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This article examines the coalitions. Not military, not commercial, not public. And family!

it Turns out that the families we create associations that either maintains harmony or destroy it. In psychology, such unions are called family coalitions.

Your extended family is several generations – parents, spouses, children. And only unions within one generation will be to maintain stability and the proper distribution of roles: grandparents, husband, wife, children.

why the need For such alliances – coalition? For example, to solve current questions and problems, planning goals and fulfilling their roles and functions, for intimacy and support. Perfectly normal, when relations between family members of one generation closer than intergenerational.

I often meet the families of their clients situation when husband/wife are in a coalition either with their parents or with children. Also often see a coalition of grandparents with their grandchildren.

I'll show specific examples from my practice different variants are destructive to family well-being unions. ⠀

First Varant coalition with parents.

🔶Olga, 34 years. Daily actively discusses with his mother how to reason with rogue 15-year-old daughter. Grandma included in maximum issue, is looking for psychologists, provides tips, "finger on the pulse".
⠀questions With her husband education daughter Olga does not discuss, because their views did not coincide. He believes that we need to be patient and survive the transition to adulthood. Olga was expelled from this thread, and thus the husband and is gradually moving away from his wife and daughter.

🔶36-year-old Svetlana-drinking husband. For assistance in solving this problem, she moved closer to his mother, i.e. mother-in-law. She complains to her husband, talks about the binges. Mom calls son and lecturing, fully supporting the daughter-in-law.
⠀together, they periodically encode husband's Lights, but the periods of abstinence are becoming shorter. In this situation, Svelana makes the mistake of trying to reason with her husband through his mother. The mother-in-law the best of intentions, only exacerbates the situation, turning in bezvyigryshnaya the game in the "Rescuer".

🔶Alex, 30 years. Regularly complains about his mother to his wife: "lazy, how much money did not earn all her little." The issues of doing life, of caring for the child takes his mother's side as opposed to the opinion of his wife.
⠀This leads to constant conflict because his wife believes that he needs to learn to "think for themselves" and to discuss those moments that he is not happy. In this situation, Alexei's mother on a psychological level, is endowed with the role of his wife.

the Second option is the coalition of one parent with children.

🔶Irina, 41. She and her husband have two children – a son 13 years and daughter 8 years old. With her husband formal, long gone warmth and closeness. It is suspected that he has another woman. Irina their problems and feelings, even about her husband !!! shares with 13-year-old son. She asks him tips: how to do, what dress to wear, what to cook. With daughter relationship a bit distant and difficult – she doesn't want to do homework, to get up in the morning at school, rude. ⠀Daughter was distant from her mother, and most likely is in a difficult psychological situation. The son in this situation performs a mixed role – and son, and husband. This will cause great problems as in his division, and the creation of his family. Irina, creating a coalition with his son, defended the need to solve the problems in the relationship with her husband.
⠀⠀
by the Way, in families with multiple children from each spouse can be like "their" children, with whom they have alliances. So the couple can resolve conflicts with each other, using children as a weapon. It only aggravates the relations between the children, separating them, in turn provoking their confilict.

the Third option is a coalition of grandparents with their grandchildren.

🔶Natalia, 31 years. Care of sons big part is taken by the grandmother: watching after school, does his homework, stays with them when the parents go away on trips. Natalia notes that after staying with my grandmother, sons "forget" family rules and norms and become unmanageable.
⠀Grandmother allows them a lot of things that are forbidden by parents, offering a "keep the secret that the parents do not know". Even a few times "covers" the absence from school of one of the grandchildren. Thus it podryvaet the authority of parents, and she tries at least partially to occupy their role. On this basis, Natalya began a conflict with her husband, and to spoil relations with his sons.

Conclusions.

Now you know whom to unite and whom to unite to strengthen families. And life examples of my clients demonstrate how intergenerational coalition are undermining stability in the family.

🔶Strengthen your relationship with your spouse, discuss and solve issues and problems with it.
🔶the unions Keep your kids! It's good that they have each other they have their Affairs and secrets that you are not dedicated.
🔶Not to get involved in his problems parents. Let them more engaged with ourselves and each other.

And remember that every situation can be corrected, even if she does seem a dead end!

Maria Kovaleva
2018-01-07
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