And yet... Very few parents are willing to accept the idea that their requirements are inadequate and is violence towards their own much-beloved child. After all that is done for a child is done for his sake and for his successful future. Child receiving inadequate requirements often brought up in full, prosperous, socially strongly positive family. And the whole inadequacy of the requirements for the child is not the result of asocial behavior of parents, and their desire to give their child the best of everything. To provide him a decent future in our uncertain world.
Successful future... Achievements in sports... the Pride of their parents... well-rounded personality... He is all the time busy and no time for foolishness and pranks it is just not enough.
I've been a child psychologist. For a long time and with pleasure I communicate with our young customers. And when I hear the phrase above, always wary of them. Why? Because the child is a child. It is not pride, castigator or aspiring to the heights of perfection personality. It's just a child. With its advantages, disadvantages, pranks, nonsense and right on many, many errors.
Like a child, and not their ideal representations.
What is meant by "inadequate requirements"? As you can tell that they are inadequate and are not good for the baby?
Under inadequate requirements understand the complex conditions of life and learning, nature of interactions with adults, the need to fulfill certain curricular and extracurricular tasks that do not meet the age and individual characteristics of the child. Inadequate requirements exist in the family and at school. And when these two systems complement each other, there is a significant stress factor that provoke violations of the psychological health and well-being of the child.
however, the modern socio-cultural conditions of development of the child are such that they do not just create conditions for the presentation of inadequate requirements, but almost provoke them.
In all aspects of life the child is immersed in a system of inadequate requirements. This ratings performance in school, and the number of classes and activities at school and outside of it. This competition between the mothers about whose child is more successful, developed, who earlier gave in English/horse riding/robotics/Chinese.
At the same time, because there is nothing wrong either in English, in Chinese or in robotics. Exactly as long as they are of the additional activities that bring the child joy and pleasure, not become a means for competition between the parents. Or in a way to be sure that the baby developed and "well done."
In General terms, to be inadequate to the requirements for a child of primary school age include:
- a Huge number of classes. Your child's schedule is busy from morning to late evening. Including Saturday, Yes. The parents argue from the point of view of "what would have to "push" the schedule".
a Couple of examples.
a Girl of 6 years. Such a sweetheart, very petite, with bows, as expected. a Girl goes to kindergarten in which the three classes in the morning, two additional after sleep. At 16.45 it is taken from the garden. 17.00-19.00 preparation for school. 19.30-20.30 tutor in English.
a Boy of 7 years. First-grader. Every day in school until 15.00, then either music school or horse riding. And in the evening three days a week in English. One night robotics. And the rest of the nights the pool. And on Saturday, too. When I talked with him, I caught myself thinking that I'm home more often than this child.
- the Expectation of only success, with considerable success.
Sometimes we do something because we like the process. We are not focused on the result. Child sings in the choir, because he likes to sing. No, he doesn't want to become a soloist, to win the show "the Voice" and to glorify their family. He just loves to sing. In the system inadequate to the requirements of the concept of "just sing" does not exist. It is necessary to sing well to show outstanding results or not at all. Never. "It needs to show good result of their studies, otherwise why all that?" - here is another parent of the conviction.
All that the child needs you, he will forgive you J
- choose classes that do not meet the abilities and capabilities of the child.
for Example: mum since the childhood dreamed of becoming a ballerina. But it did not happen. Now there is a chance her daughter. And never mind that the daughter climbs trees with the boys and more to her liking wrestling. Or daughter of high large girl. And on "little Swan" does not look like, and doesn't want to be like. Girl goes to ballet school. But if it does not take, at least in the Studio.
System requirements inadequate mental balance breaks, physically exhausting and creates a huge level of stress.
it is Known also that children have very different levels of abilities and stress resistance (here I am Captain Obvious, of course ie). And the fact that one is quite feasible load for another traumatic inadequate requirements. What can target parents picking up additional stress for your child?
- the Child attends the school/garden and additional classes;
- the child has adequate sleep. Adequate is 9-10 hours of sleep a night. The student of Junior classes should sleep between 21.00 and 22.00. The hour before bedtime should be devoted to conversation, quiet games, free reading. But not the preparation of homework;
- the child has time for daily walks. Walk is an hour and a half outdoors. The path from one occupation to the other walk is not considered;
- the child has time for free activities. at least half an hour a day. Better if more. Free operation is when parents are not included in the case of a child, and he has the right to choose what he will do. Or to do nothing.
And that's about it I would like to talk more...
Often, parents concerned about a better future of his child, I believe that the more a child is engaged in, the more he was engaged in teachers, the more it "develop", the great success and welfare of the child in the future they can expect. And this "fatal error".
Such superdonate and supersuite children often come to me and to colleagues. But not at the age of elementary school, when they obediently run from one class to another, and teenagers. Then their parents lead single request: "He wants to do nothing! Absolutely nothing!". "How can we get him to want something?", - it is also "good" question. The trouble is that "want to make" impossible. The child wants something that he was interested in what he lacks, what he thinks, dreams. The child has formed the motivation for something (want something) he should be able to dream about, something to plan. In the end he has to miss!
Children are loaded beyond measure, are not able to stop, and just about something to dream, to speculate.... To decide what is interesting for them to Produce an internal "clean and restart" of knowledge, to form their attitude towards them.
All this might look superficially like just lying on the couch... Or swinging on the swings on the Playground... Or a conversation with peers. Sometimes for adults it seems that the child is occupied with nothing or just "killing time". In fact, there is a huge inside job.
And the child, loaded to excess, all the time busy with something. Something external, developmental, and restorative. He can't stop and just relax, see how he likes it... Continuous running for development and gigabytes of new information that don't even have time to be properly processed and assimilated.
naturally, in adolescence, these children do not want to have anything. They are very tired to develop and they do not understand how it is to want something and to something to aspire.
And parents who put so much effort, had so many expectations about the achievements of his child, receive an opposite result.
the Theme of free time and "doing nothing" in a child's life is quite interesting. And a wide...
About it in the following article.