This is the phenomenon of "passive aggression" is very common. But due to established stereotypes are not always perceived as aggression. After all, to be calm, pleasant, nice, accommodating - it's kind of good. It is convenient. This creates the illusion of prosperity. And public was approved.

And aggression - this is something terrible! This should be avoided! In short, "good boys don't fight", and "good girls do not swear". And you need to be good.

But what is often hidden behind all this "goodness"? And very often it's repressed anger, hatred, resentment and irritation. But what all this choking - it is not going away. Just beginning to emerge in disguised form. And the consequences of "passive aggression" is no better than an open quarrel. And perhaps even worse, because the relationship "podrachivala" gradually, gradually, regularly and thoroughly.

What are the signs of "passive aggressive" person ? They are, roughly, these:

1. Such people avoid obvious displays of anger and avoid conflict. But constantly provoke another scandal.

2. Their goal is to bring another to the "white heat", and then to pass on to him all the responsibility and blame for the conflict.

3. These people never say a solid "Yes" or "no". Their answers are evasive and uncertain.

4. They tend to look for someone to blame for their troubles in everything and everyone around them. They never admit their wrongs and their contribution to the emergence of some conflicts.

5. If they do agree, but deep down don't want to do that, then never say directly. Most just agree and not do it.

6. They tend to procrastinate - to postpone something for later and pull some questions to infinity.

7. Never Express my personal point of view. Easier to shift the responsibility on the other. Yes, and blame, if something went wrong.

8. Can "forget" about important events - birthday parties or any agreements. With them it's hard to decide anything because they are not very reliable. I will say - and do.

9. Love to devalue other people's fantasies, plans, and desires and will always find in them some flaw.

10. If they still have something necessary to do, they will do so that others will have to redo it.

11. They tend to be late. It's a kind way of saying "no"

12. Like to argue, to Express a negative opinion on any occasion, to wear on the face of bleak a mask and saying that "nobody understands".

13. Stand in the position of the victim and shift the responsibility for resolving any family or work issues to others. In relationships they are characterized by position dependence.

14. Avoid serious conversations on important topics: money, feelings, sex, etc And it is much easier to say "Do what you think is right. After all, my opinion anyway you don't care". Then provide the partner to deal with the problem and with the guilt that he had after such speeches will appear.

15. Unable to conduct "guerrilla war" against someone through gossip and intrigue.

16. They are characterized by offensive jokes and sarcasm, which are not at all fun, and can hurt to hurt the other. If they say this, they can obtain a "bonus": "you have no sense of humor."

17. Often, the silent treatment. Instead of discussing a conflict may withdraw, pout and be silent with the look of a hurt child. Ie they are masterful manipulators.

18. If a dispute still arise, they will shift all the blame on the other and remember such details, which may for 20 years. In this respect they have a good memory.

19. Almost never speaking directly about their claims or feelings, they rise to the position of "guess a pier itself (himself)". I.e., from partner it is expected that he has some magical way to learn about these needs and feelings, and if not, then there is the accusation that "you don't love me you don't understand me".

the Summary is:

passive-aggressive person is usually the person is immature and irresponsible. But it is necessary to understand that such reactions did not come out of nowhere. They have a backstory. Most often associated with children's experiences and the situation in the family in which such person has grown.

most Often it is two variants: or in this family was made to hush up and hide, or on the contrary there have been too many scandals and quarrels. In the first case, a man accustomed to hiding their feelings. And the second decides "I'll act differently!". That is. Only it turns out crooked.

How to deal with a passive aggressive man?

1. Not to respond to provocation. If You got mad then You lose.

2. To talk about the problem directly, calmly and convincingly. adult for adults. Never stand in a position of "I'm an adult and know how, and you're a kid to teach." This will only exacerbate the conflict.

3. Not to accuse, not to judge. To speak directly about what you don't like how it is on your mind affects relationships.

4. Do not take on guilt that you are trying to impose. Sensibly assess the degree of their real influence on the situation. Maybe you do something wrong. But that doesn't mean everything.

5. If the tactics of the "let's talk calmly" don't work, then you can use the tactic of "clear boundaries". For example, if the person is chronically late and it's starting to negatively affect your plans, we can say "we agreed to meet in the so much. I'll wait exactly 10 min". And that's how long and wait.

Shipin Yang, a psychologist, art therapist.

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