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did you Ever have similar situation? You got up in the morning in a great mood, hairstyle, makeup, look in the mirror, feel very charming and attractive. Come to work, and there is someone from colleagues let snide remark about appearance/clothes, and your confidence is already somewhere disappears?

Or, for example, did you start the new business, motivation, inspiration, but hear from someone in your address “something is isn't really, it might not be yours?” and his hands immediately go down. Or maybe nobody said anything, but face barriers and creeps into his head “something is wrong with me”.

If you encounter similar situations, we are talking about unstable self-esteem. It is not high and not low, as it happens, and so and so. But the main criterion that defines an unstable self-image – it is a relationship of self-perception from the opinions of others, from the circumstances of life, from successes and failures. Of course, we all react to failures and criticisms, but people with stable self-esteem may be a momentary upset and then go our own way.

In the case of unstable self-esteem as we live like two people: one is able to be happy for yourself, be proud, emotional lift. The second is filled with fear, resentment, guilt, anxiety. And appear these two roles depending on what is happening in life. If all is well, there are achievements surrounding praise, you feel confident, sometimes even losing the sense of reality, forgetting to remove the rose-colored glasses. If the problems get up the wall, around the mostly negative feedback – people tend to start to rot themselves and underestimated.

how do we get stable, or unstable self-esteem? Typically, there are three main factors: the reaction of the parents on our behavior (they only criticized actions or our personality), the self-esteem of the parents themselves and, of course, our psycho.

The threat of unstable self-esteem? The fact that self-esteem – this is the basis that defines what will be our life. It affects our relationships with others, achieving success, enjoying what is happening, etc. a Person with unstable self-esteem has to prove that he is good of himself and others, he can follow someone else's values, to go its own way.

Thus, there are three basic designs that can describe the condition our self-image.

1. Stable self-esteem: "I +" - to me, a priori, all is well. This does not mean that there are failures and mistakes, but to them the philosophical and the ground from under the feet do not knock.

2. Unstable self-esteem "I" permanent "swing" of the dependence on the evaluation of other people and of events, because the underlying there is no doubt that with me all right.

3. Of course, with unstable self-esteem life is hard and then unconsciously one finds for itself a conditional statement ‘I + if…..” This design saves you from the uncertainty in the case where the condition is “if” observed.

for Example, I + if:

 earn not less than ……
 my weight not more……
 my supervisor and I are happy,
 my child studies well,
 I'm a concerned wife (a husband).

it Turns out the man loves and accepts himself only if certain conditions are met. This design – the trap of confusing with the way of our own goals. All these “if” is often not a conscious choice, a result of the messages from childhood. In the end, your goals man, it is reaching other people, still remains unsatisfied.

To identify own “if” it is useful to make the following assignment:

 to Write five situations when your self-esteem has skyrocketed.
 to Write five situations when your self-esteem fell.
 to Write under any circumstances you feel relevant.

At the end of this work you can realize your own type of unstable self-esteem.

There are three most common types:

1 type ‘I +, if I'm the best”.

What characterizes such a person?

He evaluates himself in the light of their achievements. In particular, a very important material success. Want to get a quick result and instant approval. So it can proceed with the project if from the outset you will meet with a lack of recognition and difficulties.

it is Important not only achievements, but also superiority over others. Not at all, and that is significant for “best”. For someone is the best machine for someone with a beautiful renovation, the successful career, the smartest child, etc.

this “best” hard to admit the success of others. If he is intellectually sufficient, in words he will be given credit, but deep down inclined to criticize influential people. While “best” aware of the comments and criticism.

he has leadership ambitions, but sometimes he is afraid to show them because he needs an absolute success, and here, God forbid, others will criticize. “Best” important the audience is to be admired.

the Majority of representatives of this type are really talented, creative people. But in the pursuit of the result they can lose the thrill of the process.

2 type “I plus, if I'm pleasing others”.

This is the most common type. The parents of this child always know what is best for him and not really focused on his desires and needs. In the end, he forgets what it means to want something yourself, for yourself. This function atrophies. It is important to meet the expectations of important people for him. If they are happy, it is good self-esteem in the black, if not from an inner discomfort.

The saddest thing is that for adults a man has difficulty with the definition of the way. He does not understand what suits him and not enough motivation to do something for yourself. But if somebody will ask or tell him what to do, people may be ready to move mountains. Own decisions are always associated with crystals to make a mistake. It is important constant positive feedback.

3 type “I plus, if I strong»

These people believe that self-esteem issues they have. Especially men.
Formed in childhood, when the child is forbid to cry, to show weakness. “No crying!”, “am I hurting You, do not invent!”, “don't be a wuss!” etc. the Child has to solve its own problems, is earlier than to grow up.

Sometimes the formation of such structures is obtained not because of my parents, and due to cases of violence, humiliation and bullying in school. The child could be mentally destroyed by this situation and give yourself the word to never be weak.

“Strong” always prepared, ready to fight. It takes a lot of energy that could be directed in a constructive direction.
They may be attracted to conflict, they do not succumb to pressure, they are hard to convince, they are inherent in categorical judgments.

They don't trust anyone to the end, because to trust is to show weakness. Try to ignore their feelings, to save face in any situation, though in his heart vulnerable.

How to stabilize their self-esteem.

there Will be good results, if you manage to understand your personal causes unstable self-esteem. To understand and accept yourself - the first and most important step.
If this occurs, then in each subsequent situation, you will behave differently because in your perception appeared awareness.

the Next step will be to focus on recommendations specifically for your type. Read the list below, which must hang as a reminder to any convenient place and to use it as often as possible in those situations when life will test your self-esteem to the test.

"Best" to stabilize the self-assessment should:

👉to Stop comparing yourself with others. 
👉set a goal to always bring everything through to the end.
👉to resist the desire to drop everything as soon as you face criticism and failure.
👉to Hear yourself: it is important for you to do it for yourself or in order to receive approval, to feel successful? Do not be lazy to ask myself the question
👉Not to divide people into better and worse than you.


"Pleasing others" to stabilize the self-assessment should:

👉Delight yourself.
👉to Defend their interests.
👉Track their desires, to put them above all else.
👉to plan.
👉to Learn to beg.


"Strong" to stabilize the self-assessment should:

👉to Relax and stop trying to prove his power again and again.
👉to Perceive his own weaknesses and weaknesses of others as features.
👉Track the habit to attack, to control aggression, in most cases, no one is trying to fight with you. 
👉Accept their emotions. To rejoice your senses. 
👉to Accept other people.


of Course, this article is not intended to prove that self-esteem is reduced to just ‘do “time” and you will have happiness”. To achieve sustainable results requires constant hard work, possibly over a long period. And, of course, if the causes unstable self-esteem is deep, can not do without therapy.

But I hope that overview will help to delve into our own reasons and to take the first step to understand and accept yourself.


I appreciate your “thanks” if the article was interesting/useful for you.


2019-07-17
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