the Article deals with some aspects of counselling and communication with survivors of emotional abuse.
When the victim, faced with abosom, refers to the who household no help, can produce the effect of “no one is hungry fed”. What I'm saying: the victim who survived abuse may be in an altered emotional state, have undermined mental health. In other words, the resource is healthy and the person feels otherwise. Listening to numerous complaints of the victim, cheerful and funny interlocutor, frequently begins to experience irritation to how the victim attaches importance to their problems as unsolvable describes them as fixate on them and can't see the world around them.
in order to understand the status of the victim, it is necessary either to know well the theoretical base for this issue, or to survive like that. To worry and remember how it was, not supplant, covering numerous defenses.
the FIRST thing you need to do in a conversation with a survivor of emotional abuse – to join and to Express understanding and acceptance of his situation and condition. You must adhere to respect for the personality of the narrator and the content of his story.
SECOND, to reflect the real situation in which he is or was, and its injustice. You need to acknowledge his pain.
No need to criticize, say, what are you whining and whining, what are you talking about it constantly, why don't you look in on themselves, to learn to rejoice more often think about the good and stuff...
let me Explain: if this man was in a relationship with “vampire” (in everyday language), he is often faced with the substitution of reality when he said giraffe – the camel, the sky – sea, that he is not a Bob and Natasha. Any crook to get something from his victim, was cheating on her. Toxic people are cheating – a well-known term gaslighting. Now fantasize yourself in the place of that sacrifice: he lived a long time in a state of stress, because I couldn't perceive and reflect reality. It is bad, as if the floor he crawled from under the feet of… Fear, confusion, the inability to understand and control what is happening. Anyone will panic. But if it happens every day… a Man accustomed to such functioning – changed. He Permanente bad. Feel bad that he “cannot for any area to catch and stop this Upasana reality”, literally: he doesn't know where the truth and the lie…
Another victim is experiencing strong guilt for what was happening to her, feeling the hopelessness of the deadlock, a strong fear of abuterol and life in General, their own inferiority.
In dysfunctional families often the truth is replaced by some immature ideas about life. Learn how relationships, how to act, how to feel. A lot of ideas that are passed from generations, but are not the reality. Coming from a family man is forced to constantly deal with failure and helplessness, because his knowledge does not work.
How a person feels, which is already daaavno not experienced success? Yes, it sucks so much that he either wants to shoot all, or lie down and not Wake up. And he needs to go to work, and a child to feed… What he can tell, except that he has a lot of problems, and they are unsolvable. Criticizing it, you amplify the state in which it resides.
the First thing needed is to join the victim and accept his situation, then reflect reality, not to criticize, advise and to save. Just to reflect how it is actually was what it was, but it was otherwise – you have been deceived. If the victim is not ready to hear the truth, to convey the essence gradually as and when ready and as soon as the growing credibility of the consultant (or friend). If there is no secondary gain to stay out of trouble, he will hear you. But, this does not mean that tomorrow he will understand and will run to change. His brain has for many years received a signal that all is useless, won't rock the boat, but then again the floor will fall out from under feet, you current energy spend, they are refilled and so on. It may be a long time fear of change and "stagnate" in disbelief and fear.
How to treat secondary benefit. As. It's a fact: being in a toxic atmosphere, you know that cheerful and happy you're all enraged, will receive punishment, remain single, etc. You can hear only if you're sick, if you have a problem, if you give yourself “vampiric” if you fight. “Secondary” often occurs in such relationships, and do not realize, especially if you never had a normal relationship. Such a person will hold on to the problem, he is afraid to let her go. Here, too, the necessary work to realize.
If you do not reflect the reality of a man, his recovery may be delayed. The effect of accession could very much be due to the fact that it is built on the SOCIAL FUNCTIONS of the brain associated with the need to focus on the environment, on authorities: if society rejects me, so I'm crazy and I'm not a resident in a given society. And here the person who complains, has been rejected by the parents, then the spouse (and this is for the whole world, these views are most significant and determine how we will build relationships with all the others). Need someone who will be rejected. But sitting with a straight face, which is not to catch no feedback, and says: “what do you want to understand if you answer this question?” And the client is not able to build a logical chain, it is in condition described above. The logic is based on facts, not fiction, and the client had long ceased to understand what is fact and what is nonsense, he did not what to take into consideration in their judgments.
Or a specialist says you live in the men's energies, because the husband and attacking you. Is hanging the responsibility for someone else “unhealthy”. Or says: you just don't know how to enjoy. Of course not know how to enjoy – this is a problem that has occurred request for help, not criticism.
When a person reduces anxiety? When he feels safe. And when he feels safe? When the world around is clear, not aggressive and no dirty surprises. Because in dealing with a victim of abuse, you need to help to make this world understandable and predictable. It is necessary to designate these points: where truth and lies, where those dangers lie, and where there is a solution, what is the resource of the victim, and what weaknesses that the consultant is good and on the side of the victim.
No need to rush to save the victim, to communicate something to her faster than she can comprehend and accept. It is not necessary to do it the next violent action – just accept and respect it a lot already – something that can give you what the victim is not received in abusive relations. This is the sore point, as abuser humiliated and ignored the needs of the individual victims.
Let them know that the signals that the brain gets affected now, it is true that he right now understands and he's not crazy. That his pain is a completely normal psychological reaction to the situation. And when very painful, is also a normal reaction of the psyche. What happened to him, it's hard, or scary, but can be scary – agree with those feelings, of which he speaks. No need to downplay his suffering and once again to say that he is something wrong.
Get the client from “the basement of his terror" as it is impossible to move (I have a picture here on this topic just picked up), and not teach him that his basement was his idea and he began to be a little “cuckoo” - don't knock it. Take your time “to hold dances during the commemoration”. Man deviates too far from what happened or took place, he was not up to dancing.
And you know, sometimes that itself is the recognition of suffering, is the effect of encouragement. I saw the victim's face brightened, and in his eyes there is a vital liveliness, as the person ceases to argue and “fight” in tears, trying to someone to convey how he really. He calms down, and continues his "whining" why is everyone so afraid, but instead goes to a new state. Reflect the reality of the sacrifice, but do it wisely. The victim needs to see where the true problem (the behavior of abuser, in the choice of your partner, the way to act), and where the decision and the resource (the ability of the victim and the ways to act again), and that the world is multifaceted, and we can choose which of it to interact/communicate with. Stay respectful attitude –– do not hurt the person a second time. It's the main thing he was denied – respect for his personality.
“I see you hurt, I understand how you feel bad, in your place, I would have been too bad. I believe you and believe in you…”