the


the Difficult times and conflicts in a pair are on different occasions and at different stages of life.
Main the theme, sooner or later, no matter what the subject matter of the dispute is the struggle for control and power.  Controlling behavior in a pair of  used  to exert influence on partner to regulate his actions guide, and also in order to resist the control of the partner or to avoid it. All this allows to meet the specific needs in achieving specific results, feel more relaxed.
Control is the expression and exercise of power. If people feel in control of yourself and your life, then it gives him strength. But control in relationships is somewhat different. the
Children already at the age of 3-4 years at the elementary level  able to understand the needs of the other, begin to regulate the expression of their own desires and needs to be controlled. In our society many parents and couples resort to not Mature ways of self-affirmation and control at the expense of the children and each other. Perhaps these abilities are acquired in childhood, because parents do not exhibit the desired behavior model. Partners demonstrate  the model of behavior in early childhood, and their love relationship develop on the type of "parent-child".
paired control can be functional until it promotes growth and allows them to feel loved and to love. Open and Mature forms of control, such as persuasion and influence with the help of suggestions and requests, rational arguments, the offer of support and services needed in the relationship. Immature and dysfunctional attempts at control arise from the hopelessness and feelings of inner helplessness. And desire to acquire and show their strength, power, superiority and competence in the relationship. According to the analytical psychotherapist Carl Jung, where there is power, there remains a place for love. If one or both partners desire personal power is stronger than the need for an equal relationship, control becomes the main background in the pair. Sometimes the desire to control the partner associated with fear of losing control of oneself or fear of being controlled. It can also reflect anger, when you feel that you don't care about him. Excessive need to partner to take responsibility, it is usually because a person is afraid to take responsibility and not stand it.
how the partners deal with intrapersonal and interpersonal aspects of control in their relations, is of great importance for their well-being. Often in pairs a certain pattern of behavior: one controls and the other resists. Although anger and frustration  from one or both of the spouses accumulated over the years, it is difficult to get out of the loop. This interaction is reminiscent of  child-parent power struggle. And as long as the partners will not be able to develop a true balance of power, that does not change. Achieving this balance is not automatic and relaxed. Conflicts and disputes are sometimes necessary to clarify and understand the needs of each in dominance or submission, and the related fears. This requires no little time and patience. And this is complicated by the fact that each partner carries the legacy of the struggle for power from his childhood. If still manage to achieve a balance in this matter, it is not difficult to agree on certain controls or, if necessary, to take power into their own hands, change roles depending on the circumstances, without experiencing anxiety, anger or helplessness. Important here is the ability to cooperate and an opportunity to discuss areas of control depending on the abilities and interests of each.
for Example, one earns money, the other does the housework, the responsibility for raising children rests on both. If something changes in my life, a couple can be flexible and agree to assign responsibilities differently. Ideally, such agreements can vary depending on situations. The main thing is mutual  acceptance, understanding, a chance to see, to be able to listen and hear, to discuss and to take power and control or to give his partner.

 Psychologist Karpova Love. 


2019-06-15
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