How to survive the loss of relationships and death of loved ones


Sometimes the sudden marriage of his girlfriend or going to another country a close friend can be more painful than the death of a relative.

For most socialized and mentally healthy people, loneliness is only a temporary resource, to which we are periodically resorted.

After this short term recovery, each of us recalls loved ones and friends. Relationships are a vital component of our physical and psychological health. Loss is a great stress and severe trauma.

unfortunately, none of us can ignore the fate of loss of a close relationship. The reasons may be different: from the decision to stop communicating to the tragic choices — death or the death of a loved one. Regardless of the reasons for the loss of the relationship we experienced the same scheme — the scheme of grieving. The so-called grief work usually goes through five stages. However, they are not necessarily in that order and often repeat or to drop out altogether.

the First stage — the stage of shock. This is the state when after the fact the loss you still are not able to think or experience an emotion. The most striking symptom of shock is numbness. That is, emotional and physical sinking. The intensity and duration of shock depends on a number of factors: the importance of relationships, suddenness of loss, circumstances, personality type. If this loss occurred because of the separation, the shock will be shorter and less intense, if the reason was the death of a loved one, it can last a few hours longer.

What to do and how to help a person in a state of shock? First of all, you need to take care of physical condition to help take a comfortable position, give a drink of water. It is also important to breathe correctly. In a state of severe stupor people are really not able to take care of themselves. The main function and the purpose of this phase is to survive. If the person is in a state of stupor, or Vice versa reacts very intensively (sometimes hysterical laughter), it is necessary to resort to sedative drugs, but if for one hour the reaction is not stabiliziruemost is to consult a doctor. The main task of the stage of shock to escape from traumatic circumstances, pushing them deeply into the subconscious.

When the shock passes, and information about the loss gradually comes to consciousness, the first reaction of the psyche to defend itself. How? Denial. Often denial comes after a shock, but sometimes it can follow an imaginary awareness and acceptance. For the phase of denial is characteristic of certain thoughts and actions.

for Example, the breakup of a long relationship. Even if it was mutual and voluntary decision, initially it will be difficult. At the stage of denial usually present words and thoughts like "This can't be right", or "You must be joking" or "It's all I dream". Here a person can behave as if nothing had happened to write, call, offer to meet. So we persuade ourselves, like children at bedtime if they are afraid of monsters under the bed. Denial of the reality of the loss allows us to defend ourselves from the flow of hard feelings and to stay sane during catastrophic events.

What can I do at this stage? If it happens to your loved one (no matter whether it is a teenage girl after a breakup with a boyfriend or family member after the death of his mother), you need to very carefully return the person to reality, from which he escapes. The key word is gently. This means that there is no need to argue or prove that the catastrophe happened. Your role in this case is to ask questions about what is happening with a loved one, and as now changed his life. You need to be very attentive and patient. And it is better to send a person to therapy. To help cope with the feelings is the work of a psychologist.

If you are faced with these feelings, then you need to find a quiet and empathetic person in the environment and talk to him about your loss. It is important to be selfish and say as long as you need. The psyche will try to protect themselves from reality but it is through contact with others, through talk about the loss, you can stay in reality and gradually return to life. The main function of denial is to gradually accept the reality of loss and to extend from the inner torpor.

When the denial passed, the brain starts to perceive the events as the occurred fact. And natural feeling in this case — anger. Yet our brain is trying to change something, so will be angry at everyone and everything. If we are talking about the loss of the relationship with the loved one, then anger is addressed to yourself, to him or close friends, who had the temerity to Express their attitude to the situation. If it concerns death, then blame yourself, the doctors, the relatives, the state itself or grieving. In any case, it is important to be able to accept anger as a fact.

an Important function of the loved ones of the man who lost an important relationship is anger safe for the person and others. How? First of all, you need offer form to stay angry, which is not affiliated with samarasosexy behavior — not beat the wall, and a punching bag, or become friendly with someone, to shout in places where no one is hurt. Safe accommodation of anger does anger ineffective, but allows you to show it fully in the social form. The anger stage can be quite long, and loved ones should be patient. The main function of the stage of anger is to respond to the loss, but still not to realize it. Is discharge at the site of injury, but still not complete acceptance.

After the stage of anger, the loss, finally coming to the level of consciousness and entering a new stage — the stage of depression. Sadness, helplessness, despair, fear — all this fully and in different concentrations mixed in the soul of the person who is experiencing the loss of a relationship. The dominant condition in this stage alone. Depressed people can't hear and can't accept the words that "all is well", "be different", "he was a bastard" or "everyone will be there". The feeling of loneliness flooded, and the person is like under the water, which does not penetrate the sounds of the voices of loved ones.

a man in a state of depression? He needs space for sadness, concern without words, and the feeling of presence. Not the words "I'm next", and the feeling. Give it, appearing next, when a person is in depression no strength for anything, being a shoulder for support and insurance in case of problems. The wrong thing to do, is to try to "shake up" and to devalue the loss. Otherwise, the stage of depression will setaloutca in the depths of your soul and will come out later, but twice as strong. The very same person who experienced the loss of relationships can allow ourselves to feel sadness and pain, the main thing is to also allow someone to be there to help you.

the Last and most important stage — the stage of adoption. It occurs only if you have successfully completed the previous stages. At this stage, the person is forgiven, let go and coming back to life. The memory of a lost relationship continue to live, but no longer brings such pain. Often some good memories and a sense of gratitude for them. Stage of adoption goes through two stages, and each of them need to give yourself or a loved one a special support. The first stage of making — residual aftershocks and reorganization. This is similar to acute, but increasingly rare "attacks" of grief. They are usually not spontaneous and are associated with the events, reminiscent of the relationship, for example, dates or a sudden meeting in the street. The loss of the relationship is gradually moving from the category of injury in the discharge experience. Life returns to normal. At this stage the most important support that presence and participation.

the Second phase of adoption is the completion of grief work. The main task at this stage — to return to life. If at the stage of depression narrowing the sphere of contacts and isolation are the norm, making it is important to gradually engage the user in the life of family, friends, staff at work. It is important not just to return to a narrow circle, but also gradually expand the circle of communication. The closest person may help the grieving to adapt, involving him in activities and communication. But it is important to be careful and not too intruding. Recovery is not a quick process.

You might think that the loss of relationship because of separation and loss of a loved one's death is a disproportionate loss. But the truth is, experienced this loss equally strong. In both cases, it is the closeness of the relationship, the importance of human rights and surprise. Sometimes the sudden marriage of his girlfriend or going to another country a close friend can be more painful than the death of a relative. Loss is an inevitable part of life, and to cope with it — not an easy task, but feasible.

/Article published in the edition "mirror of week".

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