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we All enter into a relationship with her suitcase experience. Differently and can not be. But there are kinds of emotional baggage that are dooming the relationship of man to failure. That is, if it is configured to use only those things that are in his suitcase, to build a healthy relationship with your partner is simply impossible.

most of the quarrels in pairs is in contact with the "spikes" of the identity of one or both partners. We fall in love with the personality of the partner, but the deal we have with his character. Distressed traits give rise to complexity and misunderstanding.

Unrealistic expectations to each other slowly eroding life together. And at some moment a couple discovers a complex problem, the output of which the partners themselves can not. Many families deny the existence of problems until they disperse or will not divorce, although they often have lots of hidden conflicts throughout the history of relations.

Often the partners know the main weak points of each other, and when there is a strong feeling of anger, the temptation to hit in a vulnerable position. Anger can find a way out in threats, verbal or physical violence. In other cases, he may apply to the person and lead to depression and Savarese when he causes himself physical damage or compulsive overeating, for example, saying: "Eat! Serves you right! Only that's what you're capable of!"

in addition to anger, equally destructive is the belief in having special rights (chart of grandeur), which can be expressed in these words: "what is mine is mine and what's yours is also mine". This usually hides a fear of not deserving love (scheme abandoned), as well as an intense feeling of shame (schema efektivnosti/modesty, and for the details of the schemes, read this article: https://vk.com/@docvangor-needsandschemas).

People that has these plans, in a stressful situation it appears as if thrown into a similar situation from childhood experiences, and behaves as it used to since childhood. If in his childhood he was faced with neglect and violence, and he got the sense of anger and a scheme of grandeur, that person will do anything to get care and protection in a relationship with a partner, to achieve unconditional love. This can involve manipulation, threats, insults and demonstrative behavior.

anyway, what "unconditional love"? The closest to this concept probably corresponds to the love of a parent to the child. If you think about it, it becomes quite clear that the relationship of adults there are always some conditions: not to hurt, to be responsible for something, to do household chores or to earn money, to be faithful, etc., Spouses are called partners, because it is expected that they will equally bring something for a shared "account relations".

In this lies the problem that many people expect that they will love unconditional love, that is, on the one hand, as well as in childhood, on the other hand will give what you were given by the parents. "Love me infinitely! Heal my wounds! Be my therapist!", - here's how it sounds. Here you can also add the belief that the partner is able to read the thoughts of another.

Thus, we can see some pitfalls in the relationship. These requirements, which were not satisfied in childhood, it is simply impossible to satisfy in partnership with her husband! Partner inevitably will sooner or later begin to feel "drunk to the bottom". And if we look from this angle, it becomes clearer why people act like: if the child does not get what he wants, he starts to act up. Looking ahead, I can say that schema therapy is the behavior of an adult is so designated: "the naughty child mode" or "mode furious child".

What to do? Childhood behind, needs are not satisfied, partner is trying, but can not give what one wants. It sounds paradoxical, but these needs can be satisfied only by going to your childhood! And since time machine is not invented, the opportunity to date can only give schema therapy!

Schema therapy offers many effective techniques for working with the past, which intrudes in a real relationship. This approach allows to work with a family history, which relieves you of the burden of unresolved childhood issues each of the partners with the relevant relationships. The therapist can understand the entire drama of family relationships, but only if he will be able to look behind the scenes between the acts!

Beginning couples therapy, it is important that each of the partners has abandoned the position of his innocence, but, on the contrary, acknowledged his contribution to the problem. This requires that we be humble, but it is vitally important for marriage. Also everyone assumes the obligation to make efforts to restore relations. And, of course, the partners should try to refrain from doing any conscious harm each other, whether verbal or physical aggression, or neglect.

Anticipating a possible question, I would say that much of the work on improving relations can be conducted in individual therapy with one of the partners, which addressed this request. Changes in the behavior of one of the partners cannot fail to affect the relations. Although it so happens that the other partner opposes these changes because they violate existing relationship balance. Sometimes, however, a second partner can bring to the therapy gradually or indirectly, for example, doing some homework together.

Summing up, I can say that although the journey to healing relationships is often very difficult, the spark of hope, coupled with strong determination and faith in love, can solve almost any, even the most hopeless situation!

If you have questions, ask in the comments! There are still many topics that I want to highlight. With your help it will be easier to understand which way to go first.
Ivan Gorbachev
2018-11-09
Статья выложена в ознакомительных целях. Все права на текст принадлежат ресурсу и/или автору (B17 B17)

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