We often use this expression in regard to our children.
Let's see why we say so?
- Thanks to this formulation, we allow ourselves to do what the child wants.
for Example, authoritarian adults tend to limit autonomy and to make decisions for the child, without considering it necessary to substantiate their claims. If the child begins to show initiative or make as he wants, for an adult this means defeat, loss of prestige and control. This phrase creates a sense of last words.
2. The expression allows us to accept ourselves as good parents.
for Example, a parent often swears at the child, then blames herself, but the phrase it feels good, nice and close.
3. Manipulation.
for Example, the child ate well, then played, ran to an adult and asks: "is it candy?". And the parent answers: "put away the toys, then I would." Here one could say: "well, go get it." But no, adult uses a method of manipulation.
What child gives adult using the current offer.
"Only when you behave well, you get what you want".
That is, we do not allow the child to experience and manifest negative emotions and feelings.
Why adult may experience feelings of anger and irritation, and the baby is not?
Believe me, kid, don't behave bad on purpose. He behaves well when he can. Him as an adult like to be happy. If the child is naughty or angry, then there's a reason. Your job as a parent to understand what is behind this behavior?!
If this expression is almost always present in the adult lexicon, there are two possible reactions Chad:
- a Toddler will behave in a short period of time well to get what you want. But those negative emotions that the child is not going anywhere, so they will show up in greater force later. And then, most often a parent says, "well, told going to be good, gave you candy and you..." i.e. gives rise to the development of a sense of guilt.
- Kid one day will not be able to control their emotions, even if you want to do it, and begin to develop the attitude of "I'm bad" and "terrible."
in the first case we will be able to control the child's behavior due to the imposed guilt, the second variant will develop resentment and anger that will manifest itself uncontrollably on others, and parents.
It turns out that this phrase has no meaning for the child, in the form of educational effect. It only develops further hostility and remorse.
Why parents forbid to show negative emotions?
Because they are so convenient and safe. The impression that everything is under control. If an adult suddenly can not calm, I always come to the aid of the phrase, "if you keep this up...I will not watch cartoons or get a toy."
Instead of understanding the cause of moods, we begin to either manipulate or crush the authority, or to question his competence as a parent.
Understanding and recognizing causal relationships of the wording, you can change your attitude and grow up emotionally balanced and psychologically healthy child.
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