is it Possible to forgive your parents?

( parent-child relations )

"to allow yourself to forgive, you need to accept the fact
that something died. That forgiveness has taken place, something must die.
And you have to grieve about".

excerpt from the book Brehna “Strong Rising”

We all come from childhood. Behind us our sometimes not the easiest belongings of childish and ardeleneste. We wouldn't want to carry it with me all my life, but again and again our wounds ache. Sometimes it can be wounds that we received from our parents. From those people who would have to be our protectors and the source of love. We all have backpacks with different content. Someone passed on a five-day week in kindergarten. Someone thrashed with a belt. Someone used as a tool of their narcissistic feelings. Someone closed and left alone for the whole day. Someone were forced to care for themselves and to run to the store for vodka. And someone was a "scapegoat" in all conflicts between the parents and they were constantly drawn to his side. It is very hard to live with parents who psychologically are still children themselves.

First up we skillfully avoid the memories of the pain of childhood. We deny, rationalize, distract, forget. Because it is so painful to see the truth. One of them may be that we are not satisfied from their parents in childhood the unconditional acceptance and support. And in some cases we were even trampled on her parents: we were beaten, raped, manipulated, abused. Very painful to face and admit. This pain stands between us and parents. Often we try to force ourselves to love them. Because it is so important to believe in your delusion that we had the best and most loving parents. But this is not always the case.

the First thing we can face is with shock and disbelief that we so. Sometimes we may want to scream from the injustice and resentment. We can become itself, it is a pity that we will never live something very important with their parents. In that is permanent (never nobody will know we're young and we don't get a second chance to feast upon the love of parents) do not want to believe. Can be very painful. We can start to try to receive in addition negadanno from still-living parents. Begging and manipulation, making up and pleasing, resenting and accusing. As a rule, it is all in vain. Parents remained the same, and we are already quite large and do not fit on their handles.

And then there is the hope (if we're lucky, and we don't get into a cycle of "earn the love of parents") to get them to angry. Something inside us is screaming that we could not so! We shrink from pain and hatred. We are ready to retaliate. To take revenge for the lost childhood and love. For missing affectionate and receiving hands. For requirements to be best and convenient for parents. After all, we just wanted to be loved. We begin to get angry and indignant... We still believe that all this happened to us..

If we manage to be mad at the parents, then the anger can come the sadness. Sometimes the stage of rejection and anger lasts long enough. Because we tried so hard to love their parents in hopes of getting a reciprocal feeling. We hid his pain. Now is the time anger and aggression. We go to a psychologist, talk with friends, write and burn hate mail to the parents or meet with parents and share their feelings. We live nedorogaya anger from childhood. With a roar of anger we parted with the children's expectations and illusions. We become really painful and intolerable, and we are inside yelling and "tearing their dresses and shirts" helplessness and anger. We scream that with us it was impossible!

If we were able to get angry, then then can come the sadness. Sadness – it is like a cleansing. She, along with quiet tears gently takes our difficult existence. It recognizes our reality and the inability to change something in the past. She admits that it's happened to us and it does not change. We just sad... We can begin to empathize with themselves, and thereby demonstrate to yourself an act of love. Metaphorically, we take ourselves on the handle and cry over our wounds. We share ourselves, take care of yourself, grieve that all of it happened with us..

When we got authorial and took for granted that other parents will not have, we can begin to free ourselves from the burden of childhood. We are aware of our separateness and begin to build a more independent relationship from our parents. Suddenly we can see their humanity and understand their limitations. And if you look even deeper and look into their childhood, we can see such as wounded children. Of course we do not become easier. But understanding and accepting their humanity, we can accept their mistakes and limitations.

stage of adoption are intertwined with the stage of forgiveness. B. and George. Manhood in his book "Osvobojdenie from codependency" write: -"Genuine forgiveness does not deny the truth about your feelings and not reject them. It meets them head on. It is very important that your hatred towards my parents was recognized. This is the way to true forgiveness. When your hatred and anger is fully expressed (not necessarily towards those with whom they are connected), they can be transformed into feelings of sadness and pain due to the fact that you treated so badly. This leads to genuine healing is to truly understand your parents and why they have treated you this way and not otherwise. Only in this case you will begin to experience feelings of empathy and sympathy necessary for real forgiveness. This will give you the opportunity to see them as victims — people who were responsible, but was not guilty. They did everything they could. They need healing in the same way as you..."

Also about forgiveness in his book "the Ghosts around us: in search of deliverance," writes James Hollis: - "of Course, forgive a betrayal is not easy, but the refusal to forgive forever binds us to the traitor. To forgive means to recognize the humanity of the other, to recognize their humanity - only then can we throw off the shackles of the past. When we see a grieving man, what a clear no would be a betrayal before us a man closely connected with his traitor, flushed with anger and hostility..".

And so accepting and forgiving of their parents and a difficult childhood, we finally can make plans for the future. An important step of this stage is the completion of the psychological separation/differentiation from the parents. In order to be successful we need to first learn:

  1. tell parents about their pain and expectations. If they are no longer alive, then the psychologist or loved ones who are willing to listen to us.
  2. to give vent to their anger and disaffection. This can be done through special exercises (for example, to write a letter to parents and burn), the sessions of psychotherapy or directly from parents.
  3. to build with parents respectful relationship with clear boundaries.
  4. to resolve all financial issues and issues with inheritance. To discuss with the parents their duty to write a will (and better presentation).
  5. right to ask the parents what you want.
  6. do not escape from conflicts with their parents. To learn to resolve them and bring them their position.
  7. learn to say "No"
  8. try to understand more about yourself to be able to share their feelings and the feelings of the parents.
  9. to trust yourself and your feelings more. Not to allow themselves to be manipulated by the parents.
  10. realize that it's not Your fault. Yulia Lapina, in his article "get Rid of the effects of a toxic childhood? The word that matters most," writes: -"self-blame, which feels like basic setup of thinking, causes you to be silent and to think that you have some "defect", which, if correct, then everything will work out. The realization that you are not guilty entails the realization that you can't fix the problem on their own – parent (s) need(-us) to work on the problem together."
  11. thank your parents for what they could and were able to give. For this, you can try to make a list of those moments and those things you are thankful for their parents.

If You managed to differentiate from their parents and if You were able to see the same lonely and vulnerable people, like You, perhaps You will be easier to accept his parents with all their faults. You will be easier to accept yourself with all your wounds and scars. Make yourself crippled, but deep down loved. To take ourselves on the handle and jiggle... Pat on the head.. and say "what are you.. I'm with you! Everything will be fine! We can do it!"..

I Guess you can't always forgive:-( what do You think?

related Articles:

1. Andrew Kolosova "She saw the father only once...." - an article about the memories of an elderly mother about his difficult childhood.

2. Julia Lapina "You find an excuse for toxic behaviour of the mother"

3. Julia Lapina "get Rid of the effects of a toxic childhood? The word that matters most"


  1. Brehna "Strong Rising"
  2. James Hollis "the Ghosts around us: in search of deliverance"
  3. B. and George. Manhood "Osvobojdenie from codependency"
  4. I. Mladic "Book for imperfect parents or life on a free theme"

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