Brothers and sisters. How relationships affect adult life?


many habits, Outlook on life, a sense of yourself and look at other are formed in childhood. The fact that from a very early age absorbed as a reality in the parental home, and later reproduced in adult life — on the thumb. Thus, relationships with brothers and sisters in the family influence the life of an adult and can be projected onto his relationship with others.

Take as the average model for analyzing family in which there are father, mother and two children.

Only child

Children who have no brothers and sisters, enjoy the full attention of parents. All the resources of mom and dad completely belong to them and only them. On the one hand, it's good. It's nice to be the only heir of the king and no one to share. But there's a downside.

If parents want to hang on to their only son or daughter of your expectations, then Chad can not get away. Total control, care, and concern for every sneeze, tips for any reason. Not to hide and not to hide from this overwhelming concern.

the danger of the situation is that an only child grows up with great ambitions. The whole world, as parents, should belong to me and only me! But these ambitions are often not supported by the experience of struggle and defend their interests. After all, for him, the parents did. Everything provided at once, presented on a silver platter. And so, when the only children leaving the greenhouse conditions of the parent "of the garden of Eden" and be alone with the real difficulties to adapt to this it's very hard. "Mom, take me back!"

If the relationship between two such "loners", there is a risk that everyone will be on his own. The degree of autonomy and isolation in such a Union is through the roof.

But since you've managed to be in such a pair, remember that respect for psychological boundaries partner — just a necessary thing. This rule should be followed of course. Want to be with this person — don't step on his sore spot.

Surprises and sudden change in personal plans experienced extremely painful. Let the partner will have their own territory, their space, their belongings, their time. He wanted to be alone — let him be. As you go about your business.

the Eldest child

the Older children some time can enjoy the sole presence in the family, but sooner or later topple them from the pedestal of exclusivity. As soon as they have a brother or sister, the parents ' attention naturally switches to the youngest.

Although in most cases the older child is not placed in a group home and not sent to my grandmother for all his life he remains a thorn in our hearts. He may perceive the incident as a betrayal of the mother. Her milk now belongs only to the younger. "Oh, Woe is me, Woe, I'll never get back the lost!"

And the most regrettable that this sense of betrayal older child can move on to other people. Whoever he faced in life — at work, in personal relationships, he may consciously or unconsciously present a model of behavior: "Now, of course, good, but sooner or later one of you will betray me, as did my own mother. So I trust you will not..."

Even at the height of bliss, a man waiting for a trick or trouble. Such a person, even having reached a very serious career heights, they may be jealous of any outstanding Deputy or subordinate, fearing for his chair, expelling it unconscious aggression toward his younger brother.

But the position of elder has its advantages. Older children usually have experience of excellence and care for the younger, responsible, serious, practical, pragmatic, authoritarian, straight. As you know, in adulthood it is crying career of the Manager.

But not to turn their subordinates into a tyrant and despot, older children need to work on their skills of conducting equal dialogue, skill to listen to opinion of colleagues and subordinates, to Express a sincere interest in their lives. In other words, to overcome the paranoia and practice the skills of teamwork.

Youngest child

Younger children, on the one hand, from birth fall under the "oppression" of the elders. And the two older ones have their own rightness. "If you took me to such a resource as the exclusive attention of the parents suffer for this... You will regret that appeared on the light, took my place, my pedestal!"

with only older children with the younger do not... That just does not get up... that's what the consultation tells adults (I stress — adults and held) people about their relationship with elder brothers and sisters in childhood.

he Fought, was beaten, dragged by the hair, teased, bit, brought, turned, promised and then failed, stolen and vandalized personal belongings, cheated, insulted, ridiculed and offended for nothing, took away the Goodies and toys, had a lock on it in a dark room, frightened, betrayed, hated, not communicated, forgotten one in the swamp or in the basement. In short, ingratitude. Senior did not take the youngest in their games. Junior had to wear their older clothes. They have it as laser engraved in the memory.

Force a senior to prove their case they did not succeed by definition. So they successfully developed the skills of psychological warfare, drawing in the allies of parents, eloquence, imagination, and sometimes deceit and manipulation. And in intuition, sensitivity, insight, charm, and extrasensory abilities younger can definitely give a head start for older children.

in addition, younger has one key advantage. Parents in children's conflicts generally on their side. The younger one gets from parents the maximum amount of love, care and protection. They fall to the share of protection, and older brothers and sisters, especially in relations with outsiders. And that is psychologically important: the protection and patronage from the younger children, no one will be taken away. "All the sweet buns just for me, me and me again!"

So in adulthood, younger children have unique, in my opinion, feature. They are carefree! They sincerely believe that the world is favorable to them. As they are in childhood, searched for and easily found protection from the oppression of older brothers and sisters of the parents, and in adulthood they are absolutely firmly believe that if you ask nicely, all will be settled and resolved by itself, without special efforts on their part.

Their motto: "All will be well!" But it's "good" they have to provide other people. Junior caught out of the air idea for happiness. And all the hard work to achieve this happiness have to do them for others.

Surrounding really often fall under the spell of the "younger children" and thank you for the charming smile offer them help, assistance, support. Younger carefree as a hippie, to them the whole Kingdom brings puss in boots. While the eldest inherited the mill, spend all their life in the sweat of the face, providing stability, and prosperity for younger.

have the usual carefree younger and downside. Business partners or partners in a personal relationship may sooner or later have to pay attention to the fact that younger "wussing out". As in a fairy tale "Teremok" Marshak: "And the Fox is busy with the edge... Her cheat, easier for everyone! Protects your red fur".

the Solution in this situation is simple and complex at the same time. Younger freelancers that is much needed in the professional field flexible work schedule, and personal relationships — a long leash. In any case, it is important to "agree on the beach".

I always recommend to my students the following. If you like people, packlate the Wallpaper throughout the house, go on a hike into the forest for a few days or, even easier, go to vacation together in one machine for a week. You'll know whether to make a carefree younger side. Forewarned is forearmed!

was in my practice a case when the "carefree slacker" of the youngest, who was about to be fired, one call found the right amount of money and saved the company from bankruptcy, because to build the right relationships with the right people, such people know how much better than the other. They have this diplomatic talent in the blood.

Since then this employee has a new nickname: "Golden dollar." He continues to focus on core responsibilities as a hit. But the fact remains. At the right moment useful is his contribution to the common cause.


family counselling Centre "OLVIA" in Moscow

tel 8-905-565-66-55 first consultation via Skype yury2266880 for free!

Yuriy Karpenko
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