“My son got out of hand, do not want to do, the room is dirty, things are scattered. Late sitting in the phone, and in the morning can't Wake him up to school. Tell me what to do?»
— Anna, 34.
When the child reaches adolescence, parents are increasingly faced with the disobedience of the child and his protest. As a rule, tardiness to classes, not completed homework, laziness and irresponsibility, violation of discipline and order in school and at home, etc. to make it easier to survive this age of crisis, it is best to seek the help of a specialist.
My work as a psychologist, begins with the most basic — to identify and eliminate the causes of such behavior.
you Can call the following causes of problem behaviours:
1) Not formed a daily routine of the day in the preschool age. When a baby is born, parents try to follow the doctor's orders: to feed and walk at the same time. If the child performs similar actions on schedule from day to day, he formed the internal mode. In the future, the parent can already predict what time the baby asks to eat. In the process of growing up he develops new games and activities that complement the day.
If in early childhood the baby was still allowed, and up to 7 years he is not used to comply with the daily schedule of the house and in the garden, then violated the regime of the day can be the main reason for this behavior.
2) the Wrong approach to child rearing. Can eventually lead to non-compliance with rules and procedures both at home and in society. For example, an overprotective parent can raise a rebellious child with a low level of self-organization and self-discipline.
3) Different situations and trauma from childhood. Cause not experienced feelings of resentment and misunderstanding in the family. A child reaching adolescence, can vent their relatives. Most often this behavior manifests itself in the form of protest, and the parent the impression that the child does evil.
4) Puberty. In this age there are significant changes in the child's behavior related to a hormonal imbalance. The actions of the teenager are often impulsive and not thought out. Teenager he ceases to understand and accept yourself, spends a lot of time to form its new “I”.
to facilitate adolescent crisis and disobedience of the child, you can teach it to the regime of the day, which will allow the best use of limited resources: primarily the time and willpower, self-discipline, optimism.
Adjustment of the child's behavior and the establishment of discipline at home and school carried out in several stages:
1. The formation of the main goal.
At the first stage it is important to identify the purpose of the parent. For example, you need to eliminate unwanted behavior in a child: late rise, late to school.
After that first week the parent observes the natural routine of your child — at what time he usually wakes up and goes to bed, what chores does the teenager in the morning that no time in the classroom.
Then the parent together with a psychologist reveals what chronotype refers the teenager: a lark or an owl? Depends on the activity of the nervous system of the child.
2. Compilation of routine.
After that, the parent together with the child define the optimal mode of the day.
At this stage, the parent could face a protest of the child and unwillingness to obey the rules. This is due to the fact that the phrase “the adherence of the day” is associated with a strict routine and minute-by-minute schedule: early Wake up, morning cleaning, etc.
Try to reformulate the sentence and ask the teenager to get it started “time management” or “independently planned their actions”.
a Perfect example is one day in the life of an idol or famous person who is an authority for a teenager. It is important that the schedule was flexible, as the teenager may change interests and Hobbies.
an Exemplary table of daily routine might look like this:
Self study (performance d/h)
Preparing for tomorrow
*In the notes you can write the quote of the day from the interview with the idol, motivating phrases, or responsibilities of the child.
3. Discussion of the methods and techniques of education — punishment.
In this phase are analyzed all the options and methods of education that were used to change unwanted behavior for a teenager. For example, a psychologist interested in, what penalties were applied when a child was late to school and had homework?
There are a few of the most common ways in which abused parents to achieve the desired result:
- Intimidation. Example: “If you don't do homework — go for a walk” or “will Not get the phone until you clean your room”.
- Punishment. for Example: “You have not done your homework, you will not go on the street” or “did You clean your room, and you don't get the tablet’.
- the Imposition of additional duties. for Example: ‘So how are you today received “2” in math, that means dirty dishes wash you”.
- Physical and moral violence against the child, etc. for Example: beatings, fights, humiliation and insults to the child.
These methods of punishment it is best to avoid! Such methods of education though, and inhibit unwanted actions, but over time, there is a risk that the teenager will cease to hear and act upon the requests of parents.
If you do not want to lose credibility and respect, it is important not to punish the child for his actions, and learn to negotiate and give him a choice. To the actions of the teenager do not go unpunished, he himself would prescribe sanctions for his misconduct. The next time the teenager will know what to expect in a particular case. For example, if he was ready to sacrifice the walk with friends for being late to school by 5 minutes?
So the teenager gradually learns to make the right decisions.
4. The motivation of the child to the observance of a day regimen.
Here we come to the most important: the parent understood that the penalty of gives short-term result, made a schedule for every day, placed it in the room of the child. The teenager in turn already knows what would happen if he won't respect the day. It is small — to motivate the child to follow the rules, not waiting for a special occasion or new year.
Here will help positive reinforcement, based on the satisfaction of human needs:
- Material: money, a bike, a phone, new shoes, etc.
- Social: compliments, praise, smile, hugs, kisses, etc.
- Behavioral: going to the theatre or cinema, walking, etc.
- Symbolic: bonuses or points that convert to gift or reward.
Together with teenager parent chooses positive reinforcement, which covers the needs of a teenager at this age. During the day the parent (and later the teenager) observes and records the adherence of the day. At the end of the day encourages adolescents for the compliance schedule.
5. Securing the desired behavior.
it Remains the most important — to secure desired behavior from a child for a long period of time. Jointly develop a new system and new reinforcements that would motivate a teenager to comply with the rules. It could be collecting coins, stickers or points exchange for money or desired gift.
In the future try to praise and encourage the child not only at the end of the day, but also develop the motivation for a week or a month. For example, a child for a whole month saving up the points and at the end of the month exchange them for a ticket to the zoo.
If you follow this plan, then very soon your child will surprise you with its results!