engaging in systemic family psychotherapy I quite often face this problem of their clients as a divorce. The family is a system, which consists of elements of people together in a relationship and having a common goal. Every family lives their life cycle from the moment when two decide to live together and ending when one spouse dies. The transition to each stage of family life cycle is accompanied by a state of crisis that can escalate into a crisis. For example, two people met and started a family, got married – this is called a dyad. And here may occur the first crisis situation: everyone enjoys the experience of living in their own parental family and his family model. And the new family need to create a new model and it usually takes time, about a year. If within the first year of life the couple will be able to create rules by which to live, the family has taken place. The crisis has not developed. And if not, then most likely the couple will divorce. And in order to justify to friends and relatives, will say: "We do not get along..".
Distinguish normative crises associated with the life cycle of the family, and deviant, which can occur at any stage of family life cycle. Nina Lavrov in his book "Family therapy: from simple to complex" (2009) gives a classification of the nine crises. Today I want to tell you about a crisis of emotional disorder associated with the divorce.
I was approached by a client, male, 34 years old, who was married to a woman 34 years of age for 7 years and has a daughter 5 years. The man has an older sister, who in a happy marriage. My client entered into a love marriage right after graduation, the girl from a large family. She is focused, also with higher education. Were set on a career. After two years of marriage they had wanted. My wife was not working and my husband was working two or three jobs. Tried to provide for his family. Wife always said not enough money, compared it with others. At the same time men a good educational standard, it makes a smooth career in their field. However, this activity did not bring sufficient income from the point of view of his wife, she wanted "here and now": the car, apartment, and travel, and a fur coat.
the Family has made some progress: they were able to invest funds and to buy a Studio apartment. One summer the wife suggested the husband to relax with his daughter, because he had a great vacation and to give her legal consent to the sale of a Studio apartment and buy a two-bedroom apartment. When a man in September, he returned from vacation, he felt a cooling of relations with the wife. But again plunged into the whirlpool of Affairs, work, circumstances. When he asked my wife: "How's the apartment?" he said, "the Apartment is for sale." In December, she said man that leaves him with the baby. It turned out that the apartment is purchased in the name of her mother and the man is not legally eligible for the money, not a share in the apartment. Male experienced strong negative emotions associated with betrayal, unexpected destruction of the plans, fear, anxiety, concern. He thought: "Why did this happen to me? Why now? That's not fair." Friends advised him to go to a therapist and he's appearing in my office.
Psychotherapy continued during the year. Relief condition came after the first three months of our work. And the loss of relationship is "death" relationship. This requires a period of about a year. It was very important to "work off" the negative feelings, to thank your ex-wife for the experience and "let go". Then there was the important unit of work with goal setting, work setting men, oughts, with awareness, with boundaries, with the adoption of its values, etc.
unfortunately, according to statistics, 1,000 marriages in our country is 557 divorces. Divorce crisis very hard: suffering and adults, and children and extended family members (grandparents). In a crisis situation, just need to see a specialist.