Mum's fault. Who needs it?


Antonio Machado

Last night, when I slept,
I dreamed wonderful dreams!-
here in my heart, the hive.
And the Golden bees make white combs
and sweet honey from my old mistakes.

I Hear from everywhere - all the problems of childhood, relationships with parents form us, you do so, because the mother you love. Well, and so on. And on the one hand Yes, we are all from childhood, and inside we have grown the children's experience, and he does. Including our parenting.  

But what to do now? The adult to decide how he wants to do, to see what happens with him, where it can reach, whose influence, and then choose to change or keep it. People injuries I have not met - it is important to understand how best to deal with it as it can help you to be yourself. As you know, this ritual is scarring. Or tattoo. In some tribes this is the pattern that you choose. Our body and our soul is unique. And these wounds from the past, including our code is this that tells our personal history and the history of the family. 

the next question is how to be the mom who knows how much the child is affected by it, know from your childhood, from books and movies and stories of others. Approach to the child with shaking hands?  to be Afraid of every mistake? Trying to be perfect, just to do so, as in her childhood, turn the control to full power? No, of course not, because that is what will make alarming and zaderganie. The main thing to remember - mistakes are made, all parents, all mothers without exception. And in the last century Donald Winnicott introduced the concept of “good enough mother". This means that the mother is doing everything he can for his child, what the perfect mom does not exist. Read his books. 

Every parent wants the best for their child, well in his view. Even if it hurts, he or she is doing it  from your reality. After all, we all come with different "competition conditions" physically, mentally, socially. And grow on that soil that we have been given. From his childhood. Then what we could do with this - it is our task, but again, we must understand the limitations of any human desire.  Sartre wrote this thought: “it's not what made me, and what I he did that made me”. And here it is important to understand what you exactly did and what you want to change. All change is not necessary, otherwise it would be as victims of endless samolechenie, when the man's face disappears behind a mask. 

I write in support of mothers and children when they meet with mistakes mom. And then there is the wine. There's also, of course, nearby still fear, fear of mistakes, and anger when you "cornered" expectations that you will do everything correctly. So that's the main “beater” it is the mother herself. And she often looks at herself through the eyes of others, of society. Now a lot is done to change, to soften public attitudes to the topic of parenthood, but it must be done to the parent within itself, it is a mutual process - shared and personal. 

How can you learn to be a mom? Except in the process of motherhood, in advance to that you are ready, the children are different, relationships are different. Even if few children, then the next child is different. The child grows and only Mama managed to establish themselves with their own self-image as a mother, I developed a General rule, contact with the child established, and then - BAM! and he rose again the crisis, now the next stage. And it turns out that such a road of crises, including. Well, how else without calling and testing to develop and learn what you can do exploits. 

Experience of his childhood, which is motherhood, and the example of their parents, sometimes painful, and seems to do the opposite, but he's already inside, and we need to empower ourselves in some way to be similar to its parent. But something is definitely not. Otherwise, then you can fall into the trap: what ran and ran because I didn't see what was dragging. It is important is to establish their internal relations with their parents when become a mom or dad. Honest is the most important thing, not justifying and accusing do not. See more of adult real position - but first, of course with his child.

Returning to the fault. Think about why you need the sense of you or your child, or you as a child in the past in relation to his mother. Is that it gives you? I think that any gives reason to attack. For example, mom says, Yes this is all my fault and now what? Hear this attack? Or, Yes I'm to blame, now there was nothing to fix, what I terrible mother. This powerlessness, this hopelessness is isolation from each other in their shelter. In which bad and painful. And it is not clear what to do now. I think that might be useful to put it aside - guilt. And try to look at it from the point of view of the act. I did (a) something that brought pain, wound, limitation has led to the fact that not like I, or my child. What can I do? To recognize! To tell yourself, first and foremost, and then the child, if he needs it and he is ready and willing to hear it. You can ask forgiveness, to explain, not excuse, but simply to tell what happened, what you wanted, your motives and most importantly to recognize the harm that you caused. Wanted it or not. What wanted, all of us are angry, unable to say or do something evil to hurt. And here it is important to talk it through. And maybe  made in the other case, something, not wanting to cause harm, and being in a captured state, for example, resentment at the other person, and then turned up the child, he flew. And sometimes wanted,  how better child, and they built a whole concept, and then found out that it is wrong, wrong was the idea that had to be done differently. Well, it happens the same, right? And everyone was so, I'm sure. Because it is so important to hear and believe your child, and better to start with your inner child and your childhood wounds, and tell your parents directly if in contact with the real parents or your imagination, but you need to say what you felt and thought you were wounded. First, to Express anger, resentment, all that accumulated. And then there will be the opportunity to speak out to your child, to hear and to admit what was completely. And then have to ask what can be compensated for to wish now could help to restore the relationship, as far as possible in the form in which you would want together. 

After all, the child to blame the mother is not very necessary, he needs the love of a mother and her willingness to be by his side and care as she can. And if sometimes this does not happen, then what is important that it is recognized. So this will allow mom and child to move its development forward and not be stuck in an endless back and forth to each other toys such “wine-resentment”. You me  I thee. It is better to pass on something pleasant, albeit mad, and wine is its sweetness. The question is, is there something else in relationships and how not overfed relationship fault. You know that the wines are so spreading across the family, that is nothing but attempts to fix it, to look after themselves, to protect themselves, to RUB themselves with anger, then again to repent and there is no room for anything else. For spontaneity and love.

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