care, protection, love, warmth when very very needed! The Victim came to believe that if she changes, will try hard, then it will be noticed, love, will give finally the desired, will be awarded a well-deserved and hard-won happiness. So while waiting for rescue can take the whole life.

children are the most unprotected and vulnerable in the psychological sense. They haven't yet learned to cope with the influx of emotions, unexpected situations. At least once, but each could be in a situation that is above him, and the impact on the resolution of the situation, he can not render.


  • divorce, traumatizing him and change his attitude. He cannot change this and must live with the consequences of – new relationships, new environment;
  • in the presence of aggressive or violent relations in the family, the child is forced to adapt to the conditions of life;
  • if the financial situation of the family or one parent distressed, the child may suffer from a shortfall that have children in other more affluent families – toys, separate rooms, chic clothes, gadgets, and other "charms".

So gets injured our Child, part of our personality. And already being in adulthood, such a person in the event of difficult situations that require resolution, falls into the state of the child. It seems that he is not able to change anything himself, that he was a victim of circumstances, that is not even worth thinking about getting out of this situation because he's not the all-powerful Adult, who has the power and authority.

If a person lives in the condition of the Victim, his top answers on the present life opportunities will be "Not for me", "I can't", "I can't", "I don't want anything now" - is a complete refusal to choose an Adult.

Victim (Defeatist): "Not for me", "I can't", "I can't", "I do not want anything"...

How to understand that people try on the role of the Victim?

  • Requirement of others to help to resolve any situation to maintain because they have to!
  • Anger at those who are supposed to help (family, friends) and yourself for the impotence.
  • Excessive helplessness, lack of will, suffering in a vacuum, frustration and resentment;
  • Certain statements in various situations – "can't", "will", "I don't need already" and the like.

not to allow the Victim to possess a person, you need to deal with it. Because the adult always has a choice. Have to comfort your Inner Child, and an adult to say to himself: "I am the master of my life!", "I don't want to be a Victim", "I decide."

mode a Healthy Adult: "I am the master of my life!", "I don't want to be a Victim", "I decide."

I recommend to monitor the condition of the Victim, and how great it feels. Try to find a link to the past, childish insults and sorrows. And the entry in the Victim and exit from this state.

of Course, the easiest way to get rid of this regime - psychotherapy (I believe that the most effective direction in this plan, Schema Therapy). With my clients I'm working on the problem at all levels, from habitual patterns of behavior ("Yes, of course I miss you, I'm not in a hurry!"), and deeper, to the periods of childhood when these schemes were formed. br>
I Wish you to create a harmonious partnership, if you're aiming for. In this case the time will come when the need for dysfunctional roles will disappear.

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