How often have you listened to that you need to accept yourself? Or accept the situation? Other people for who they are? This is a very common advice to friends and family: "don't worry. Just accept the situation".
But the fact of the matter is that it's not so just what psychological consultations, I always remind customers.
to narrow the range of possible questions and topics, let's talk about accepting yourself. However, the very essence of this action will be the same with other people, situations, circumstances.
"Make" means to form a relationship.
the identity of the person is a complex relations*. All the important people in our lives are part of this hierarchy. Yes, it is a hierarchy. Even the most open and friendly person has more and less significant contacts, more and less close people. And in the system of relations of the individual includes respect for yourself, for the important stuff to external circumstances, to unfamiliar people (distant relationship).
This system is movable, it can change throughout life. Due to changes in relationships and changes, the formation of personality. when a person does not accept something in your life, it means that something has high value, but he can't or doesn't want to define this certain place in the structure of relations.
the Failure itself can mean different.
for Example, not taking a person may not have a stable self, it depends on the smallest observations of other people or changes in a situation.
the Failure itself can also mean that in the personality image of ourselves is diverted relegation places, not worthy of any attention.
Or another option: people not accepting themselves is the image of who wants to be but can't or not trying to approach him in reality and therefore suffers from the way he is.
Make impossible by only pereopisanie.
the Attitude consists of three components: the emotions, thoughts and behavior. Any significant relationship is evident in all three forms. In fact the relationship becomes uncertain, when between them there are contradictions. So I can think that someone is very nice, but to feel him on an emotional level hostility. Or to behave nice with it, but think about it, who do not even want to meet.
this implies that if you want to accept yourself, not only to think about themselves differently. Acceptance only happens when both emotionally and in terms of behaviour, thoughts and statements about yourself disappear condemnation and hostility. Take means to change the attitude, not just a description.
Make yourself harder than others.
When you don't take other people or things, or situations, you can refuse them. This is a normal process of life and identity formation, when some important contacts are replaced by others. In childhood the most important people – the parents or the people who do their role. Later, the friends are more important than parents. And so on... If you have trouble with someone you can (even if it is not always easy) to refuse to communicate with that person. But from yourself you will not go anywhere.
Attitude occurs last in the history of the development of the individual. It depends on the other, has already formed a relationship. But it is attitude ensures the integrity personality. So change self is impossible without affecting the whole system. In addition, with age, the attitude is strengthened, becoming traits, those with which we identify ourselves.
To make it a sincere conversation with him.
Based on all that has been said, hopefully, it became clear that basis of the revision of relations – sincerity. Accept yourself, ignoring any part of his life, impossible. Only an open and honest review of life events, emotions, beliefs and attitudes, their actions and behaviors will lead to desired changes.
in addition, only you can do that work. Self-acceptance – the result of a "conversation with oneself". the Criterion of the correctness of changes – your own feelings, your new ways to respond to life events, new ways to behave and think about yourself. However, to do this work all alone is quite difficult (although probably possible).
the task of the psychologist is to help people to hold this sincere review, to create the conditions for such a conversation to a client, to direct his attention to those elements of the relations that fall out of focus. Conversation during counseling help for domestic work client, and in any case not replace it.
of Course, for the revision of relations with them, there are a variety of techniques, methods, exercises. However, the main condition for their implementation is systematic.
you Cannot use the same technique to change everything. That is why psychological help in this case needs to be systematic and consistent.
And the advice "just accept it like it is" - it is rather good wishes.
* In psychology there are different concepts of personality. In this text and in my professional psychological work I rely on the theory of relations V. N. Myasishchev.
This and other my notes published in Facebook page: https://vk.com/psyhodesign