a lot is said about the fact that you have to love yourself without loving yourself it is impossible to love others and generally to enjoy life.
All this is so. But how do you know whether you have love for myself or for her you are taking are completely different and not very positive qualities?

From my experience I see that all that people usually understand "love yourself" can be divided into 3 States:

true, healthy love for myself, the hurt of "love" to yourself, and selfishness.

✴on!!!How to manifest a true, healthy love for yourself?

- you have a positive attitude, you consider yourself a decent and good person, regardless of their successes or failures in life, criticism or praise from other people.

- you care about yourself – about your health, safety, emotional and physical well-being, i.e. you know how to take care of my needs (and not at the expense of other people).

- you are not doing those things that harm you or destroy you, don't choose something that will ruin your life, or brings suffering.

- you know how to say no to people, caring about their interests and needs.

- you allow yourself to make mistakes. So you have no blame, self-flagellation and excessive criticality to yourself, you do not blame yourself for any mistake.

- you know how to give love and receive it, to be sincere in dealing with people, able to trust loved ones.

❤this Is status of open and harmonious heart.

a Healthy love of self is unconditional.
This means that you do not doubt that you are worthy of love. You are able to love yourself just for what you are, for what you one of the creations of God. Not for what you in this moment or what are your current results in life.

❤ it's amazing But there is another "love" to yourself is injured love, as "a WOUNDED HEART". the
Heart partially closed, but still wants to love, but hurt and scared.

most Often due to childhood injuries the man received a painful experience that destroys the feeling of unconditional love. And there are other – maybe I'm not worthy of love?
maybe I'm not good enough?
makes me impossible to love?

And then, we will try to prove to themselves and others that he is worthy of love, will try to earn it or "squeeze" by any acceptable means. That is, to compensate for its lack in himself at the expense of other people, especially loved ones.

It's like constantly unremitting thirst. How much love people have not yet received later from other people, he will not be able to quench that thirst for love, while "sucking chest wound" is still alive.

✴ on!!! How to manifest a state of "wounded hearts"?✴on!!!

- you constantly criticize, berate or punish yourself for every slip or mistake, punish harshly for failure.

- you focus on their flaws and virtues can hardly see.

- you constantly suffer from its imperfection and always try to eliminate or hide painful perfectionism.

- you care more about the needs of others before your own.

- you are in a relationship in which you suffer (with people who you destroy, hurt, dislike and bad).

- do you have habits that are destroying you or you are often doing the thing that makes you feel bad.

- you can't tolerate any criticism, and it permanently ruins your mood and attitude.

- you often feel that other people are better than you.

- to love others not, to get close to people scared.
But it could be the other extreme, an exaggerated love and affection, often to the man who does not love in return. The heart that closes tightly, is revealed to one person too quickly and too deeply. There is no balance and harmony. It gives too much love, too little.

the more of these manifestations, the deeper the "wound" in the heart.

only if you remove the pain, the heart opens again and he will be able to love yourself and then to give and receive love.
In my work I call this "deep healing."

❤ this is the third condition – the CLOSED HEART.

It is SELFISHNESS.
Selfishness is too often confused with love of self.

it Seems that the selfish person loves himself even more than usual. But with the wonderful creative feeling of love there is little in common – although taking care of yourself there are even very strong. This "as if" the love of self, and in fact selfish, very destructive not only affects the person but all the people around them.

✴ this closed heart does not allow humans to experience love, compassion, to build sincere relationships. the
Selfish doesn'T KNOW what love is, NOT ABLE to feel and see in others, for it is unnatural that feeling.

He is indifferent to the feelings of others, even to their suffering. In the extreme is the complete insensitivity and in history many examples of such personalities.

In the more typical selfish distinguishes the "their" people to be treated better and even to feel some warm emotions, but still in most situations it will be careless with the feelings of others and cause them a lot of pain. People are selfish need to satisfy HIS needs.

Such as closed heart and insensibility leads to the fact that the selfish person cares about themselves and their interests at the expense of other people, can manipulate people or frankly to use. the
Selfish and will ALWAYS put himself at the head of the corner, ignoring the feelings and needs of others. To put yourself in the other person, it can not and does not consider it necessary - "every man for himself."

❤ it's amazing to Open the heart of a selfish man is not often possible. Even those closest to genuinely loving people are not always able to reveal the heart of this man. To break down that wall is very difficult and it takes a lot of time, patience and love. the
most Often, this life itself gives him such a situation, in which his heart can Wake up and at least something to feel – usually through suffering.

✴ I First passed through the stage of "the wounded heart", through the pain, to learn to understand the feelings of others, to learn compassion, and then love.

But to feel and open heart they don't want, so they will resist. Why? Because to feel is hurt and scared, and their heart is closed not just.

But that's another story.
If you are interested, we'll talk about this topic separately.

✴ on!!! each person can be all three States, but in what proportions - it depends only on himself.
If inside a lot of selfishness and wounded parts, can such a man to build a harmonious relationship? The answer is obvious.

❤ this is the only way out is to open your heart, heal it, learn to love yourself, develop love, and then to give and receive!

Email if you are interested in the continuation of this theme, and what issues to cover in more detail.

With love ❤this

Olga Dzyuba,

psychologist, coach on personal development,
author of "World of Self-development"