the Myth "We are a lovely family. We never fight".
Sometimes families are afraid of quarrels. And if they happen, the fact that the quarrel is alarming, frightening, it can hide, maintaining the image of the "friendly" conflict-free family. If quarrel, then I think that there is anything wrong: "My parents never fought. Divorced, but fights I don't remember." Ignoring the situation in which a conflict arose, the family holds the solution to the problem, increasing the tension and discontent within a family system.
the fact of the conflict or fights (as often referred to as clients) only reflects the need to address the situation of a "clash" of opposing needs and provide something moderately acceptable for this family. And one can hardly say, happy or not people in this family.
Conflicts klassificeret as constructive and destructive. Constructive conflict in the family takes place in mutual respect for the other, helps to adapt to live close to different people from different family systems, consider each other and learn something new. In destructive marital conflict, unfortunately, has no respect and he has the destructive effect. It is a sense of loss instead of gain, feelings of insecurity, shame, guilt, etc. After such conflicts, families often destroyed.
Conflict and crisis - the concept of theoretically similar and describe roughly the same processes - the growing discontent, the clash of needs, confrontation, defending their own opinions and their own values. This kind of "fork", the possibility of change, a clash of interests. On the subject of conflicts and crises, there are many studies looking at them from different points of view.
Family as the system changes, and conflicts accompany the transition from the current state to the next. This so-called regulatory crises. Divided family life into stages or periods. They approximately describe the processes. In reality, modern families have many options. Describing the stages, I understand that this is a very average vision, and the need to try on a specific family, as amended. I'm sure that readers will understand.
now, the family just created. It is the stage for the adoption of rules that are acceptable to husband and wife, as well as coordinating their visions of these roles. Moreover, the couple often face difficulties arising from the strong commitment of partners to their parental families and the desire of parents to participate in the creation of a new family. In the options of remarriage, there will be difficulties with the adoption of children the appearance of another parent. And conflict: where to live, how to cook, how often to see relatives, a number of meetings with friends, etc. - is inevitable. I am reminded of the old Soviet film, 1977's "family circumstances", where the humor shows the complexity of cohabitation of several generations. In the first series there were many episodes about the adaptation of a young family living in the apartment with the mother of his wife.
In the family a child is born. Another obvious reason for the voltage rise and the appearance of a situation of "collision" needs. For women, the husband retreats to second place. Babies require a lot of attention and energy for her husband is not enough. This can be added differences with the parent families, in dealing with the baby. Senior parents - experience and new - the desire of the new and Internet. A man becomes a father and the female mother. New role brings new responsibilities and new rules. It's difficult to imagine that period without the clarification of "how best to dress your baby for a walk" and "whether to give your baby a pacifier", "what are the cartoons you can watch baby" and "when to start to teach a child to potty".
the Next stage is the appearance of a second child. The distance between husband and wife increases. The burden on young parents increases, meeting with friends becomes less, and visits to the children's clinic anymore. And the children are noisy and fight. Having sex, you can suddenly remember the tooth from a baby, or that I forgot to add oil to the engine. Very intense and chaotic time! "That's not what I imagined my life?" "And no sooner did I get married?" A lot of contradictions and reasons for finding-out of mutual claims!
somewhere in these two steps solved the problem of the choice of kindergarten and school. The child "goes into society", that is, what he taught the parents. Also a good test to pass an exam on the topic "if I was a Competent parent?"
"Your child cannot tie the laces!" "I don't understand what your child says!", - I hear sometimes parents are embarrassed. And remember the time that the shoes the child in the pocket, and that he somehow understand the words of the child and that, in principle, the case of educators in the garden and teachers in the school to teach. The Internet is full of jokes on the topic of parenthood. I like these "Early meetings in the school afraid of children, and now parents." "21-00. This is the time when children tell the parents that school tomorrow need to bring crafts, a cake for tea, and a report on the marine fishes with pictures".
the Next stage. Children grow up and have a teenager and it's more difficult to talk. Parents is not easy to take it growing up it is not easy to start saying "equal", difficult to give up power. "He doesn't understand anything in this life. And the world is dangerous!" And he wants to dress up as classmates, make a fashionable haircut, often resulting in a rage the father and mother. And the main issues associated with educating children: "Only the eyes stopped twitching, and on the 1st of September." At this stage, there is a bright crisis, if the previous did not finish and have not decided how to deal with your own feelings and needs. And domestic issues? How not to break if you are tired at work and needed to go to the store for groceries, and cook dinner, and then homework to test the son-daughter (or together)?
"Some grievances are not forgotten, with time, they fade into the background, but the pain remains," says Katie in the film "the Story of us" 1999. The picture shows the spouses on the verge of divorce, heroes Bruce Willis and Michelle Pfeiffer remember how gradually accumulated problems led to the crisis and review relations.
Another stage in the life of a family when the child leaves her. This is preceded by a choice of school, worrying about exams, sighs, and lamentations: "In our time it was easier." And that's "nest" was empty. Suddenly it became apparent that next to the wrong person when I decided to start a family. And it is not immediately clear why this was not noticed right away, and how to deal with it. And he makes such claims - "do not sit, do not whistle". To understand how to proceed, we need to agree on new rules and regulations. And, as if to meet again with her husband, with whom she lived about 20 years. Here without conflict? How to prove that you have your own opinion, because children never had a career, but could...
Experts generally assess the family system as a viable. And there are families who find ways to cope in crisis situations. But there are families who are not able to withstand even a weak test. The high divorce rate is proof of this.
to Look for answers to the questions: Why can't we interfere constructively? What "sick" our family? How to overcome the next crisis? - together with a family psychologist.