It runs in the family?


the Girl marries not for love, that can't be with your loved one. In contrast to chosen a partner who loves her and is ready to fulfill all wishes, the girl has no sexual or psychological attachment, it can irritate the behavior of the satellite, the latter loyally takes a similar attitude to yourself, and agree to tolerate it. Benefits for women in this case behind, confidence in the future, stay away from bad past relationships, in which it "wiped" his feet. This life together can be called "loneliness together". What is the prognosis, the couple from the point of view of psychology?

If you look at the situation described above, we can see that the girl has a libido focused on the "bad" men, i.e. in the relations in which it will hurt. Probably she even have feelings for the previous partner who appreciated it.

If you do not work hard and not to change anything in the views, of all possible options – is the best it can be in a girl's life. If you try to work through psychological trauma (in most cases they received in early childhood), which had such attraction, it is likely that the girl can Wake up libido to a new partner, she can fall in love and appreciate everything that is done for her.

during the course of therapy a man can learn to experience the joy, gratitude and even love to their partner. The General perception of the situation changes dramatically, there is an understanding that many unmet childhood needs can be met with a concomitant care, kindness and generosity. Without therapeutic intervention, the girl will continue to suffer, experiencing a deep relationship in which she not made the choice (willingly she would stay with another man, but being in a forced situation, she had to accept imposed conditions). In fact, it's a no-choice, respectively, one-sided responsibility (from the partner who made the offer). To get moral satisfaction in this case is almost impossible.

For this situation is the lack of understanding of the value of the partner's actions, consciousness completely overrides the sense of responsibility for the events.

What is the possible forecast of development of relations? Every day the girl will be more and more dissatisfied, unhappy and irritable, partner, on the contrary, to suffer, to be upset and disappointed, but to try harder to please.

Why men choose that type of woman – rejecting, cold, emotionally closed off? The choice of type of a female figure to build further relations directly linked with the maternal figure and features attachment, organized between a man and next of kin. It is based on men's unmet need – for example, in recognizing certain merits (Look, I'm worthy of your love. Don't you see?).

as examples, consider the following three situations:

    1. Life story. The woman loved the man, but they broke up. She eventually married someone else without love and much older than her, had a child and divorced. The years passed, the woman again met his first love, the couple made the decision about living together. After a few years the other spouse drunk, the family broke up. As a result, the child has not received the necessary flow of love from the family (he was routed by, the man outside the family system), as a consequence of bipolar and borderline personality disorder. Quite often for such "sins" of the parents pay children or grandchildren. In the course of systemic family psychotherapy can clearly see a negative impact on children lack of parents ' love.
    2. The story of Scarlett O'hara (gone with the wind). All my life the main character loved, idolized and idealized Ashley, unattainable object. This love was the Bane of her marital relations with Rhett Butler. Scarlett realizes his mistake only at the moment when a wife Ashley (Melanie). It turns out that all her life she was passionate about the ideal of a strong and unbending man in the image of Ashley Wilkes. Seeing a heartbroken man, completely destroyed and weak, tired and insecure, Scarlett deeply disappointed in your ideal. As long as the object of fascination was idealized, Scarlett put him in some kind of fantasy, libido, arousal, and attraction. Having the opportunity to stay close to his ideal, the main character completely rethink attitudes, and family relationships. It was at this point she was able to appreciate all the qualities of her spouse, who had previously been perceived as the object of hatred and forced choice because of the failed relationship with Ashley.
    3. The stories of practicing psychiatrists. The girl was for many years included the Platonic phase of development of the libido. Living in a marriage that she always dreamed about the other man. However, after meeting with him, are unable to build relationships, as libido to object libido dropped, the idealized image disintegrated. A decision was made by a woman? She found a new object for idealization and implementation of Platonic libido phase. Need erotic and sexual nature of the woman continued to meet with her husband. In such a situation can be judged on the peculiar splitting of the psyche and its lack of maturity, respectively. your partner holistically (in mind there are some contradictions, gradually increasing conflict). There is a possibility that over time she will experience the loss of previous relationships and will be able to adapt to existing, to appreciate a man near. However, the probability of this forecast is very low (you can draw an analogy with a question to the doctor – "will Resolve if the tumor?").

What are the different methods of the way out of the situation for men?

    1. Become a bad boy to show negative side of his character, to put clear boundaries in the relationship (to reject the girl, to deny certain desires, etc.). Perhaps at some time the girl wakes up libido. However, the option is moot.
    2. To stop trying and come to terms with the situation, not to torture yourself. Perhaps life on the principle of "loneliness together" is the most viable option in this case.
    3. To take therapy and help the therapist to understand what motivates you to stay in such a relationship (to analyze the internal patterns and motifs, to find out the true causes of inner aspirations of the soul).
    4. With a partner visit a therapist (family therapy).

What woman?

As a variant – to take a course of psychotherapy alone. However, in this case, the final decision should be taken by a woman, there should be pressure from the partner. In addition, it is important that this choice was conscious and deliberate. If in this situation the person to put before the fact, it will be re-living the principle of "no-choice" (given the compulsion of the situation in this area, the partner can attend the sessions "evil" – "See, I go to therapy, and nothing has changed! You just can't change!"). In the therapy sessions, the woman will be able to understand why all this happened and remained attracted to the other partner, which is a subconscious choice of that person.

In the case of self-study the problem – definitely need to look at man next, find the positive side in his nature, less sensitive to possible shortcomings. For a better perception and a more complete assessment can make a list of 30 items, carefully analyzing the positive side of human nature and appreciating his actions. The advantage of this approach? In some cases, it allows to reconsider the relationship or, conversely, to accept the situation and find positive aspects.

you can Watch my video on the topic of psychology and psychotherapy here

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