Example, the girl always with family problems parent family acts as a judge. And it really bothers her because she loves parents, each of them dad and mom for her road. But in any quarrel or family Noah disaster the message in her address: "Now look what happens! Tell me, that the father was wrong! Or think I'm to blame?!". And her brother is enough adult a man in such moments, sitting next to her mother as "the lawyer" and calms her down.
At a high level merging of roles in the family are formed in the light of who is to blame and who gathered around the family. System all the time looking for someone around whom to gather in sorrow and problems, to talk about anyone, who and what happened. That is, there is a focus and all the family members ran into this hotbed of inflammation, someone in the role of the macrophage, someone in the role of the lymphocyte, someone in the role of leukocyte, respectively, and each has its own function, that is, from each waiting for certain actions. Someone got sick, someone was drinking, someone fell business, someone got divorced, someone got fired and the whole family begins to discuss it, to survive.
And the therapist begins to unravel and understand, shows how to separate feelings from logic, creates understanding where this issue is not about feelings and emotions, but about problem solving and ability to negotiate.
And the higher level of differentiation, the higher the ability, and then develop skills to remain objective, clear thinking under those conditions, when you are under pressure. It is important to be able to observe the situation as if from outside, as an observer-investigator.
the first step you need to take a five-minute break, set aside the emotion on the sidelines and ask questions of yourself or your family:
- What mom (dad, sister, husband...) does it? What result she hopes or expects? (demanded in hysterics or offended not to call her; to come and take something; to relocate and move to another apartment ...)
- what is to come and pick up, not to pass with someone? In connection with what to carry and not to hire a freight transport company? Why not call and write SMS, etc.?
- what kind of feeling do you have covered? So what happened to you? To what you always thought?
And to reprogram the usual emotional reaction to a rational, the first thing you do ask yourself questions and answer about who has what purpose in this "tent". The higher the level of mergers than it is, "heap" there is a family and any system – the higher the aggression, due to the constant, chronic violation of personal boundaries.
Undifferentiated Ego mass – the mass, consisting of the undivided "I", only "We." We are a family, we are strong, there is generally the word "I" no. As more and raised all in understanding that "I" is the last letter of the alphabet. And "we" must and can only exist when things are bad! And when well - turns and to meet prerequisites and requirements there, so should be good.