Good day, friends! When Irina Ryzhenko – clinical psychologist, psychotherapist, candidate of psychological Sciences.
Today I want to talk about mistakes parents with narcissistic dynamics in the education of their children. Errors I call such parenting strategies that have long-term consequences in later life. I have identified seven strategies. They are described in the book "the Seven deadly sins of parenting: the main errors of education, which may affect the future life of the child."
These parenting strategies are not something unusual in our culture. On the contrary, in many, even socially advantaged families, they are the norm. This fact prompted me to write a book. Because every error is the destiny of man!
Child like a scapegoat
Narcissistic parents can not bear in itself any flaws. Screen for projections of the parent may become child. All the flaws placed in it. The little man are attributed to laziness, untidiness, stubbornness and the list goes on.
Parents may be divorced, and, for example, the mother hates her ex-husband. Because it is not near, all his anger she takes out on his son: "You're just like your father! The same stupid". first here is the sound comparison, which is a psychological trauma for the child, plus the placement in the child negative qualities that the mother in itself does not accept.
Anger at any of the family members may not speak, but "to hover in the air." a family is a system, in which everything is interconnected. A child can get this anger out and Express in the case of the objectionable family member. For example, a woman hates her mother-in-law. The child feels it, and when the grandmother comes, he starts shouting at her.
lack of faith in your child
Deep inside narcissistic personality have a very low self-esteem and do not believe that they are good. It is this unbelief, they are projecting their child. On principle – I'm an insignificant person nothing good could not give birth. It certainly is not recognized.
That child would do, instead of support will receive unbelief, depreciation or criticism. the Child may withdraw into themselves or to rely on other adults, such as on the opinions of a favorite teacher. Then it can have a positive outcome for the child.
the Child can every time to refer to the parent in the hope to beat the negative scenario. In the hope that "this time I will surprise and delight". But no, it's not about the baby. To play the negative scenario does not work. Child every time is fired on the unbelief of the parent and thinks something is wrong.
In narcissistic families thriving psychological violence, one of which is the abuse of parental authority.
Parents have unlimited authority over the children. Only the choice of the parent depends transformirovalsya whether this power is in the care, respect, responsibility for the child's life or to feed the vain ego of the parent helplessness and humiliation of the child.
These parents intrudes in the lives of their young and adult children, believing that they have every right to. For example, you may enter without knocking into the room to the newlyweds, check the bag of a teenager, to read the correspondence in social networks.
normal For them to tell the children what UNIVERSITY to study, whom to be friends/not friends, to marry. They even before the birth of the child decided what clubs the child will attend and what kind of success you will achieve. The guiding principle in this family "Mother knows best". Child is seen as a continuation of the parent as a narcissistic extension.
Neglect. The child is not recognized as an individual
Such a child, as a rule, few are listening. "Shut up, don't you see I'm busy", ' he hears. It's like he has no right to Express yourself. As if he was not given the right to exist. In the future it will be done right various neurotic ways or losing hope, will drown their pain in different types of impulsive behavior.
This is a compulsive behavior, with which man cannot cope. For example, alcoholism, overeating. This behavior helps to relieve the growing anxiety, which is poorly understood by the individual.
the Needs of the child neglect: "you never know what you want!" Becoming for adults, the man realizes that his needs are not important. And finds a partner, needs which puts to the fore.
Adoption of the child only with good quality
In narcissistic families is no place for unconditional love. The child needs to be useful, to perform a critical function (for example, to be the pride of the family), or service the parent ego. It is not perceived entirely as a normal imperfect human child who needs help to learn this world.
No! A child must be infinitely appropriate parental expectations. He can't make mistakes! It needs from birth to know, be able to listen and behave. Parents with narcissistic character constantly evaluate and criticize their children. Children grow up insecure and constantly waiting for assessment and recognition of their merits.
these are the typical errors happen in narcissistic families. A few years ago held a master class on this topic. It can be found in the record. I would be glad if it will be useful to you.
sincerely, Irina Ryzhenko