Emotional intelligence.
the Last few years the topic of emotional intelligence has become extremely popular. Things that ten years ago almost nobody heard of and thought was strongly discussed in popular journals and under various “dips” to go to professional trainings and trainings of personal growth. As one of the main problems of the failure of man in his career ,and just in social interaction began to indicate the underdevelopment of emotional intelligence. It turned out that people with good or even high intelligence may not necessarily be successful in life and on the contrary, often poorly socialized, not understood and not appreciated.
Let's see what is the‘emotional intelligence”
Wikipedia says it is a person's ability to recognize emotions, to understand the intentions, motivations and desires of other people and your own as well as the ability to manage your emotions and emotions of others in order to solve practical problems.
Still use the term “social intelligence”, because this intelligence is aimed at solving problems of communication with society.
don't underestimate these problems: man as a social being develops and grows, only speaking and interacting with society. Widely known and investigated the consequences for child development of the absence of this interaction, for example, the Syndrome of hospitalism — syndrome pathology a child's mental and personal development — a result of early separation of infant from mother. Hospitalism may occur not only in children's homes, but also in families maloemotsionalny, cold mothers, don't pay the child the required attention.
the Good news is that emotional intelligence refers to “flexible skills" of t e to the activity generated by repeating and bringing to automatism, and that means it can be learned. Such cross-professional skills responsible for the successful participation in the working process, high performance are through, that is not related to a specific subject area.
the Bad news is that the ability to recognize emotions and feelings, name them ,and then to understand their true desires and other people's desires formed in childhood, and the child, as a rule, “explain” what emotions and feelings are necessary and valid test in a given society or family . Become aware of the emotions, the child begins under the influence of caregivers and the environment. the parents teach the child to share feelings and action, allowing the first and denying the second. (Feelings are permitted, actions are prohibited). Child to learn to recognize feelings and Express them through facial expressions and gestures to perform certain actions, in accordance with the experienced emotions, the real (authentic) feelings are suppressed by the child in the development process, because they do not belong to the category of permissible (allowed) feelings or sensations. In early childhood action and expression in the expression of feelings occurs before awareness. From here there are different "antisocial" of the “bad” according to adults actions (a small child can crack another child to scream too loudly, sing in the voice when everyone is sleeping, and so forth)
Parents “train” of the child what feelings are acceptable and which are not in different ways:
- In communication.
If the parent himself is not aware of his feelings, he cannot properly explain to the child that indicate his feelings.
like a child make trouble, naughty in the subway because he's hot (he's angry, that too warmly dressed), and his mother said to him "you're just tired” or “are you hungry" and, at a certain frequency of such repetitions child ,and then adult a person starts any irritation or stress to explain fatigue or hunger, displacing the true cause of your stress or irritation and from “seizing" their problems. Many people confuse in the future “angry” and “tired”
Baby is crying, that hurt him, and he said “real men don't cry" of the baby makes noise, shouts of joy, he said that “only a crazy person yelling" hanging thus attribute to certain emotions and replacing them with, for example, a sense of shame.
Parents, not knowing, not knowing, fearing their feelings make up stories for child: for example, in a family someone died, a child is told that this man was asleep - the conclusion of the child: “it is not necessary to sleep, and then wakes up”
the result is as in my favorite joke: «Mom calls son playing in the yard of the home, and he asks: “mom, I'm cold or hungry?”
2.Through the model behaviour.
the child is watching the behavior of adults and what they say, what praise or criticize. For example mom, quarreled with the Pope can ask for help to child: "go tell your dad so he didn't scream/don't drink/spent the night at home”. For a child it is a signal that a mother is weak, it can not solve your problem, you should solve them. It is still small, he did not understand why they fight, it just feels big and strong parental figures not as powerful as he thought and they can't protect him. It "assumes" the excessive burden of responsibility for what is happening in the family and then experiencing guilt if the family scandal, divorce and so forth (he couldn't decide)
Parents invite guests into the house, and then, when the guests left, complaining that he spent time to discuss and condemn the guests. The child already understands: the guests — is that bad? okay? How to behave with them, the parents were happy? And to him as a treat?
When the child begins to try to understand ourselves it is important for sensations, emotions and feelings, it is important not to limit the sensory impact and to create a certain environment in which the child can feel ‘palette" of the senses: Soft, warm, nice, comfortable; a cold, hard, sharp, unpleasant, uncomfortable. Joy, pleasure, delight, sadness, anger, fear, etc Parents are struggling to protect the child: "don't get hit”, “do not touch it will be bad”, “do not go there”, “sit down”
Inauthentic emotions, embodied in the child (learnt feelings) experienced by a person and, further, are particularly in stressful situations, promoting not only the solution, but understanding of the problem.
an Adult it is important to develop the thought process to understand your feelings, analyze them, to be able to “work” with them, otherwise feelings without awareness turn into action (and we're talking about the bizarre antisocial acts, delinquency). For example, one motorist “cut” at the traffic lights the other first and takes a bat and starts smashing the car “offender” (long repressed and displaced anger). This reaction according to General concepts does not correspond to the degree of “resentment”.
Inability to control emotions leads to inefficient communication that we see very often when people cannot understand each other, to negotiate, and indeed, the estimated each other behave “inappropriately”.
the Verbalization of emotions necessary to manage them, if emotions are not verbalized, there is no process of thinking between feelings and actions, they are “revenge” through destructive behavior: Acting out (acting out in out)- the same aggressive behavior and all kinds of inadequate response and in acting (acting out inside), the latter is associated with the direction of emotions on himself. Example: autoaggression. Emotions are also closely connected bodily (somatic) reactions, so we often talk about psychosomatics, when unexpressed and/or unconscious feelings make themselves known through the reactions of the body (disease).
it is Very important from childhood to teach a child to recognize their true emotions, to learn to name them correctly and send them, in a constructive manner. In the future, the child will learn to appropriately identify and analyze the feelings and actions of others. for Adults you can develop the flexible skills that are an important success factor.
Steps to emotional literacy:
- Contracts for cooperation (no depreciation, power games, specialista and persecution.)
- opening the heart: to know whether the person is willing to hear what you want to say, not "think out" for him. Control the negativity in your head, try to emphasize the positive in the actions of others and praise him for it
- to Build a map of the emotions of his condition and another person.
- Approval of actions feelings: when you do X, I feel y, and I think Z.
- the Appearance of our intuitive guesses
- Accept responsibility for errors.
- Asking for forgiveness, to give or withhold.
