snow-White smile, sparkling on television and billboards belong to the four characters – close to the perfection of the mother, patanatomy dad and two kids comb. Polished dog yet. Arm in arm, beneath the designer tree, the family promises a great – hen, the microscopic rate on the loan, almost free apartments in new buildings, tablets for comfortable digestion Olivier and Apple juice, which radically changes life.
They move gracefully, carefully look each other in the eyes and politely joking. They have a clean, cozy, peaceful, zagotovlen. Happy New year!
And you have a family also on Christmas vacation?
this year you did not go to the Alps or variegated Thailand?
Then maybe the next option is closer to you.
all Told in poems about a snowflake, written semiannual checklists, corporate karaoke sung songs, danced Santas, dressed as snow maiden. All. We are at home. Now celebrating as a family.
Roasting, boiling, cutting. Tree. Garland did not buy! Cutting, cleaning, market. Grandmother's gift forgotten! Shop, white shirt, nail Polish. Mushrooms from the basement ought to bring. Cutting. Duck, apples, herring cleaned. "Lena! Ish... don't rock the tree. The Santa Claus gifts are not brought. Pohjalaisia, baby!" Still tinsel on the window. Come on, blind, unclean, among the third wash. No strength... Cutting, cutting... Well, where is this guy with mushrooms with these? He udumal – fishing second. I know... Between the children and the kitchen, as usual. Like I'm not supposed to rest. Okay, then it's all... And now cutting. Have to smile New year family meet still. Aay! Finger! Tired...
In the next frame feast under the chiming clock and hope for the best in a congratulatory toast. Incurable optimist swallowed along with the champagne burned his desire. Bells moms and close friends. Firecrackers, laughter, memories and the clicking of channels. Tired eyes and "unjustly" sent to sleep the children. And in the morning their bare legs will stick out from under the Christmas tree, parents will Wake up to the rustling of presents under the exclamations of delight. The apartment is impregnated with a persistent smell of holiday, the remnants of drinks to somehow tidied up the table and the morning staleness in the stomach. Happy New year!
Celebrated. In the future, concentrate referred to as a "family Christmas vacation". So decrees the state.
What are the possibilities revealed in this period. The most tempting – it's legal not to go to work and as a bonus – get some sleep! Still to do the lessons. Slow down the wheel everyday race. To meet friends only once a year turns. Enjoy the gifts. The car in the yard for a couple of days leave and walk slowly, arm in arm with his wife and kids.
it would Seem so nice and calmly, almost like the family that smiles from the screen.
Then where this fact:
STATISTICS AFTER the CHRISTMAS HOLIDAYS the NUMBER of DIVORCES INCREASED by ALMOST a THIRD
Between advertising images and the real spread reality. Not bad and not good, and such as it is. As a family psychologist, I see it from year to year in consultation with the pairs. Entry in my work notebook is compacted after the winter holidays. Requests and causes of conflicts again.
in addition to the obviously positive things that can still be seen in a festive reality.
For women density stay in the kitchen becomes non-normalized - long. It can be exhausting.
- visit us and Vice versa. A lot more often. Mother-in-law, mother-in-law, sister with three screaming children, a grandfather, a friend of his wife with a new man, a neighbor at the cottage, a colleague (because of the christening, invited), cackling to night Igor. Some have to endure.
- a Weak alternative, nowhere to go, resting the whole country. And if the weather let us down...
- Children require a lot of attention and entertainment. But it is not always connected with the rest of the parents.
- Inevitably melts the family budget.
If you generalize – not very good to relax.
This reality can cause extra stress and soon you will hear very quietly, through clenched teeth: "Hurry to work..."
a family Christmas vacation I called "concentrate" because the family or couple is in a forced proximity geographically and psychologically.
What I mean.
the Relationship between a man and a woman changeable. They undergo phases in which the partners can move closer or to move away from each other. This is a normal process, working to preserve the love, affection and sense of value each other. And perhaps now the couple is in the period when not ready to be close. And go like nowhere... Personal boundaries have to move, something to endure while trying to enjoy, as well as New year after all! A man is in a celebratory cognitive dissonance. Increased nervousness. Petty quarrels and conflicts break out like sticks of sparklers.Strong are those relationships in which the couple spends together is not more than 10% of the time (except sleep, of course). Therefore for many people a family Breakfast, an evening conversation and a cultural event for the weekend, are a comfortable means to maintain a stable marital Union.
Too close interaction of the spouses highlights problem areas in the relationship, like x-rays. And burst where it was constricted.
What reasons can spoil your holidays and that you can take to preserve good relations:
1. The illusion, after - disappointment. Ineradicable human need for a fairy tale. New year's eve symbolizes the transition from past life to new best. And I want to like as a child: waking up in the morning and under the tree – dream in bright box! All the bad was last year. Now it will be different. And if January 1 fell on a Monday – the magical changes simply have no chance to descend! But it takes a couple of days, a story does not come to the house... You are all in the same apartment, with the same people and the same set of responsibilities. And husband back into a Prince does not become (or in Santa Claus, at least). Christams elegant vanity were not warned about this.
What to do? Be in reality. Not invent a story. The changes that you have planned, be sure to come, but I guess it will have to work hard and wait a bit.
2. Lack of coordination between spouses. Her husband was going fishing in the bathhouse, once casually dropped the news during a new year's table. Spouse or even a month agreed with the girls to "sit down girls" overnight, thinking that for my husband's surprise. But if these events crossed in one day, the conflict can not be avoided. I do not agree...
What to do? About fishing, friends and other ways to relax outside of the family coordinate in advance, even before the weekend. Until the graphics – which days who where excommunicated, with whom will the children. And ask your second half as it relates to your choice.
3. Ignoring the interests of some of the family members. "I have a weekend I want to rest." This desire belongs to everyone. "Well, I'm bigger than you vpahivat!" or "today I will not touch it, I'm in the future" or "Today and tomorrow with the children you, because I am with them all day long" - doesn't work here. Dense family context – labor for two.
One of the spouses may actively promote the Christmas traditions of its parent family, which can become a focus of discontent and resistance of the other.
What to do? a Little bit to work a little bit to relax. Distribute duties. Nothing wrong in the fact that the husband a couple of hours of play, provided that before heading to the rink with children. And traditions, you may want to reconsider to save yourself from unnecessary stress. What was good for the young grandmother in the fifties of the last century no longer really works for your family. Like a pot-bellied hinged Cabinet door prosharenny, which are not molded between a home theater and a stylish armoire.
4. The same forced proximity and territorial psychological. If you are now in this period of the relationship, the recommendation here one – hold each other and treat with respect the personal boundaries of your partner. And the most useful would be to openly discuss his condition, while stressing the value and importance of a loved one: "I love you, I really need you, but! Now I have a need to devote time to themselves, to be alone."
5. Don't forget about our body. Failure in diet and sleep, let small, but frequent doses of alcohol – undermine not only the digestive system, but also the nervous system.
What to do? Here I fail to be original. Control the amount of consumed food and beverages. And re-read about the traditions, it is in the third paragraph.
to Spend time pleasantly, to enjoy not only the tree, but also each other. Everything is in your hands. Dilute the concentrate! Often get out from the house to the street. Just. No food, drinks, and now this - "just walk up to guests." Make family walks, go places that have not been namelythe funny photo and make Christmas tree decorations. But you never know what else you can think of instead of quarrels and conflicts in this festive time.
happy New year, friends! I wish you to live your reality in harmony, being in tune with personal boundaries and their favorite people.
Alina Adler /family psychologist.