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“I want to succeed in your business, but something bothers me... Like what I want is not achievable for me" - this phrase was heard from the client in one session. And in principle something like that I hear quite often.
 
You certainly know that ideal people do not happen. The perfect partner does not happen, no mens or women. And also there are no ideal parents. Although, of course, so I want them to be for their children. Sometimes in the pursuit of perfection, do not see the opposite side of the coin. And still not see what motivates this desire. Ask the question: “what?”. Read to the end, there are answers.
 
“he is a Bad pupil who has not surpassed the teacher», - once said by Leonardo da Vinci. What you hear in this quote, if you pass it on to your experience of parenting?
 
In the parent theme there is always a touch of power. The parent is older, more experienced, wiser, lived for many years. And the child is born as a blank slate. He does not know and does not know anything. Nature has planned everything organically: affection, care, hormones. Only there are factors that will still shoot at one time or another from each parent. And the name of these factors - the humanity and personal history. This inner pain, fears, insecurities, trauma, understanding of the rules, which were formed in my family and other things that we have experienced in the experience and carry into their parenting. 
 
Sometimes, a parent puts on a crown. A sparkling one. Gold. With multi-colored stones. And this crown is issued for themselves, for the omniscience, the omnipotence, the wisdom is immense. And on the inside engraved: “Best”
 
It is very sad. Because with the kind of parent the child has little chance to be successful. There is always someone to whom never make it. Who will never outgrow.
 
And the subject of the authorities immediately hovers somewhere under the crown. If a parent is trying hard to be the best, covering their internal injuries, he does not give the child to see the reality. To understand that there is not only strength, but weakness. Not only wisdom, but folly.
 
Imagine yourself small. You draw the picture, try sticking from the tongue of zeal. You really want to show mom how cool you get. What did you learn to draw a house in which you live and your favorite cat. Finish the drawing and run skipping into the kitchen, where my mother talking with a friend and drinking tea with sweets. Waiting for a pause in their conversation, you touch the mother's hand and with a sinking heart, handing her a sheet with a picture. Your eyes are burning from waiting for praise. She glanced at him and said: “Nice. You're doing great. But here the house look rugged. And what's that? Cat? Hmm… do Not know. All run, do not bother…”. And boom! The magic was over.
 
And okay, if it's a one-time event. It happens. Mother also person - has the right.
But if it all the time: “well done, but...”, “cool, but not really...», - then growing up a child will feel that he constantly falls short. It will grow inside of the harsh criticism will devalue his achievement. 
 
Another example: when the parent is the crown on the head - he can feign omniscience. To demonstrate the unattainability of the height at which it sits... And you know how this happens? Very simply, that such seemingly innocuous phrases: “Grow up you know!”
“Live to be my age you'll understand!”
“Here you will have your children - then MAYBE you will feel what I'm feeling now I!”
 
I'm Sure inside you is born understanding, that are in the soul of the child these phrases. Have guessed? True. Unattainable...
 
And she's such a cliche, but this inaccessibility. Just something that the child was born not at the same time with his parent. And of course, the second more of years, and therefore experience.
 
Roughly the same thing happens between brothers and sisters. Physically there is one who was born early.
Remember the favorite phrase older children: “Younger stronger love, and always gets the elders!”
Partly Yes. But in defense of younger say that they also gets. The fate that on the sidelines. Learned to crawl and see how brother already goes. You went, and that already runs. Learned to run, and there is dancing. You're in the garden with the kids, and the oldest already went to school. And since almost everything until a certain age. But for the first few years of life, when forming an understanding of the rules is enough to create: “I second, I always need to reach”. On the one hand creates a sense of purpose, with the other extinguished the unattainable.
 
In the case of siblings (brothers/sisters) is not as critical as in the case of parent. Because children are on equal ground. As with the parent - well, can not be equality.
 
Strong, all-knowing, the image of a significant adult that is over many years - provides a feeling of inferiority. Add to this the “the ban on the manifestation itself,” and you have a ready person that will be difficult to succeed.
 
If it was in your childhood is to blame the parent is not particularly what. For it is pain, trauma. This is a huge gap inside that does not rely on that. This fear and uncertainty. Which is very sad... it is Important to see it. Not a crown, not a performance, not a symptom... And what's underneath it. If your parents behaved with you so it is hard, Yes. And in the eyes can cause tears. But to blame them than not. They could have raised you. And love... As best they could.
 
If you are reading this text, you have somewhere rang a bell and thought for a moment in the reflection that flashed crown… Hope this little awareness can turn into something more. And trust myself, based on the understanding that you are doing something wrong, you can start the path to change...
 
that's why I always say that need to educate themselves, and then the child. Requirements be presented to him. To study THEIR behavior and analyze. To cultivate responsibility, starting with YOURSELF. 
 
of Course, much easier to bring the child to the psychologist and say: “Do something!”. Like, I have nothing to do with it. It's this… freak.
 
what I write in this post - it's called maturity and maturity. Yes, growing up is hard. Grow yourself a little on their own, relying not on their parents, and in itself is painful. Only if this is not done, the concept of a parent's life goes to the child. And he will have to grow itself twice.
 
it is Always possible to remove the crown, put them on a shelf let it gather dust, it's not scary. Afraid to live and to raise children of their own children's position.
 
to Raise a child should be in reality. Where there are many things you may not know. Honestly to admit and offer a solution: “I don't know baby. Come together in a book read/online view”. You will learn to look for different ways! This is far more valuable than the finished fish in a bucket.
 
achievable to Generate important parent figure. Yes, I'm older and more experienced. And can you tell us about your experience to share. But that doesn't mean I'm BETTER than you. Just live a little longer. 
 
you need to Strive sincerely, to ensure that the kid have outgrown. Because, from the teacher much depends on whether his disciple to surpass.
 
What you said inside, reading this text? Maybe hurt something in particular?


2019-09-06
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