the troubles of Life, explains each in a different way. Someone blames an unjust fate and fateful coincidence, and someone constantly looking for reasons in itself. And both points of view have right to exist. Everything that happens to us is due to a number of ordered random and chaotic patterns. And most of the events in the outside world is invisibly connected with the internal, psychological reality of the person. It's worth looking for the origins of the failures and misfortunes that have plagued him in life.
Focusing on the external circumstances, as if a person removes the responsibility from himself – “what Happened is what happened, because the way the world”. On the one hand minimizes his feelings, on the other deprives him of the opportunity to understand the real reasons and to break the chain of failures. At the same time, excessive immersion in itself, often turns into the real-flagellation – “All bad because I'm bad and I deserve it”. It also does not allows to look at the situation from different angles – “If I am willing to take the blame for everything, why strain and something else to look for?” And in that and in other case the problem is not solved, a series of unpleasant events does not stop.
When a person continually attracts unhappiness and chooses a personal way to understand why this is happening, he unconsciously realizes its victim program. It's like he carries a cross, who knows who and what blame is assigned. Deep down, he can understand that such a large number of unpleasant events is not accidental. But this is not enough to realize the insurmountable inner strength, over and over again lead him to the edge of the abyss.
the Victim – this is a man who lives and acts contrary to their interests. This paradox is very difficult to understand if we consider the human psyche is something common and completely subordinated to the mind. Well, as a reasonable person can deliberately hurt yourself? However, it can. And this is due to the fact that in addition to the conscious I, with which we interact with the world, in the psyche there are other areas that are hidden from our attention and do not bend to our will. These areas are linked by a variety of motives and needs, also beyond our control. They affect feelings thinking and behavior, even when it seems to him that he keeps everything under control. Because it's so hard to take one moment to change himself, to abandon destructive habits and patterns.
the Choice of scenario the victim is largely due to the children's story of a man and the nature of his relationship with his parents. Not difficult to guess that the victims of this interaction was very complex and broken. There are a number of popular objections:
- “I Have the best parents and the relationship we have to this day a wonderful”. Why this doubt? Though, because human life is a series of unpleasant misunderstandings, losses and accidents. Healthy parent-child relationships of such a model form. Then why are people so confident about it? Because the child's mind when faced with a stressful experience, which is due to age and lack of experience can not be recycled, it displaces it from your mind in order to get rid of the pain and not collapse. So negative parental attitudes fall into the hidden, unconscious sphere of the personality and out of control. Becoming for adults people do not remember that there was something wrong. He had become like I had wanted mom and dad, comfortable in dialogue, meet their expectations, they will not for his curse. That's only in life that don't add up, tormented by insecurity, the problems do not end there. The fact that your own wants and needs and stayed beyond comprehension and now remind myself, tossing unpleasant experiences and life's troubles – “You betrayed us and needs to be punished”.
- “my parents, the question is solved, they gave me a messed up childhood and now I do not want to know”. There are plot twists, in which the native people forever become strangers. The question arises, then, if the relationship, in fact, broken. The fact that at birth the mind and the inner world of the child contains almost any objects. Then as interaction with the surrounding reality first and foremost with the parents of this tank can be filled. What it will be depends on the quality of this interaction. If it is emotional coldness and rejection, the child's psyche is applied to the first crushing injury. And if to this is added a systematic suggestion that the development of the child brought a lot of problems and troubles, there are reasons for self-punishment in the future. All the rules and requirements of the moms and dads of the child's mind puts up, they become newfound objects of the inner world and stay there forever. There goes parental criticism, accusations that ‘life put” and more. Even if becoming for adults man for himself decides that the relationship with the parents is impossible to correct, went to another city or even another country, these internal objects sent on a long journey with him. They have become a part of it, and you can't escape yourself. Then the person is forced to suffer is not real parent figures, and these hidden elements of your own psyche.
- “Parents no longer in this world, how can they affect my life”. In this case, everything happens as in the previous paragraph. Physically they are long gone, but laid in the first years of life attitudes and behaviors are still alive and active in the management of human behavior. He continues to live with the generated in the first years of life self-esteem, which persistently insists –“you are not worthy”, “you don't deserve”, “in the world there are many other more intelligent, beautiful and talented, and you…”. It interacts with the surrounding through the prism of the current it is personal boundaries that allow anyone to enter his personal, intimate territory “knock”. In his inner world continue to live the idea that if you behave quietly and humbly, the family storms will bypass or not much hurt. Or “if lot for themselves do not desire, then there's no bitter to pay”, or that “better a little pain now to gain the illusory benefits in the future”, etc. These and many other things did not disappear with the departure of the parents, they will exist and invisibly lead man until he does not dare to serious work on yourself.
this section covers only a small part of the internal motives and attitudes that put the person in a sacrificial position. In fact, there are many more and in each case they are unique – common to all models of trauma on which to focus does not exist. Because each scenario needs careful and individual approach. It is a long and difficult job, once having decided to go this path will need to gain strength and patience.
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With sincere respect and care,
the Psychologist, Irina Nycnative