Anticipating reactions and comments on the topic "it is better to divorce than life in hell with his father an alcoholic," etc., I have to say – this article is not a call "NOT to DIVORCE," contrary to common sense! Domestic violence, alcoholism, toxic relationships, and in General, just a lack of love, warmth, understanding – these are the worst conditions for life and development of the child, can injure much more than a divorce. And that's another story (including other stories of clients and their traumas). In this article, we are talking, largely, about the functional normative families where reigned love, attention, and well – being "from time to time." Where two loving once the person decided not to be together. And this fact divides the child's life into BEFORE and AFTER.
When, the most lucid parents, taking care of the child apply to the psychologist, taking the decision to divorce their request sounds "How to make it so that child would not get injured?".
And the psychologist is forced to tell the truth. NO way! It's impossible. Divorce is a traumatic event in the life of the family, and save on magic wand child's natural emotions – an impossible task.
the Question should be put differently- how to help him through the trauma and not to develop neurotic symptoms! To this aim – as the help of experts in support of the family in divorce and the responsibility of adults, parents.
Divorce is not an event! Divorce is a process! And this process begins long before the divorce. You can imagine what it is accompanied by a special emotional background, the tense situation in the family, miscommunications, conflicts, mutual accusations, etc.
Therefore, as a rule, when making decisions about parents divorce the child has a certain "baggage": the anxieties, inner conflicts, fears, anxieties, resentment, stress. br>
we Can assume that the trauma of divorce for a child is more serious than bigger and heavier the Luggage, the more vnutripsihicheskoy conflicts of the child is formed even before the divorce. br>
Basis of internal experiences of the child when the parents divorce:
1. Fear of loss of love (destruction illusion the infinity of love). br>
the Child is faced with the (often parents tell him it is) that mom and dad no longer love each other. He makes a simple conclusion: "If love ends, then I can be loving". Love adults, is not forever! That is why, children often begin to say that the departed dad didn't like him. The child begins to seriously fear that he will be abandoned by their parents and other loving adults. br>
2. The fear of losing the other parent
So, how often a child stays with one parent (mother) – he loses ( in his subjective experience) one love object, the father. The child gets the experience of the loss of his father, and he aktiviziruyutsya fear of losing mom. As a result, the child shows the behavior caused alarm: reinforced dependence on the mother, "clinging to it", the need to control the mother (where to go, what something does, etc.), heightened concern for her well-being, health, hysteria about the care etc. the younger the age of the child, the more intense manifestations of dependence and anxiety.
3. The feeling of loneliness
the Child is often left alone with their own experiences. Not always his behavior gives inner experiences - apparently it can remain calm, and often, his behavior is just "improving" - parents and relatives, I believe that it is either small and "little understood" or had a large and "understands everything". Due to lack of own resources, adults is not able to talk with the child about what is happening so efficiently, that would reduce the intensity and trauma of his experiences. Silenced, any information, parents and relatives do not report on their own experiences and conditions. Trying to protect the child, close the adults "ignoring" the subject of divorce, avoid any talk about what is happening. The child is not able to understand whether all okay with them. In the absence of reliable information about the present and the future – the child is forced to fantasize, and fantasy is always more disastrous. Avoiding to deal with the "sick topics", not knowing what to say to a child – adults unconsciously distanciruemsa, isolated from him. Therefore, a child staying one-on-one with their fears, lack of understanding - internally experiencing the feeling of loneliness and alienation: its familiar, stable and predictable world crumbled. The basic sense of security and confidence to the world broken. The future is unpredictable and not clear.
4. Loss of identity, of self.
as the identity of the child is based on identification with aspects of the personalities of both parents, the child, in the face of the passing of a parent (often the father) is losing a part of yourself! He remodelled with the qualities that were present in the father – for example: strength, perseverance, the ability to defend themselves. The child is faced with many questions, not finding answers: Who am I now? And what I now name? And how I now have a family? And will I now have a grandmother in the same composition? And now what family I belong to mom? How am I supposed to treat dad? Do I have the right now to love him? Where will I live? How to change my life? Etc.
the Sequel to SL. part.
