How to survive Infidelity ?

Any meeting at which there are relationships always carries the potential for the development of trust and betrayal. And betrayal is the deception that is close and important persons.

Adultery is painful no longer a surprise, namely, deception, destruction of trust. And this is linked to our sense of safety is basic and important to our lives.

this “third” in a family relationship can be a complementary item and is able to support the family in their usual pace – homeostasis so to speak, and sometimes it can last for years. But everything changes when treason becomes revealed and today we will talk about what experiences, feelings and difficulties faced by all the participants revealed infidelity.

Today I'm not going to touch on the theme of mistresses and lovers. The only thing I will say that experiences them and in the process of communication, and a breakup is a very deep and traumatic. But that's a topic for another post.

today about a husband and wife.

the Decision to forgive or not to forgive cannot be a volitional act, as if, maybe, we wouldn't want that. From the words “I forgive you” in the heart of little changes. Forgiveness — a deep inner process, the inner work that needs to be done.

first things first, what challenges on the path to forgiveness is a problem for all participants of infidelity.

1.A huge sense of guilt - it is experienced Both and who changed and who changed. Yes it is Both experiencing an unpleasant feeling of Guilt!

And it seems clear who changed the guilt is clear, but why and what? And this is the feeling that arises in response to narcissistic injury, in response to a betrayal, Accusing the other, there is manifest or unmanifest part, which accuses and blames himself and sometimes quite mercilessly. And accusations like: She is guilty've let yourself go, what a naive fool I was All for him and the kids and so on. That is, guilt is what allows you to forgive.

 2. Jealousy, suspicion, lack of trust. All this from one area – loss of a sense of security.

Detecting that the beloved us man does not belong to us we feel immense anger, which is very similar to the rage of the baby, who does not give what he has all the rights – for his mother. And that we carry our childhood experiences and traumas.&It reinforces our cold and distant relationship with mother in childhood. And as adults, we are all the time trying to prove that we have something to love and the pole that we are not to love!  Is a constant intensity, and the analysis found, as a rule both partners. It pushes for the creation of a triangle on both sides,that is totally unconscious, we are able to push to change.

 3. Passive aggression – “I forgive you, we this page turned, a Life with a clean slate, forget not remember». That is said I forgive you and all is silent, I forgot about it. Is it right? I assume the majority will say Yes. However, this is very unsafe and more likely will exacerbate problems in the relationship.

the Silence and the silencing of discussion of feelings and pain that lifted treason, entails the development of passive aggression, and again from both spouses. Passive aggression is manifested as the emergence of a sense of permanent dissatisfaction within himself, feeling the burden "For the family I have to deal with it", but it's not and it's not that; hysteria, the development of depression, panic attacks, illness; problems with children, illness, etc.. And again, completely unaware of the other, Yes the perpetrator of the betrayal, we will rise and awaken the sense of guilt "I suffer because of you, in your name to our relationship."

And the heavier and more unbearable than another to experience this feeling,the greater the desire to shake off. And it's one of the reasons, when the perpetrators of infidelity are in the end the initiators of divorce, claims: "to live is unbearable. Yes, as already so you can stop digging at me". That is, they begin to attack, and thus further increases the pain. "He did repent not, well, I can forgive him?" In General, the vicious circle turns out.

 Here  the main problems and challenges they face Both sides of infidelity!

 Now let's talk how to deal with it!

 1. Basic rule: you don't have to forgive! Take your time with these words, if you don't feel sorry.

forgive – it all doesn't mean the ending of a relationship. It is a possibility Yes, a little distance, but to draw attention to ourselves and ourselves in relationships.

I stopped noticing? What I miss in a relationship? What I want from a relationship? Can my husband/ wife to give it? If not, then I'm ready or willing to put up with it?

 2.Do not engage the children in your relationship, but we should not pretend that everything is fine. Children scanners and everything is fine feel. It is not necessary to sort things out with the children, but to be the iron lady also unsafe – you will go into passive aggression acting out. Consider where and how you can talk to?

 3.Aggression – a natural reaction to betrayal and it is important to Express it and that is to whom it applies, not to the children – “what folder they have a parasite” – as in the film Love and doves.

Talk to a friend, update your wardrobe, go to the beauty shop, to Go to the gym to hit the bag, jog, walk in the woods, out into the field and procreates, to close the home and to progrevatsya, meditation – everything is useful if it helps, if you feel that the intensity of negative emotions decreased and you are ready Yes, aggressive, but not so pressing negative feelings to talk to the husband or wife.

 4.After the conversation you should not believe in miracles, that all vanished - all of the above experiences will be and this process is similar to the period of grief, loss – we learn, further, deny, resent, grieve, accept. And forgiving is a gradual process. And quite appropriate phrase – "I haven't forgiven you, but I want us to be together. I am not yet ready/not ready to forgive you, but I want to be with you. I think together we will be able to cope". That together, do not take everything on yourself, playing a role mother,which needs a priori to forgive your child.

Forgiveness is not a quick process and it is gradual and likely to happen, when we feel change in the relationship towards our comfort.

And then comes the feeling that we are well! And that is forgiveness!

 If you feel overwhelmed with emotions, as and depression, which all in some way unavoidably delayed and after reconciliation and forgiveness, you worse – refer to a specialist.

Even if the husband does not wish to address. Individual counseling,sometimes even a single,helps to reduce the intensity of emotional experiences , to consider the situation and find a foothold that will help you make the decision – are you ready to forgive or you better end the relationship.