a Typical example of the neurotic relationship: "And it' s hard and can't go". Healthy relationships are observed not only between a man and a woman. You have already from previous articles I realized that adults relationship only reproduce an unconscious script.
Neurotic creates a neurotic and began to write of neurotic scenario with my mom. Any intimate relationship are linked.
Solving problems with a man, you change their usual script with parents, children. Conversely, leaving the conscious or unconscious conflict with parents, especially the mother, we begin to build other relationships with men.
how to start your growing up
“I'm 27 years old. I have graduated from University, began to live separately from their parents. But my mom doesn't understand that I have grown up, has her own life, she continues to try to control me. Calls several times a day just to see what I'm doing. If I don't answer the phone - ring up my friends and acquaintances. I'm embarrassed in front of strangers, but she doesn't understand. How can I affect her behavior?”
of Course, for parents we will forever remain children. And in some cases, they forget that children one day grow up, start their own life, they become independent individuals, they do not need to patronize. Mothers are very difficult to accept your child as a SEPARATE person, because when he was a part of not only the life of the mother, but also the real part of the body, for 9 months he was in the womb. How then need to expand your mind to understand and accept that part isn't a part of, as an independent adult man with his thoughts and desires.
It's hard to explain to a friend, but the path separation is inseparably linked with defending their personal boundaries. Loved ones will be offended and try to continue to behave as you see fit. But you still have to put strict limits: “I don't want to talk like that”, “I'm not going to listen to reproaches in the address”, “If you don't stop to control me, I will not take up.”
If the native people do not understand why you set the terms, and continues to require, by force to give advice, just unplug the phone, move away from communication. No need to explain, to argue and even more to convince and prove.
Parents will always be interested in communicating with the child, so sooner or later they will understand you and will try to heed your desires. You need to give them time to get used to the idea: the child has matured, he has his own life and he's entitled to some freedom. But to behave you need to start to grow up. But if you retain children's behaviour and reactions, of course, and parents will continue to communicate with you the old-fashioned way.
Psychologists don't help
Many say that psychologists don't help. Of course it will if you don't want to help you in every way and sabotaged the changes. Each neurosis has its benefits. "And it' s hard and can't go" is about? Want it the way I want it to be. Don't want to accept what is in the relationship, but without it I do not see... We unconsciously cling to your neuroticism. For some reason some part of it convenient to be the child of his mother. And she doesn't want to skim. Her so good.
Often women come to me who are tired of the relationship. And with him is unbearable and without bad. They are asking help to leave. But as soon as we start doing the work to breakup, they immediately include to "reverse". Scared to stay without him. If in your heart you are not ready to abandon it, any psychologist will not help you. We do not see how we used to live in a sick relationship. And they may even become the norm. And I can't even imagine what in the relationship can feel different.
Because in fact we with this others will not know what to do. And if life come other feelings, other sensations, we will bacteraemia. We won't know what to do with it. A new relationship is an experience which we never had. And this means no strategies of behavior and action in such a situation. At this stage also need a psychologist who will help you learn how to be different. How many stages need to go. To destroy morbid scenario and to forget their habitual actions and learn to live in the new, acquiring other skills.
“I constantly be in a neurotic relationship. Them I love give than receive. I keep telling myself: “be Patient, everything will work out. Talk to him, try to explain your feelings.” I'm constantly alone I got a sense of abandonment, no one of usefulness. To whom of us is the main problem? How can I be sure that ending this relationship will be able to learn others feelings and emotions? Where is the border between the need to end the relationship and work on yourself?”
the fact that the problem is not man. The fact that you are next to him, feeling the uselessness is your feelings. And they just did came to you from your childhood. That's where you feel useless and you were lonely. A man is chosen by your unconscious is not accidental. He and you need to feel unnecessary. You are the other love I do not know. For your relationship is to be permanently or from time to time unnecessary. If someone you don't experience these feelings, then you generally feel nothing. And then you can say, "I don't love him."
Is it possible to leave script
You find a man who makes you feel what you felt in your childhood. It is in General your karmic teacher, he helps you to go back to unresolved childhood experiences. And what to do in all this? To SURVIVE. What's the point if you leave him? Feelings-yours, they will remain with you. Any other man will hook you for your feelings and you will again feel the same. Well, what good is it to tear the relationship I? You can break, it is. But you need to be alone after a breakup and to experience all these feelings without him or even with him, but to experience pain. The pain of his abandonment. Other is not given, if you want to change your feelings and in General laid the unconscious child in the scenario of relations.
is it Possible to exit the script and be happy. Is it required to break up? It is really in the relationship to survive all the painful feelings. You can, but you still have an emotional breakup. In any case you have to leave, to distance themselves from the partner. But the most important thing to otlepitsya emotionally. It is impossible to change the relationship, not destroying and not mourned existing. Of course, you can live in one apartment, but it is just a state of detachment and non-involvement in the emotional connection.
will you be Able to live in the same area, but live as if men no in your life? Physically or emotionally you will have to leave. The emotional aspect I am doing more attention, because you can escape from men, but the soul to be with him in the relationship.
But you can live together, but the soul to be separated from him.
to go to another level in the relationship, you need to solve their problems, to stop being neurotic. To grow up. Only then other options are possible scenarios.
Real change or the game
If you continue to be emotionally intimate with your partner is a game change. Another will not allow you to change. Because for some reason it also suits your neurosis, and he willingly let go of this condition. Because of the neurosis, again, there is a secondary benefit. He needs something, and then one neurotic begins to change, and your partner needs to change too or all on the verge of destruction.
And if he is not ready to change? Or does he need more time? Therefore it's best to separate and calm, alone, to change from within. Thereby to give the partner time to think, to change it or not.
In this case, you need to understand what changed, you may lose your current relationship. For example, a man is not ready and does not want to follow you and change internally. It is also possible. And it is his right, his choice, his decision. You need to understand that you can only do everything possible for the movement partner in your direction, but whether he will begin the movement or not... it's his choice!
Your job within you should be directed first to your internal changes. Well, they can lead to real separation. But it wouldn't be as painful as if you pulled yourself out of unhealthy relationships. br>
once you are able to experience soreness, you will need to have another of the same person, not neurotic. If the partner is not able to continue to move forward, you will go in search of calm, mentally balanced, spiritually healthy men. After all, you are now calmer, aware of their internal problems and have worked for them, turned into a healthy normal woman who wants happiness. Now you are ready for a new experience of relationship with a normal man.
I Want to sum the following up: if your relationship bring you only suffering, then you need to understand that it is not in the partner. The thing yourself. And problems need to be solved with yourself, your inner state.
When I to the consultation argue in favor of one that can't break up with a man, because “the apartment, nowhere to live, children to feed” - it's all nonsense, an excellent cover! It is not in the external circumstances and your inability to make a decision and break the tie. At the moment they tell you something is needed. Why – is another question.
If you have "a hard time with them and can't go", the 6-month program: "the Road Home" will help you to solve this internal conflict. br>
With love,
Irina Gavrilova Dempsey