the basis of negative life scenarios is a result of three main abilities:

  • ability to close, i.e. the ability to give and receive love;
  • ability to understand the world and people;
  • ability to spontaneity, i.e., by the free and joyful expression of their emotional manifestations.

Today I will talk about the first life script.


In the environment that generates such a scenario, there are some important adults that their words or actions broadcast a message: don't live, don't be close, don't trust, Not a feeling.

Steiner introduces the term "strokes", which means a unit of recognition: I see you, I hear, I admit. In the framework of the scenario "Without love" are deficits in positive strokes, i.e., the free exchange of warmth, gratitude, closeness, understanding:

  1. Not give strokes when you want them with somebody to share. This ban means that people can not freely share expressions of sympathy and love. To form such a ban could in different ways, for example, you can teach a child to what attitude you need only to show case: love mom? If you love, make [the lessons, wash the dishes, bring, delight], and the rest is just words.
  2. do Not ask when in need. Parent broadcasts that he will determine when to recognize the needs of your child and when not to. Adult don't cry. Willpower you need to bring, otherwise will not understand that. You can ask for. Who is asking? Of course, the beggar. And it is indecent.
  3. do Not take recognition, warmth and love, when really want to accept. It should be modest. "Yes, I really look good today" and "Oh, they gave me close not seen."
  4. don't from the feedback that you don't need or don't like. Don't want to hear a comparison about their weaknesses, reproaches, comparison, criticism? Is there any way to raise a normal child? The main principle: "If I will not tell you, and then someone else made the remark — will be a shame for the whole family, so better listen to me."
  5. don't let yourself warmth, love and acceptance. Give yourself support and recognize their strengths is bragging, conceit, selfishness, vanity, pride... the most Intelligent, Yes. It should be modest. Modest.

People who have such internal taboos are easier to manipulate; they are accustomed to think of others, to "be good" and to be able to please; they are more likely to engage in co-dependent and unequal relationship, hoping to get at least some warmth and attention, and depressive tendencies have become a frequent visitor.

In the next post I will talk about real-life scenarios "Without reason" and how it is formed.

(approx.) Claude Steiner is a student and colleague of Eric Berne, founder of Transactional Analysis, one of the founders of the school of transactional analysis in psychotherapy.

do you have any bans on free exchange of warmth and support?
How do you learn to overcome them?

Olga Kosheleva
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