I specializers on the topic of conflict. In working with clients (whether training or consultation), the most frequent cause of conflict is NOT isolated SPEAKING of their feelings, thoughts, doubts regarding the situation.

One component of conflict is the image of the conflict situation. And until people clarify for each other their way, the situation risks becoming a conflict. Although the reason for this was not.

here is a very simple example.

a Married couple is experiencing difficulties with money. Spouse is forced to leave to work in another city. Sometimes he isn't home for two weeks. The money for the family he brings properly. At some point, the wife realizes that the money she is sometimes not enough until the next visit of her husband: the child's birthday, an unexpected purchase... She is looking part-time work, is mad at her husband that he does not know to transfer money to her early arrival. The situation escalated, the woman began to show irritation at the phone, the mood was more often broken than good. Now in both of them. The sister of the woman was advised to just tell the spouse about the problem. But the answer was that he must guess "not small". When the husband arrived, the meeting began do not expect kissing, and irritation. Quarrelling with her husband, the woman spoke with your problem. My husband was very amazed and confused: he could not think that there is a problem. And very upset that his wife didn't tell you earlier...

Speaking of the situation allows to prevent the conflict, clarify the image of the situation for both. Don't keep the person guessing about your thoughts. The easiest way to constructively convey to the recipient their concerns, thoughts looks like this:

1.Report the fact (people became less likely to come, the employee is to be late, etc.). It is important to start with facts, not your interpretation of the fact ("I don't like what you're late"). Try mark first the good points ("you were always very punctual").

2.Report your attitude to this fact (" I am concerned", "last time it upsets me", "I am very surprised, because before, you always did the work on time").

3.Offer to discuss the situation.

it is Important to choose the right time. Do not start a dialogue with the dramatic "we need to talk", people can begin to cheat yourself. And it will have the wrong image of the situation before you talk to him.

One of my clients very vividly described the wife of his attitude to her statement that he stopped to chat with her in the evenings: "recently we began to argue over domestic issues. I'm not worried about what we're fighting. And then how long we then sort things out. It looks like a long tube, with no end in sight. And at such moments (and you know how I hate traffic) I just want to turn around and leave. Because this "tube" is sucking all my energy. That's why I began to avoid conflicts. Not because I don't want to talk to you. You see, I feel exhausted already in the beginning of the conversation. Could we otherwise discuss our this repair?". The woman then said: "You know, I like eyes opened. I even could not think that he is so tired from that."

Often my clients say, what to say is not very easy. Yes, this skill requires training. And this exercise is one of the basic points in the resolution and prevention of conflicts.

Semchenko Maria
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