Came to me recently. Let's call her Tanya. Her question about his parents. Why every time when talking, the father or mother of her reproach. For the lack of men, then unchecked the room, or something like that.
I asked Tanya how these pangs look like? It turned out that the questions themselves on this subject are perceived as hitting.
well, this is a common error of perception.
the Second example. My husband wants to do repairs in the second apartment, which is scheduled for delivery, but which day does not work, then shipping the materials have to come, you need to look, what to change or repair the house. Of course, he is displeased and annoyed. br>
Yesterday we went on business and I suggested to him after the afternoon meet and have dinner together. He took it, as my desire to push the repair even further. And, of course, become irritated.
And the last example. I ask the oldest daughter to help with her younger sister. She asks in great detail, exactly what and at what exact time it needs to do. How much to feed and how long to wash, do I need to give meds, what to read and what room to put her to sleep. I take it as a daughter's wish to show how difficult it is to fulfill my request, and to refuse its execution.
I Think, on an intuitive level it is clear that this perception. It is composed of two parts - receiving and processing information.
There is a stimulus: something seen, heard, remembered, felt, planned. That is, something happened in reality or inside of you, which started the process of perception. Reception - the received signal enters the brain and is read. This is the first part of perception. br>
Then the fun begins.
After you start processing the information received and assign it a certain relationship. How we treat the "stimulus"? Relying on the experience, knowledge and familiar way of thinking. For example, here's the situation: mother asks how things on the personal front. br>
depending on past experience, real situations, underlying beliefs, and other factors, this issue is evaluated differently in different people. br>
Past experience: a good relationship with the mother or not, trusting or distant, critical mother or the host, if she asked similar questions, diverse answers you gave. What kind of relationship with men was before, a lot, long if successful, have ended. Have you discussed with the mother of your men before, as it happened. br>
Then affects the perception of the real situation. What's your mood right now, tired or not, do you have at the moment, the relationship, what stage they're at, are you satisfied with how you are experiencing due to the lack of relations (if they are not). Is currently physically someone close to you: friend, brother, dad, strangers, colleagues, what is your relationship with this person /people. Where this question caught you. In a public place, in the car, at a party, at home. br>
this has a big impact on how the stimulus is processed? Your deep-seated beliefs. Depending on what you think about yourself, your ascribe meaning to the question. You believe in yourself and your attractiveness, or Vice versa, doubt their capabilities on the personal front. Afraid of relationships, consider them to be difficult or unimportant. Ashamed in front of strangers, you have something to hide or you can be open, how a relationship is necessary in your presentation. Ashamed to be one, whether honorable, etc.
this is only a small part of the whole that affects the treatment result. As a huge number of filters superimposed on the spotlight and highlight the event. In the end, he inevitably is seen in a distorted light. And this happens automatically and with incredible speed. br>
Why the error? After all, we can "get" to perceive the question "correctly". To hear the message, which was he founded.
Let's consider a mistake that cannot be verified. That is, if you have the ability and desire to ask my mom what the meaning of it invested in the question, if you do it quietly enough that her perception is not distorted incentive received from you, if self-reflection mom developed enough to enable it to perform its own motives, then you will know the truth.
In other cases we can only guess. Oh, what to do? you ask.
Study the output process of perception on a conscious level. To imagine other possible ways and choose the one that will not start unpleasant emotions. Let's talk about this next time.
Always for you, Alena Lavrova,
the counseling Psychologist, SPb, Skype