Is it possible to "just" do not want? Spoiler: Yes


After the notes, "I'm beautiful", I was asked to tell a little more about toxic communication and how to be, if the person asks questions, the answers to which will ultimately use against the meeting.

the Specific situation I recommend to carry your psychologist — there is no universal buttons "on — off", but a few words about the situation in General, I will say.

If during the conversation you will feel what your counterpart to spare and hobby time elective trainings at lightning-fast sales and working with objections, the part where "your partner is an idiot and does not understand his own happiness, but in your power to convince him, choosing the right words" — most likely, communication will not develop. Because the top skill in such communication is to bomb any objections with a straight face and a condescending tone, adding a modicum of sympathy for um... mental abilities to resist.

How to protect yourself, if someone close to you parents, partner, friends? My professional experience with those who are regularly confronted with abosom, suggests that to give a minimum of information, not feeding their spirit (and their "internal sales assistant"). And learn quickly to get out of the contact, including physical. To reflect and analyze what happened better at a safe distance.

— I do Not.

Point. You have the right to want and even more — not wanting to explain why you don't want. People with good boundaries so don't want to hear will be able to take. Perhaps he wants to clarify something or to speak about their feelings (I-messages), but repeated "no" he will be able to stay without of urging the lips of manipulative or maudlin sighs, "well laadno".

• • •
— Why?
— You explain to me why?
— I'm curious.
I won't discuss it. I feel pressure and if you continue I will stop our conversation and leave.
— no pressure!
— goodbye.
• • •

Where to fall into the trap?

phrases like "I just wondered." Why them: they looks like an invitation to dialogue between two adults — I respect you, I want you to hear, it is important for me to stay with you in contact, I understand that your opinion may differ from mine and is willing to accept it.

Question with an asterisk: and how actually will develop conversation with those who initially configured to push their opinion or just to argue for argument's sake? Remember his experience, he tells.

From this simple dialogue can be right to beat the guilt and to involve the interlocutor in the psychological game, "I just want to help you" and "Yes, but..".

but the interlocutor to refrain from involvement will help the development of their own sense of boundaries and a) the ability to stay in contact with themselves and their "no"; b) skill output from the communication from the "get up and go."

If this actually happened, remember that no one is immune from situations where the requirements to substantiate your "do not want" trying to pin to the wall.

If it responds about you — it's all right, it happens. Maybe you have had the experience of borders and the depreciation of your right "not to want", so you cannot withstand the onslaught. But I believe that the need for respectful and open communication in the end will help you to develop skills that eliminate those who are not ready to hear your "No."

Thank you for paying attention to my note. I will be glad to your feedback if any of that speaks about you.

Olga Kosheleva
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