the Most frequent question I ask in my consultations: what do you want for yourself? The two most common answers: don't know and you never know what I want. If these answers suit You, you are welcome to further read the article.

unfortunately, in our culture it is not accepted to be "bad." Bad – means to defend their interests, their borders, to refuse, to go against himself for the sake of others. Still in our seemingly already psychologicaland society, I am faced with this understanding: if you think you are, you're selfish. Because "need" to be patient and try to understand the situation or the other person, even to the detriment of themselves. That's when You are truly "good" person and can be proud of. And it does not matter that in the end You have once again betrayed yourself, your mood or to hell, and all around angry and want to shout loudly: how did you get it!

I propose to consider the situation in which plus-minus was all: someone persistently uses. It can be anyone: a friend who endlessly ringing and for the umpteenth time whining about a failed relationship, or a husband who every day off the couch requires dinner (although you are working, in General, is the same), or mother-in-law, or mother, or employee at work, etc. You do not want to fulfill someone else's request, or can't, or today very tired and wanted to lie down or take a bath, and do not want to talk to anyone. But You are guided by the word "necessary". And You selflessly put their discontent away, and harnessed to the problem of a perfectly healthy adult and independent people. Trying once again to support a friend who is, sorry, persistently ignored your advice to go get my life to a competent in these matters the psychologist, and continues to use You as vests. Or in a situation with a spouse You "need" an hour of standing over a stove instead of a long-awaited vacation, cooking dinner blessed, because "he's hungry" or "being childish". Either succumb to the manipulation of a tearful mother-in-law or mother. Or substituting again a colleague at work on your day off. In the end, usually long, sometimes consciously,i.e. You realize that it goes against your wishes, sometimes in the habit, they say life is. You suffer, suffer, suffer, and then surprised himself and to others breaks down to the PR on some trifle on the first object (often the children or subordinates). And, if I may say so, in the best case. At worst, if You are well, "very good" man, you continue to suffer and gradually go away in apathy, depression or disease.

As you think, if two of the above reaction? Of course not. After all, reacting to someone, for example, on the child, You spoil a relationship with him. And continually repress their own emotions, You will probably go into a depression.

What to do?

  1. to learn to listen to their own needs and learn to meet them.
  2. learn to distinguish between their own and others needs. And if You are haunted by the word "necessary", try to ask yourself the question: who should then? In this case, anger -lovely assistant, she works as a litmus test. If Your needs are not satisfied, move on the background, Your "I want" breaking on the desires of others, because "they want" is more important, You will feel angry and hurt.
  3. Learn to place their needs in relations with people. Agree to identify their own needs on time and calmly will be much more constructive than yelling when you have enough negativity and You will be.
  4. to learn to negotiate with other people because they have needs too.

It's a tough road, but it will lead You to greater satisfaction with life, and in the morning You want to Wake up to do what YOU want!

the Choice is yours.

Helen Sitnik
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