Mechanism of love trap
the Love trap is a situation where in the relationship there is fear to leave because of the potential loss. Halpner Diane, autorka books "the Psychology of critical thinking," explains the situation in the specific example of the auction: the winner of the auction, the highest bidder takes the lot, but the losers in this case are paying the same price. Socio-psychological experiments in situations of this scheme showed that most people are trying to reduce their losses, continuing the bidding.️⠀
In a relationship the person is in a similar situation. He thinks: "the same age together, so much together, so much effort invested, I can't quit, what do I get?" Man is more important than getting any benefit than a high feeling of love. However, from a rational point of view, this strategy was wrong — because every time the risk of “complete destruction" of only increases.️⠀
a Similar scheme is found in less dangerous situations. For example, when you dial on the phone to the help Desk and are asked to wait. And, after listening to several minutes of annoying music, also face a choice to wait, as has already waited a lot, or hang up.️⠀
I'm in a similar situation, but with larger stakes, was at least twice. And once I managed to make it right almost immediately. When after two years the doctor was faced with the choice to continue education or to transfer to the faculty of medical psychology. Years later, I do not regret that you have decided to resign mediaculture and lost time, resulting in a profession that I truly love. But there was so much that I decided to wait. I lost more than I could have, though, sought to reverse. Don't rely on the proverbial calculations, is offensive to sincere feelings.️ But believing, you will see that the expectation leads to losses. And you fell into a similar trap? Tell us how was it out in the comments.
Signs of love trap
Before you figure out how to get out of the trap of love, will understand the characteristics.⠀
Here are the ones I consider necessary to highlight:
1. You feel a growing dissatisfaction with a partner or in a relationship, but when it begins to take shape the idea to leave, suddenly changing point of view and find many advantages in themselves and the partner.⠀
2. Emotions approximately the following sequence: anger or sadness gives way to fear of loss, which comes hope, and then repeated but with each repetition growing apathy and indifference.⠀
2. And I can firmly answer Yes to the question whether partner, but often think, and whether or not he loves you.⠀
3. Thinking to give something to the partner or to get from him, I think the important question: what is the amount you must repay, does it repay you? Angry or sad if you do not notice the tie.⠀
4. Live in the past relationships and hope for their future, however, this is clearly experiencing discomfort.⠀
5. Can't break up, but to be with a person you find it difficult.
I tried to formulate the main, but perhaps you would put something from your experience? Write in the comments.
get out of the trap
1. To make the problem
so, if you're going through something similar. Then you must realize that you are in a trap. To realize that you need to stop looking for a problem in circumstances or in another person. And pay attention to their own thinking. The trap only exists here.⠀
2. Find determination
Realizing there is a problem. The person often begins to think how best to break up? However, this issue is not as significant as the decision itself. What decision makes a man strong. Look at yourself: did you receive it? Or your thoughts only form of indulgences, that is, the way to evade responsibility for its adoption.
3. Eliminate internal obstacles
If you understood that Dodge. Then there are internal obstacles - these are your emotional needs. Go over a few.
it is believed that men to leave easier. They can, due to high testosterone, to stifle empathy. They are motivated and feel self-sufficient, so crossed through the relationship stronger. But studies show that cases of depression after breakup among men more. I wonder why do you think? This is probably due to the fact that men more often experienced emotions inside, very discreet. So many feelings are not developed. And man can torment the question, why it happened, why I failed? After all, a man with everything can do it!
But if both partners are "seals" or at least one authoritarian, and the second soft, then get out of the trap more difficult:
in the first case, both too sensitive to the feelings of each other;
second, a strong partner can not afford to give up and let go starting to turn the nut.
Define your problem and start to work on her own. This is important because you eventually will not have my head in the other person and get back to him. Better understand themselves, establish contact with us, you will be able to escape the trap, but may not be irreversibly turned, and changed, and thus change the other.
4. Don't be afraid to be bad
Not only sympathy or possessiveness makes indecisive. Also includes social mechanisms. Partners acquire shared connections. And a breakup becomes public precedent. And, of course, the one who leaves "bad", that is, risks losing past due. Including with a partner. Which though not love, but still care like a man.
the Person who knows that love, but there is a trap, faces a choice. Risks make the choice demanding and dangerous. Who wants to be a "scapegoat?". High responsibility causes anxiety and a desire not solve anything, again giving the situation to chance. Or pushing a partner for its decision secret. From the last betrayal, manipulation, intrigue, poison in the glass. So you'll have to take losses now. In the future, you can lose yourself completely, dissolving in a partner, and public opinion.
If it is difficult to be "bad" is to think about your dependence on the evaluation. Possible loss, on the contrary, will help you become stronger and you will be able to regain their independence. This position is a "scapegoat" is temporary. And only external. Don't identify so as not to move the gaze on themselves and in their future.
5. Contact the person
If you hooked this topic and you find many similarities with your situation, but have not found the answer in the article. Or you understand, but still something prevents, be sure to consult a specialist. He will help you. However, note that in most cases, a person should not stand on the side of one of the partners, as it would be to say that he himself is not aware of these mechanisms problems. The specialist must help you recognize the problem, and your internal reasons why you ended up in a love trap or why are you so hard to get out of it. And certainly he would not insist in the necessity of parting. You need to take responsibility for this situation and decide how it will change.