- Small, why are you crying?
- I'm not crying, it's okay.
the Little two-and-a-half years and she is crying. Okay so with the howls, she is clearly bad. And after that swallowing tears and trying to remain silent. But do not the age to consciously stop.
it scares Me and upsets. I want to help, want to understand. I know that my daughter at this age still can't understand why tears, but he had learned to answer as if her feelings are not important.
Understand why this is so. Because of her mother's tears, in moments of weakness, too, is not important. Because the daughter asked: "Mom, are you crying?" I answer: "No, it's okay.". And now I understand how wrong that is.
I teach my daughter not to pay attention to the fact that she was ill, and devalue their feelings in front of the child and teach the same show that don't trust her and were deprived of the opportunity to help me, comfort me, and to learn.
When I realized it, I was horrified. Want the child to know - adults not robots, and can also upset; growing up is not ignoring one's own feelings; a daughter can help as I am unable to help her.
And I'm not afraid to trade places with her and become a daughter of her own child. Because it does not make her responsible for his grief or joy. Do not explain that only her "good" or "correct" behavior could to comfort me or prevent my sadness. Do not demand from it decision making and not leaving alone, "leaving" in your own experiences. I'm still a mom. A mom who sometimes feels sad. br>
I Want to give her the right to my help in difficult situations, to teach her how to understand yourself and the reason for their sadness, anger, fear, joy. And can do it in only one way - to be honest to her, not to hide their emotions, name them and tell where they come from.
of Course I remember, that reason is also my responsibility, not my husband, boss, mother, evil uncle on the street or the stupid TV. "We sometimes argue with my dad, it upsets me, but I grieve and feel better.". "This film has a sad moment, I sympathize with the characters and cry with them.". "I'm tired, so can be frustrating sometimes when people need a rest." br>
So whether you can cry in front of the kids? The question is not whether to Express your feelings. . The question is HOW you do it. How long are immersed in the experience, are you able to handle, blame others. Are mom. Are you able to explain to the kid realized he was not the cause of tears and nothing should. br>
If you know how to be sad properly, you can teach it to their children. br>
Always for you, Alena Lavrova,
counselor, SPb, Skype
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