In many contexts I often have to deal with issues arising from a variety of people about the positions in a relationship. Recent explanations related to this concept is required so often that I decided to write a special text, detailing my own reasoning on this issue. Let's call the observable behaviors in the relationship conditional "friendship" and "love" items and try to describe. For friendly position is characterized by the following empirically observable signs:

  • a limited, fixed time of communication associated with some specific events together to go somewhere together to eat in cafes and so on
  • acceptance of the other as he is, without any significant expectations and aspirations in some way to restrict it to expressions
  • lack of desire in the future to build other monogamous relationships
  • the perception of others friends of his friend outside of the competitive model, the desire to cooperate.

For the love position is characterized by such signs:

  • time of communication is not standardized and is often not associated with any specific events and activities
  • expectations of your partner and the desire to limit or somehow modify some aspects of their behavior
  • the presence of desire in the future to build with your partner in a monogamous relationship and become number one the most important person in his life
  • the perception of other potential partners, your lover as a competitor in the relationship.

Note that in addition to these differences in the two described positions, there are similarities. For example, in both position and possible sexual relations between the partners (in the literal sense of the word, that is, the partners enter into intimacy). In both positions it may not be. Both positions are possible to take a long time only with a good psychological compatibility of partners. Both positions require both partners have significant contribution to the relationship, i.e. the relationship in any case remain a project that you want to develop and which you need to pay attention. Key differences exist at the empirical level, in my opinion, is the expectation changes and the presence/absence of competition.

Based on these differences, try to logically deduce the answers to frequently asked question about whether it is possible to combine these two positions in relations with one and the same person. My answer to this question is impossible, and here's why. Expectations from the partner is either there or not. Competition with possible rivals either there or it is not. You can hide out or competitive attitude to other people, but impossible on their own to change one attitude to another. If we put the question whether the transition from one position to another at the level of consciousness, the answer is: Yes! For example, if a person is forced to admit that is in competitive relations with those who claim or claimed the space near the beloved, there is a statement of the position which we called love. The reverse is also possible. However, my guess is that unconsciously we occupy in relation to each person we encountered either one position or the other, just might be wrong in the conscious assessment of what is happening. This situation relates to the process of embedding the subject of every person whom he met in his life scenario. Very roughly speaking, one may take it one of the key places (as a rule, these places are set by the structure of relations between the parents of the subject), and may not hold. In the first case the position will be love. And secondly - friendly.

Attention! The construction described here is only the design. It does not claim to be true descriptions of what is happening, this is an empirical model that is consistent with some provisions of the psychoanalysis. But when properly applied it allows to clarify many points in the relationship and to build their most beneficial to all stakeholders.

Traditionally, we all wish you, dear readers, good mental health, moderate stress and a conscious relationship to his own life! I'm always yours.

Andronov (Volkonskaya) Marina S.
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