co-dependency. Declare war!
This article is for those who are experiencing difficulties in relationships and wants to overcome them.
Entering into partnerships, the vast majority of people want to build a strong and happy relationship, sincerely believes that everything will be alright. How is it that love is gone, and in its place is firmly settled conflicts, misunderstandings and, often, codependency? Talk about what codependency is, where it comes from, how to recognize it and what to do to overcome it.
What is codependency in a relationship
Codependency is best defined in the words of popular songs and poems "I can't live without you", "you're the meaning of my life", "you drop disappear".
the Word codependency, which originally appeared in alcohol and treated behaviors of women who are in relationships with alcoholics. At the moment it is used in the broad context of violations of family relationships.
"a Codependent is a person emotionally dependent on the mood and behavior of another person, being completely absorbed in the personality of this other, and not on himself and trying to control the actions of another in the hope that the other will behave exactly as he would like. Codependent can be husband and wife, mother and daughter, mother and son, doctor and patient, psychotherapist and client".1
1 L. A. Puzyreva. Yaroslavl pedagogical Bulletin — 2012 — No. 3 — Volume II (Psychological and pedagogical Sciences).
How to recognize and overcome codependency
Below we will examine the key factors that underlie codependency, and give recommendations on how to improve the situation.
If the following signs describe your relationship with your partner, then you most likely are in codependency:
- Fear of being alone
- Distorted view about themselves and about the partner
- violations of the will and the motivational sphere
- the Lack of contact with his own feelings
- Immature attitude towards your life.
- Numerous secondary benefits
the Lack of contact with his depths. The inability to enjoy life, to fill myself. Characterized by a sense of emptiness: "what am I going to do without him (her)", "my life is over, if we break up". Often a codependent cannot give three to five examples of what he truly takes pleasure in life.
What to do. to listen to their bodily sensations and emotions. Make it a rule to keep track of what I'm feeling right now:
- comfortable — uncomfortable
- want — want
- want to chat — I want to be alone, I want to be quiet
- angry — not angry
try to follow the rule — do what you like, and don't do anything you don't like, of course, adjusted to the reality. Adherence to these rules opens the way to interesting insights and new experiences, reinterpretation of his own life.
the Inability to be in equilibrium, peace. Characteristic constant anxiety, self-doubt, distrust of himself, attempts at whatever was to save a codependent relationship, and in their destruction to find a new object to be repeated.
What to do. the First to admit the idea that the experience of loneliness is normal. Then make a mental journey in his childhood. Remember what it was. Loved you, care about you? Often it is childhood emotional traumas prevent us to be made whole.
If found inside resentment or pain towards their parents, it is better to share this with a psychologist to work through traumatic experiences.
Learn to love and accept yourself just as you are — buy yourself gifts, indulge, fantasize and exercise. Develop a more — to Express their point of view in the dialogue, engage in communication with new people. It is important to be interested in other people, to create close ties.
indicates a kind of psychological blindness. Often the idealization of the partner and/or yourself, ignoring direct evidence of behavior. May close eyes to adultery, for example.
What to do. Pay more attention not to words but to actions and concrete results of the actions. Keep track of whether the promises. Reflect on your personal boundaries — what is acceptable and what is not. Start to stick to the rules "not to violate its borders and personal boundaries of another person".
her Own desire suppressed, not independent. A characteristic phrase — "the main thing that he was doing fine, then I'm all right," "I don't want for yourself, want for another."
What to do. Learn to want for myself. It is important to find at least a small desire to implement them. Here, by the way, is an important criterion distinguishing the true desires from the false for the true, we always are doing something and approaching them, and about may be declared over the years and remain empty.
there is No awareness of pain, anger, resentment that one experiences in a codependent relationship. These feelings are displaced as uncomfortable. When a direct question about feelings codependent, even in objectively unfavorable situation may claim that it's all good.
What to do. in addition to sessions with a psychologist will approach everything that is directed on contact with the body and emotions — dance, painting, sculpture, crafts, breathing practices, yoga.
you Can fill in a diary of feelings. First, during the day periodically to consciously monitor your emotions, and record. And to sum up the day — to capture the most significant moments and own feelings that accompanied them.
co-dependents often denies that may affect the situation. The thing in the other person or external circumstances, are they to blame for what is happening. People avoiding responsibility for their actions.
What to do. Write down on a piece of paper all your worries, and then cross out all that have no influence on. Focus all the energy that remained, and act. To get the result, it is important to be honest with myself.
It can be a habit, material comfort, the ability to avoid fears of liability.
What to do. Independently perform and write secondary benefits from the current situation. A secondary benefit is the advantages that people receive from co-dependency:
- predictability of the situation
- the opportunity to meet with their feelings
- do nothing
to make the second list is the price you pay for codependency — for example, lack of joy, freedom, and the impossibility of creative expression, loss of money, health.
This is as complete as possible analysis of highly demotiviruet you to change.
Codependency is not love, but its substitution
co-dependency is the fruit of childhood injuries, parenting, family learned unconscious scripts and patterns of destructive behavior.
it is Important to understand that codependency is not love, but to substitute it. True love requires freedom and autonomy, open and trusting relationship on equal terms. Mature, psychologically stable person himself interesting, he can find in life, sources of joy and happiness. Partner or child-parent relationship is part of life, a very large and significant part, Yes, but only part.
From codependency to go is not easy, especially when there is experience three or four such relationships. I had a case study where co-dependency was burdened by family violence. Assault husband has become something habitual, in the soul of the client settled the constant fear of saying or doing something that does not please her husband. The only joy left dealing with a small child and drinking alcohol. It took six months of work in order for the client realized the horror of the situation and started to change. She began to defend themselves – to call the police to seek the assistance of loved ones. A year later divorced. Two years of therapy it took to learn to live independently. She gathered myself together, learned to say "no", to enjoy the simple things, regained personal boundaries, feel free in the body, their own value. Every step forward was given with great difficulty. But she made it.
Declare codependency war, the part of you that is ingrained in her — she is your greatest and only real enemy.
Be happy in a relationship!
Author: David Teeth.