parents ' Divorce through the eyes of a child. What a little child feels when his mom and dad breaking up? What he sees his loved ones, experiencing a painful breakup?
When parents divorce, lost a very important function - triangulatory: when when the third relieves tension between the two - me scolds mom, can I go for support to the Pope. Now the child has to withstand the stress dyadic relationships (one-on-one with mom), and nowhere else to hide! Now there is no rear in the third person. Now in the whole world – you have one partner! And we TWO alone with each other, with all the strong feelings, love, and outbursts of anger, irritation and dissatisfaction.
For a child the transition from the threefold relations to dyadic, very complicated. It's one thing when I can simultaneously maintain a relationship with both parents, and quite another when can I see dad only on condition of refusal of the mother and Vice versa.
When parents, especially in the acute stage of the conflict, unable to agree, to cooperate, and moreover deploy a "war" for the child – the child is forced to abandon one of the parents that would safely coexist with others, identifying ourselves with him.
the child, there will be the so-called "loyalties": when I'm constantly forced to choose between mom and dad.
This conflict of loyalty is so unbearable that the child has no choice as unconsciously to "split" the images of parents: he does blame bad father, and the mother becomes the innocent and the good. This occurs more likely when parents themselves have resorted to this mechanism of splitting: that would finally break up, the other should be declared a "bastard" or "bitch". To divorce "stupid" or "irresponsible asshole" is much easier. And this inevitably is the child, even if parents are sure that they "do not swear at the child," or, "I never say the child is bad, the father"! Thus, parents underestimate the sensitivity of the child to what is happening in the family.
the Child inevitably loses one of the parents!
the Father, if:
- the mother prevents contact with the child, and they really see each other physically, the child enters into a coalition with mother against the father. He shows loyalty to his mother
-the child may refuse contact with his father, if he is declared guilty internally.
- the child blames the mother that he no longer sees his father. He internally renounces the mother, loses the emotional bond with her idealizing of the father.
Divorce for a child is often betrayed by the person who is leaving. What causes the feeling of burning resentment, and a sense of failure, efektivnosti - because leaving a spouse, the outgoing partner leaves and child (his inner experience). Searches for the causes of things in themselves: am I not good enough, smart, handsome? I didn't meet my expectations. The baby attributes to himself the blame for "lack of goodness". When you spend favorite people he takes with him a part of your feelings of usefulness!
Subsequently this can affect the working out of the traumatic scenario of the relations, already grown-up child with partners: for girls frequent scenario, "return of love unavailable dad." Then she in her adult life, over and over again, unconsciously inaccessible, unfeeling men, often married. Or, trying to avoid re-injury of rejection and loss – to be afraid any relationship with a man to stay cool, "independent", avoiding the vicinity.
in boys (preschool age) who, after divorce, continue to live with her mother, the variant scenario "of total opposition to the mother", reflected in the endless struggles between partners: lack and the depreciation of the father's resentment it does not allow identification with the male role. So, boy, is forced to identify with the mother, i.e. a woman. At the same time, he seeks to avoid this identification, she actively resisting. Which in the circumstances is very difficult. As small, weak, and totally rely on the only remaining available love object - mother. To avoid identification with the mother only by desperate resistance to it – its requirements, its example, experience, knowledge, tips, etc. the Opposition of the mother desperate to protect the boy from female identifying, and paying for it will have a conflicting relationship with her. And if trauma is not experienced – and with all the women that will be projected this role, with the purpose of realization of the traumatic scenario.
Trauma tends to repeat, to "take revenge" on those circumstances in which it appeared. Therefore, unconsciously repeats itself and clears.