One of the common causes of requests for help to the psychologist - the fear to defend their rights. br>
And this fear is always a neurotic character. It is based on, first, the neurotic fear of losing a "good" attitude, and secondly, lack of understanding about how to properly protect their interests. br>
In the end, the person pulls and pulls, in order to begin to protect yourself. He suffers one insult after another, one violation of their rights and interests over others. Your patience it is generally considered a positive feature of his character, because patience is generally considered in society socially acceptable quality.
in addition, people who are afraid to do anything in order to defend their rights, which rudely violates the chief, or someone from brazen colleagues, or the "second half", or partner relationships, or parents, or other relatives, or "friends," and so forth, commonly called this "iron" reason, "are afraid to spoil relations." But like to point out: "but if I very to bring, then I "explode like a hundred tons trotilla"(s)!!!"
Fear to spoil relations is quite clear. That's just from the point of view of transactional analysis, the one who endures all the insults and all the violations of his rights and interests, in order not to "spoil relations", unconsciously, is striving to ensure that these same relationships to totally mess up.
Why? Because he doesn't give feedback. And any system without feedback (including the system relations) will one day collapse. br>
moreover, when a person does not protest against the violation of his rights and interests against abusive or unfair treatment, thus it makes the situation even worse, since their silence and patience, he gives a sign that it suits all. I wrote about this in the article "Neurotic silence" here: https://www.b17.ru/article/125560/
consequently, the behavior of someone who violates the rights or interests of that person becoming more and more challenging. And this is not surprising because the offender does not receive any coherent feedback and could be quite sincerely convinced that he does everything right and everyone was satisfied.
to call someone long and hard suffering in silence, without expressing their discontent? Maybe the word "chump"?... "Turtle-Terpila"...
But seriously, in the language of transactional analysis, the one who suffers, he is not just suffering, and saves coupons wrongs to accumulate a lot of them, he could "redeem" these coupons wrongs "super-prize" (similar to how people collect "special" coupons-stickers in supermarkets, then accumulating a lot of them, to exchange them for something "more valuable"). br>
Transactional analysis maintains that people never "just tolerate it", but unknowingly does not give feedback (does not protect their rights) because always "saving up coupons wrongs", and when you gain enough, in his opinion, the number, we will exchange them for permission to let himself inadequate flash of anger, a loud ugly scandal, a complete rupture of relations or even physical assault on the offender.
(Murphy's law: the Rule of Ferguson)
But in order that the situation became irreversible in the vast majority of cases it is necessary to endure a very long time, pretending that "everything is fine".
the point is that those who suffer insults and unjust violations of their rights and interests, from a psychological point of view, not much psychologically healthier than the one who offends another, or unfairly violates their rights and interests. Both play in the game: One "Gotcha you bastard", another in the "Beat me", one plays "the Stalker", another "Victim". But once accumulated enough coupons, then the parties change roles: the "Victim" allows himself "revolt senseless and merciless", turning into a "Stalker", while the former "Rival" becomes a "Victim".
When a person suffers insults and unjust violations of their rights, I am reminded of the famous cartoon about Winnie-the-Pooh, where Winnie was trying to steal honey from bees, but those same "wrong" bees begin to bite. br>
let me Remind you that this Soviet cartoon Winnie the Pooh hanging from a balloon near the hollow with the bees tried to steal their honey, and bees him much for that bit, and Winnie numb legs, so he couldn't release them from the ball to fall to the ground and escape from the "wrong bees". Winnie the Pooh asked of his friend Piglet to shoot the ball, so he, Winnie, could come down to earth. Piglet said: "But if I shoot the ball it'll go off" to which Vinnie has reasonably noticed: "And if you shoot the ball - then spoil me!".
I call it "Selecting patch": decide for yourself what are You more - such a "good" relationship (which really destroy You) or Your psyche and Your health. One thing can go bad. You decide what it is.
but most importantly, as mentioned Above, if You suffer, then You unconsciously accumulate coupons, it in order to then exchange them for a "stage payment" ("rage") to unconsciously destroy that relationship once and for all. And for this, You get the stand? That's it then "save" the relationship? But the point was, then, so long to suffer?
(Johann Wolfgang von Goethe)
the fact that psychologically healthy behavior, it is politely, friendly, correctly, but very firmly and clearly in each case immediately to prevent attempts to insult You, or unfair to violate Your rights and interests.
If someone infringes on Your rights, then the feedback that You are against this and demand to stop such, it is always better to give immediately because:
first, if You immediately begin to defend their rights, You simply will not be able to experience strong negative emotions for this reason. You immediately they will react, and therefore will not be able to save up and lovingly cultivate inside yourself to the monster of resentment. br>
secondly, if not immediately to defend its borders, people who encroach on them, very quickly, that is as it should be. To teach them not to violate Your boundaries will subsequently be much more difficult: people are creatures of habit - used to with You so you can behave, and try them afterwards Unlearning rather end now.
third, it is much better to respond then that just begins to boil than to accumulate and carry this negativity, which as sulfuric acid corrodes You from the inside out (less You, for example, psychosomatic ills is by far). br>
fourth, You will start to respect - as I respect only those who respects himself: not only offend those who do not give themselves in insult.
Respect yourself, otherwise no one will respect You.
That is, for any infringement to Your address, psychologically healthy response would be Your reaction immediately to protect Your rights and interests: firmly and clearly, but friendly, politely and correctly. br>
by the Way, at the moment there are a large number developed by psychologists communicative techniques to effectively defend himself from insults and nicely to stop any attempts to violate Your rights and interests, without resorting to retaliatory insults and behaving politely and correctly.
for Example, it is recommended, even if You have every right to demand that everyone is beginning to use the formula "please", and only if it does not work - go to the formula of "demand". Actually has long been developed and the principles, rules and techniques psychologically healthy ways to protect their rights and interests, allowing not to destroy the relationship, but to tell them here is not the topic of this note.
I can only Say that everything is already invented, so to "reinvent the wheel", of course you can, but not necessarily. Seek the advice of a psychologist with a request to teach effective communication techniques or attend relevant seminars, webinars, trainings or online courses will ultimately be cheaper than to invent everything from scratch yourself.