In couples therapy partners learn to listen to each other – that is, to understand what another interprets it to respond correctly to each other – that is, as adults people who want another good, to feel each other – that is, to develop the capacity for empathy or maybe full penetration into the emotional world of the other (i.e. – co-feeling). And two wonderful, thoughtful and loving person go the right way, mastering these skills… But first they need to try not to kill each other.
Therefore, in addition to the basics of depth of communication, the couple should learn how elementary to prevent conflicts. I summarized and commented on five techniques deactivate ready to break out of the argument found in the literature on couple therapy.
1) to Recognize “charged” speech, intonation, pauses, facial expressions, eyes, facial expressions, movements, etc.
we Usually are not in conflict with tin eyes and wooden voices (rather, it is about the national cinema), and the first to notice lightning coming battle partners, already familiar for some time with each other, usually not difficult. You can stop at this stage. But there must be a preliminary agreement “on the shore” that one who has noticed these flashes of close lightning storm, correctly points to each other, and he correctly on this indication reacts. Like: “Honey, you look at me again this long strange unblinking eyes! – isn't he cute? Thank you!" (blinking).
2) Stay in the moment, when we realize that careless statement can cause sudden quarrel, and create “a space of peace”.
Ah, that sweet feeling reckless rage and reckless abuse! Ah, the endearing and enthralling you in a mighty stream of hatred! Ah, it's fun to hit where it hurts – the biting word, or a reminder, or an insult… But we are usually still able to feel the point at which ready to lose control, and we can stop at the edge of the abyss, looking into the sky, its blue and calm. Clearly understanding – one more step means the nature of the quarrel. Need to step back and look at the sky (literally), or water, or flowers, or mountains, anything that carries the stamp of eternity and calmness bordering on indifference (well, some mountains to us?).
3) Do some rhythmic breathing exercises to help overcome the destructive activation of the schema.
the Most simple and very effective exercise – breathe diaphragmatically nose for four beats, 5-6 – pause (breath holding), out through the mouth for four beats, as well diaphragmatically. As many rounds as required. The brain – is extremely naive and trusting, if he hears that the medium is breathing quietly, it inevitably concludes that nothing dramatic is happening, therefore, the hormonal makeup of our Holy hatred for your loved one can be covered. It is sustained – no conflict. Ask any illegal armed formation.
4) the position of employment ‘inner observer” (for their own emotions and thoughts) that allows you to switch child from a dysfunctional mode to a healthy adult.
you can't be curious and angry/ scared/ annoyed/ sad, etc. at the same time. Cognitive processes – and this is "internal monitor” – require brain energy, the same hormonal makeup. But the brain two things simultaneously energizes – you said, let's either crazy, or acknowledge. What, you know? Shutting off the tap to anger, then! Or Vice versa. But better – as it is written. The child is not able to, it is, in this sense, it is authentic. As the corresponding modes – hurt, wounded, frightened, lonely, impulsive, angry child. They communicate among themselves and, when two deliriously fighting. Internal monitoring can only adult, his confidence and need to educate and nurture, because to grow up – is correct.
5) to Move in space, if you feel that the conflict is immediate for its ‘grapes of wrath” over your heads.
Literally – to get out of the chair and look down upon what is happening. Or to move to another corner, and look at what was happening. Or stretch out on the floor (in the eyes of crazed partner) to look at what is happening below. Any spatial movement changes the point of view – first literally and then – figuratively, as it provides the possibility of emotional distancing, that is, more sound judgment about what is happening.
And then, like two wonderful, thoughtful and loving person learn to listen, react and feel.